Self Discovery..

Whenever we embark on a journey it is almost like we are getting into a small plane and setting out into the air for unknown lands. With wholeheartedness comes inspiration, but sooner of later we will come across a sense of loss, a sense of fear. Like every story of explorers, we seem to be drawn into finding what is waiting for us out in the big old world without knowing if we actually have the courage to face it.

I have spent the last six days in Claremont- a very small town on the outskirts of Toronto. The house is completely isolated, surrounded by fields, forest, and beautiful scenery. I spent most of my days with my guitar or journal in hand just sitting, thinking, or taking a stroll through the forest. Most people would think that this would be so utterly boring, my cousin kept apologizing assuming that I was bored out of my mind, but I was the complete opposite. I was in a state of bliss. I was fascinated by the peacefulness and the ability to finally hear my own thoughts that have been rummaging around in my head. I was able to process a lot of things that have occurred in the last year or so in those past six days, not just in Haiti, but in my personal life as well. I kept looking for answers, blaming others for not understanding, and clinging onto things that I should have let go of long ago. I found myself in a place with no sounds except the trees blowing, the snow crunching beneath my boots, and the water from the stream moving onwards.

It is inevitable that at some point we all experience fear. Fear is a universal experience. Even the smallest bug feels it as we are about to squish them beneath our shoes. Fear is something that we all share. We react against the feeling of loss, loneliness, death, or losing grip and no longer having anything to hold onto. During my time in the small town of Claremont I came to an earth-shaking revelation about life, about happiness, and about myself. When we begin a new adventure in our lives we have all sorts of different ideals and expectations. We are constantly looking for answers that will satisfy a long ongoing huger that we have felt for quite some time. People always try to warn us- not to have expectations- not to indulge in certain adventures- yet somehow all of these warnings don't quite convince us. In fact, at least for me, they draw us closer. However, no one warns us to stop running away from fear. We are very rarely told to move closer, to do the unthinkable or the unimaginable, and to become familiar with our fears. This is something I have chosen to do a few times in my own life without even realizing it or understanding it until now. I am terrified of heights, I get the shakes, my muscles tighten, and all I want to do is get down and can't wait for the ride to be over.. but I always convince myself to keep going. I have rode on the biggest roller coaster, I have hiked numerous mountains, I have climbed to the top of buildings to enjoy the view. I get a thrill from fear and especially from accomplishing them. I now look at my life in that way- that I need to put that fearlessness into every aspect of my life- not just the thrilling ones such as roller coasters- but also into relationships, desires or aspirations that I have, and into the things that make me feel the most uncomfortable, the things I have wanted to do or say but have always held back from due to the *fear* of embarrassment or of exposing myself, and most of all due to the fear of rejection. The only advice we are given is to usually smooth it over, take a pill, take a drink, or distract ourselves from the feeling, and by all means.. make it disappear. It is our nature to disassociate with fear. Usually we think that our hero's and the one's that we look up to have no fear, that's why we admire them. The truth is that they have just as much fear as we do but they understand their fear. One thing we need to realize is that even when fear creeps into your mind the trick is to keep pushing on and not to bail out, even when you find out that it may not be what you thought it was going to be. Nothing is what we think it is. I can say that with great confidence.

After moving to Haiti and finally doing something for me, something I was passionate about, everything that I had not been able to see about myself before was finally dramatized. Haiti itself is a wonderful place for self discovery, you learn that you can take more than you thought you ever could, you learn to have sincere compassion, you may also realize that you get frustrated easily and often overreact (maybe that's just me). However, Haiti is also an amazing place that will test your fears. I am not speaking about just the fears we have of the dangers that we may encounter, but also fear about not knowing the language, the fear of not knowing the country or the culture, the fear of becoming ill, the fear of losing it all, the fear of death. I was terrified when I first arrived in Haiti. I never really thought of this until right now. Recently a friend called me a "risk taker". At first I tried to deny it, but then found somewhat of a truth in it. I always just told myself that I am not brave or a risk taker.. I am just following my heart. But I started to think as to why I am so willing to take these risks for those things and people that I hold dear in my heart. I have come to the conclusion that I am not yet the risk taker that I want to be, I am still scared of many things, I still fear many things. I am terrified of love and of loss and letting go of things that once meant so much. But I look at my life and how I was living it for everyone else before, I was merely going through the day to day motions without actually feeling alive. When I decided to change that, to follow a deep passion of MINE, it made me come alive. And I was totally aware of the risks that I would be taking, and I was so ready for all of them. I would so much rather risk, to be crazy, to experience the rawness of life, then to sit back and be constantly wondering "what if" or having regrets. After being unhappy for a greater part of my life, I now know that I am the only one that holds the card for happiness in my hands. I realized that I could not get lost in trying to justify myself and blame others and hiding from the inevitable truths. That kind of exit is no longer available for me.

We all run, we run like crazy. We use anything and everything to escape- all of our addictions stem from this very moment, the moment where we decide we can no longer take it. We feel we have to mask the pain with something- whether it be religion, medication, alcohol, or other people- anything that will take away our pain or fears. I believe that the materialism in our world stems from these very feelings. There are so many ways to keep ourselves occupied or entertained, there is so much noise out their to fill our heads and take away our thoughts that we no longer have to feel the full impact of the pain that arises when we are completely unable to manipulate the issue to make us come out looking good. For rebirth, we must first experience death. That means we should be accepting our fears or pain and simply let it go and allow for new things to begin. Reaching our breaking point is like finding a doorway to sanity and to the goodness of humanity rather than encountering some sort of punishment or road block.

I have also learned that there is always so much more to learn. We might think that it's going to take bigger issues or circumstances for us to reach our limits. The interesting thing is that it is our biggest issues are the ones that awaken us and allow us to come to new understandings and it tends to be the little things that catch us off guard. However, no matter the size, shape, or colour, we need to realize that it is better for us to lean more towards our discomforts and seem them and understand them clearly rather than running from them or trying to protect ourselves. I now know that the awakeness that I once only could feel in Haiti, can also be felt anywhere, in a small forest sitting on a log watching the water pass, or in the midst of chaos. It is something that is found in our simple pleasures, in our pain, our confusion, our wisdom, and it is available at any moment and any minute of our crazy lives. We create our own demons and we allow them to develop out of shame, jealousy, abandonment, rage, and feelings of loss. They are all the things that make us feel uncomfortable that we continuously run away from. We escape without facing what's happening in our hearts or our minds. Or we shove the feelings away in a drawer and throw away the key and somehow kill the pain. We could chose to spend our entire lives trying to escape the demons in our minds but eventually we get so caught up in running that we forget to take advantage of the beauty around us. We become so used to rushing past things that we rob ourselves of our own joy.

For 2013 my goal is to no longer try to escape fear or make pain go away or to even try to be a better person, but to just take everything as it comes and face it. My goal is to take every moment as it is, to take a deep breath in and watch the anger, frustrations, confusion, and the past be gone and to enjoy the simple and beautiful things around me. I am no longer holding onto concepts or ideals. My goal is to be so open minded that nothing can surprise me or disappoint me. My goal is to let go of all the things that have been weighing me down and to be my truest self with no hesitations, no second guessing, and no fears. Just love. For everyone, but also for myself.

Haiti Withdrawals...

Two years ago, Haiti was just a place on a map to me. I knew what everyone else knew – about the earthquake, about the number of people killed and displaced, about what a tough time the Haitians have been through and were continuing to go through.

But now, having been to Haiti numerous times and officially giving up my past life and moving to the small Caribbean island, it means something completely different to me. Haiti is my home away from home, full of people that I love and admire. Haiti is where I work and dream and hope. Since my first expedition to Haiti, I received many comments and strange looks whenever I mentioned my intention to one day return to the country. If only they knew how totally serious I really was. I came away from Haiti blessed with an indescribable spiritual connection to it's presence that has since left me unsettled in my everyday life here in Canada. On a very subliminal level, I felt as though I left a part of me on the island. But I don't mean that as in a sense of loss - quite the opposite in fact. I've gained something intangible, something you cant buy with a stack of bills or a pocket full of change. I've gained or rather been granted an honourable opportunity to return to this country and to start a new chapter in my life. If I'm honest, I've never really felt a 'connection' to my home country (the place where I was born) and after experiencing something so powerful as Ghana and Haiti, I already know that I'll never be able to settle in life until I 'settle' where I'm connected - and that will be home.

Yes- I am currently at "home" in Canada. And yes.. it is absolutely freezing. I love seeing the snow but I don't love the constant shivers and not being able to feel my fingers and toes. This trip home has been a lot easier than the last, I am not as angry and annoyed by people complaining about foolish things or how much we take for granted here. Although, something is still missing. I am enjoying all of the time I get to spend with my family and friends, I enjoy singing and jamming out with my friends, and I enjoy rolling around in the snow.. but there is still a void. In Canada I don't feel like my whole self, a part of me is missing. I find myself thinking too much- something I wasn't really able to do in Haiti. I also find myself very bored. It feels like I have all the time in the world here as where in Haiti I was constantly on the go. I feel useless- and it's the worst feeling in the world. I am itching to get back to Haiti and to see my babies, however, I no longer have a say in when I can return. I have been asked to say to see a tropical and infectious disease specialist in London. I am not too concerned- I am more concerned about getting back to Haiti. The worst part is the uncertainty and not knowing when I can hold my babies again. I am going through horrendous baby withdrawals.

After being here for 2 1/2 weeks the culture shock is starting to wear off a little bit. I still crumple paper money up in a wad like the Haitians do, kiss people on the cheek when I greet them, and I am still getting used to seeing so many white people- for some reason it makes me feel uncomfortable. Its strange that I can just hop in my car and drive wherever I need to go- from one end of my city to the other- within 15 mins. And that I can do laundry whenever I want. Something that really shocked me was remembering that I can actually drink tap water here !!! Usually people go through culture shock when they leave the comfort and familiarity of their surroundings to go to another environment. One would think that the worst culture shock for me would be when arriving in Haiti, but it's the complete opposite.. if that makes any sense. The culture shock gets me is as soon as I finish the first leg of my trip back to Canada and land in Florida. All of a sudden I am thrown back into the culture that I was born into and a culture that is part of the fabric of who I am. You would think this culture would bring the comfort of normalcy since it is what I am accustom to. However, it brings me great uneasiness and as I sit in the airport my patience runs thin and my homesickness for Haiti begins.

My life in Haiti is far from normal. Life there represents the abnormal. Problems that we face, challenges that we have, and the solutions are all fundamentally different than I would have ever thought possible. But I love it. I love the challenges, the struggles, the frustrations but most of all.. I love the adventure !!! I love how you never know what is going to be thrown at you each day. I love waking up to 8 little people that I love and who love me unconditionally. I miss riding down the drive way on skateboards, bandaging scraped knees and cut open toes every hour, I miss hide n go seek and playing "What Time is it Mr. Wolf?", I miss my Haitian friends and family. I miss the mountains, the cool breeze during a really hot day, I miss legumes and bouillon, I miss moto's and goats and even the chickens that are confused at what time it is and insist on making noise all through the night, to break it down for you... I MISS HAITI.

New Beginnings....

Hmmm.. Where do I begin?

This year has been full of dramatic highs and terrifying lows. It has tested me to my core. I decided to do something more with my life in February, when I started my Non-Profit organization "Hime For Help" with the assistance of my friend Eric Patenaude. I was tired of the day to day things at home and I was sick of just sitting in a classroom listening to one person tell me what I need to do to be "successful" in life. I was tired of people being so ignorant to the fact that they actually are fortunate and that just because their car broke down or they missed a payment on their credit card or they got into a fight with their husband- that they have a pretty good fricken life and that they will survive. I was sick of the same routines and standards of American society. And most of all, I was tired of belittling myself to meet everyone else's expectations and opinions. I was tired of controlling my passion and keeping it under the surface. I just wanted to help people. I just missed Ghana and most of all...Haiti. I decided to write a facebook status about the anger I was feeling one evening and the end result was this: "So you’re a business man?.. you make a lot of money?. That’s great. Does that impress me? NO. It actually does the opposite. See.. I have a different outlook on things. For me, success comes from changing a life, not about the amount of numbers you have on a pay check. Success for me is reaching out a hand to those who need it most; reaching out a hand to the minorities or those who are less fortunate than you. Success to me is when you can look past the colour of someone’s skin, or the age of a person, or where the person is from and even look past where that person may be going. To me .. success is about giving everything you have to improve the lives of others, instead of trying to improve your own." Eric, someone I had just met happened to read this status and felt compelled to not just merely scroll down the page like most did. He didn't know anything about me.. but what he did know was that I was itching to get back to the small Caribbean Island that I had lost my heart too. That's when he developed the Hime For Help website and decided to print out an application for a Non-Profit organization. The events that unfolded after, were completely unexpected and unimaginable.

I can honestly say my life began on April 24, 2012. This is the day that I stepped off the plane into the scorching hot sun, into the very complex country that I would now be calling home. I didn't know what to expect. I really didn't have any plans. All that I knew was that my heart was leading the way. For the longest time I had been battling with my head and my heart (and I still do to this day) but it was time that I let my heart win and even though it seemed impossible - It was time to do what I had always been wanting to do. Help people.

The truth is.. I was naive coming to Haiti. I had no clue about the troubles I would encounter, about how difficult this country can be, and I didn't really think of all of the responsibilities I would be taking on. At times, I think to myself "this is too much" but then I know that if I choose any other path in my life I will be saying "this isn't enough". My life has changed drastically. My outlooks have changed, my personality has changed and my skin has become a lot thicker but at the same time.. my heart is more fragile. Haiti changes you in weird ways. It makes you tough but yet breaks down your walls and releases emotions you thought you never had. You learn to adapt to the un-adaptable- the things that are far from what most reading this would consider "normal".

Throughout this past year I have experienced more then what I thought I would ever experience in my entire life. I have held hands of starving and dying children, I have stared into their eyes as they took their last breath. I watched people shoot at each other as if we were in the midst of a world war. I have watched people be treated as animals- especially women. I have heard the cries of rape victims that not only lost their dignity & virginity but also their health as HIV rushed through their veins. I witnessed the cruelty of mother nature as I stood at the top of the mountain in a small house made of mud and sticks in the midst of a hurricane and watch it tumble to the ground as I huddled with the family I have fallen so deeply in love with to keep warm. I have witnessed corruption first hand. I have experienced love, loss, sorrow, anger, and grief beyond measures. My heart has been thrown to the ground, stomped on, and then put back together with my babies smiles, laughter, and from the support and comfort of friends. Some days I just can't speak or tell of the things I witnessed that day because it just hurts too much and its frustrating trying to illustrate a picture for people to understand ... the only thing I can do is just laugh and laugh until I forget why I was crying before. This is when my best friends come in handy.

Despite all that being said.. my heart beats louder than it ever has before. I am truly blessed and I can say that with confidence. Despite the heart wrenching days, I get to come home to my kids. They make me laugh harder then I have ever laughed before. I get to hold them and hug them and kiss them and love them. And that's enough for me. That makes everything worthwhile.

I want my kids to know that I never expected to be a single mother at the age of 19 (now 20). That I never imagined having eight children running around and clingy off me every minute of every day. I never imagined that my days would be filled with changing diapers, cleaning up vomit, bandaging wounds, punishing children by making them sit in the corner, and running around kicking soccer balls and riding down my driveway on skateboards. But I would not change it for the world. If they read this one day, I want them to know that they are the bravest, strongest, and most resilient people that I have ever met. They are so talented and intelligent and I am impressed by them more and more with each day that passes. That even though I embarrass them, tease them, and annoy them, that it is all out of love. I want them to know that I am going to make mistakes...a lot of them.. but I promise to always stick by their sides, to defend them, to protect them, and to love them even when they think they are undeserving of being loved. I promise to encourage them, to motivate them, and to be there cheering them on every step of the way. And I promise to spend the rest of my time on this earth reminding them how truly magnificent they are and to never settle for less then what they deserve.

I came to Haiti not speaking the language, not knowing the culture, and not knowing much about the children's lives that I would be entering into. My kids have taught me everything I know. They forced me to learn Kreyol by not letting me use "language barrier" as an excuse to not understand them. They had patience with me and taught me with repetitiveness, hand signals, and just screaming at the top of their lungs until I finally understood them. They taught me about their culture, their food, how to wash my clothes by hand, and how to interact with people on the streets. They opened their hearts and allowed me into their lives. They trust me and I trust them. They put up with my horrible sense of humor and my desire to trick them or embarrass them, and they have finally learned to start doing it back to me (Don has become quite good at that). And I do believe they love me just as much as I love them. They are the reason I am still able to wake up with a smile each morning and carry on during my most difficult days. They are the true reason why I can say that 2012 has been my best year yet.

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand."- Henri Nouwen

This past year I have met, befriended, and have been reunited with people that have touched my life in such great ways and who fit the above description perfectly. 2012 allowed me to leave my country, my comforts, and explore a new culture, new lifestyle.. and well.. new people and friends. There are many people that I have crossed paths with within this past year that have inspired me, encouraged me, motivated me and they have allowed me to take a break from the chaos and hear myself laugh. I have always been independent and have never relied on others for my happiness, however, this last year I have become a lot less independent and have looked to friends to pick me back up when I have fallen down. They understand me better than most as they too are submerged into the complexities that Haiti has to offer. They understand why I am here. They understand my desire and willingness to leave my past luxuries behind. And they understand how I can curse and express my hatred for Haiti, but still love it with all my heart. They are the ones that remind me who I am when I feel more lost than ever. Maeve Mcgoldrick, Sarah Griffith, Tina Florial, Val P, Christian Laplanche, Justin Parkinson, Bill Waterman, Brunache Jocenel, Rigan Louis, Wilmen Jean Pierre, Lesly Pinard, Matt & Sarah Rideout, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart !!!! And to my friends back home who still write to me, who are waiting for me to come home for visits, and for those who have came to visit.. thank you for still sticking by my side even though I am thousands of miles away. Some of you don't understand my new lifestyle or why I have this passion. But I truly appreciate that you accept it and are willing to listen to me tell you all of my endless stories when I come home and comforting me when I cry when I am missing my kids and friends back in Haiti. You have shown me what true friendship is.

To my donors, sponsors, volunteers, and fundraisers. Endless thanks to you. I would not be where I am today without your ongoing support. You have not only made my dreams possible, but also many childrens dreams possible as well. You have impacted more lives then you can imagine. To Bridge2Haiti (Sarah Griffith) thank you for not only putting a secure and comfortable roof over our heads but also thank you making me laugh until I cry, for supporting me, and for being someone I can go to for advice. To my volunteers- thank you for taking the time out of your lives to engage into a new culture and to spend time with my children. I hope to see many of you return to Haiti in the future :) Huge thanks to my current volunteer Justin Parkinson for missing his Christmas and New years with his family to stay with my kids so I could see my Canadian family. Your understanding and ability to adapt to Haiti has truly impressed me. I am very glad to have you there and honored to call you my friend. To Eric Patenaude, I have definitely not said it enough.. but thank you for making any of this possible. Without your eagerness for me to start the Non-Profit I never would have wound up where I am at today. I am forever grateful.

2012 was just the beginning of the rest of my life. And I can't wait to see what 2013 has in store.

Dekole, Ole, Ole...

Sitting in Miami airport .. It is currently 6:12 pm and in 2 hours I will be headed home to the great north and strong. It seems that whenever the plane begins to descend to touch down on Florida grounds, my heart races and my eyes fill with tears. It happens every time I leave Haiti. And for these last couple trips I keep asking myself why ? Why at that exact moment do I feel as if my entire body was hit by a freight train. I still don't fully understand it but maybe I'm not meant to. I think a part of it has to do with finally realizing I'm away from my comfort zone, that I'm missing my babies and Haitian family already, that I'm anxious to see my Canadian family, but most of all because I know that every time I leave, a part of me changes. I know that when I return home I will not be the same person I was when I left a few short months ago. And I know that when I return to Haiti I will have also changed. Going home to Canada is where I have time to stop, reflect on my absolutely crazy and chaotic life on the small Caribbean island, and it really makes me realize how ungrateful I once was as my small childish self took everything for granted. Stepping back into the house I grew up in brings back memories that flood my mind .. Good and bad. In my small town im bound to see the people I have eliminated from my life due to fall outs, heartbreaks, or just for obvious reasons and I'm also bound to see those who I have been trying not to eliminate but to put in the back of my mind .. As thinking of them while over seas hurts more then salt water in a cut. Going home is always mixed emotions. However, as like any thing that is difficult or uncomfortable in life .. You grow from it.

My heart aches leaving Haiti because I so desperately wish they could come up with a cloning machine so I could be in two places at once.. Instead .. My heart is stretched and pulled at both ends. I miss my babies, my Haitian family, friends, and my wee best friend already. Today has been one interesting day - forgot my passport and was stuck at the port au prince airport- thanks to Val who rushed over on a Moto with my passport (my life) in his hands. Make it just on time for my flight. Haven't been feeling well the past two days and of course as the plane jumps into the air my stomach jumps into my mouth. Thank god for the little bags they leave at the back of the seats. I slept most of the way to Miami and woke as the plane was beginning to touch down and while I fought with all my might to keep my raging emotions bottled inside. I got off the plane and headed to customs. I began to become frustrated with the customs officer as he wasn't understanding what I was saying - that was until I realized I was no longer in Haiti but the United States- a country that does not speak kreyol.. I now understand why he was looking at me as if I had 5 heads.

Anyways .. I'm here in Miami safe and sound with a crappy cold/sinus infection that my best friend so generously gave me (yes that's you Maeve). Although that heart of mine is being pulled in so many directions right now .. It begins to beat faster knowing that I get to see my baby brothers tonight !!! Can't wait to run and kiss them and hug them in the airport and of course embarrass them- something I am very talented at :)

Be back soon Haiti. Take care of my babes and my loved ones until I get back. & Canada .... Please be gentle tonight as I step out of the airport in my Capri pants and not make me into a human icicle.

Going back to listening to some jperry, kreyol-la and shaggy now and pretending I'm still under the hot sun dancing like beyonce (or pretending I'm beyonce and making a fool outta this blan) before reality hits me.

Love to you all.

Christmas in Haiti ..

It is Christmas Eve And as I sit here tonight with a heavy heart and a head full of thoughts I look back on the last 8 months of my life and all of the things that have nearly broken me, the things that have tested me, and the things that have impacted my life in such a great way that I will never be the same person I was last year, yesterday, or ten minutes ago. I am still learning more about myself, this world, Haiti, it's culture, and why I'm here each and every second that passes.

In two days I will be returning to Canada once again. Up until about a week and a half ago I was so excited to go home, to get outta here, and to have a little bit of normalcy in my life for two weeks. Oh right, and sleep. However, recently I had a large group of volunteers and watching them walk around Haiti and ask questions it made me think a lot about my life and why exactly I am here in Haiti as I have briefly touched on it in previous blogs but never sat down and just let my heart speak. I started crying. I have been stressing so much in these past few months trying to piece together my life and figure out my future. How am I going to make a living ? How am I going to be able to support myself and hopefully a family one day? I can't do that by just simply volunteering and living off the $100 a month I get from my mom. As one of my volunteers said "do you think you are actually going to stay here or do you think you can go home and live there and just know that you can come back whenever you want?". This question tugged at my heart and made me admit something's I have been trying to deny to myself for the last few months. This is my life. This is my home. This is the place where I truly feel alive. Where I have the freedom to be myself and not be judged. To make the most radical decisions and to literally live each day as if it was my last. I feel comfortable here. At times I get so down and wish my life could just be normal and consistent. I sometimes wonder if I ruined my future by making this huge decision at such a young age. I think about having a family, a husband, a salary...
And then I think about Haiti. About my children and my friends and my life here. How can I leave that behind ?

The sad truth is .. I can't. As much as I desire the luxuries of home some days, I know that in my heart as soon as I return home it will be aching to come back. I know that although I am frustrated and stressed and feel as if I'm going insane, the depression when I return home would out do that.

Why am I in Haiti ?
I used to believe I was in Haiti for everyone else. But recently I have realized I am in Haiti for selfish reasons. I am in Haiti for me. Because when I see people smile after one small gesture of kindness.. It makes me feel good. It makes my entire body dance with joy and makes me feel like I am doing something more then sitting In an office or inside a building collecting zeros on my pay cheque. I am in Haiti because this is where I have found my heart. This is where I am happy. Every day I cross paths with the most amazing, interesting, and wise people.

As I sit here tonight I am missing Christmas. I am missing hot chocolate, stockings, the smell of a fresh cut tree. And most of all my family. Christmas in Haiti is not as well celebrated as back home, however, while I'm currently driving in a taptap I am passing loads of people on the streets wearing Santa hats and laughing and drinking and it brings a smile to my face as Christmas here has true meaning- being together is all that matters. The government decides to give electricity all night as a gift to the city. It looks so beautiful all lit up. I can honestly say that I love this country. As much as I curse it out and as much as some days I feel like taking a step off my beautiful balcony .. It owns my heart in a very twisted way. I guess you could say "its a love haiti relationship". I am sad tonight as I know there are kids digging through the garbage right outside my door and families that are going to bed hungry. It hurts me to know how absolutely fortunate I was growing up and how I didn't realize it until now. I never really thought Santa was a big deal until this year .. Yes I am passed the point of believing.. But he is an important character in many children's lives back home and I wish it was the same here. Santa brings hope and excitement and teaches us about giving but most of all it allows us to use our imagination and believe in something even though you can't see it. But then again .. How are children supposed to believe in Santa when most have never had a present under their tree .. Let alone a tree to put presents under. All I want for Christmas this year is for people back home to stop and look at their house right now .. Look at the lights, the happiness, the presents and food .. And not to be saddened by it but to remember those out there that are sleeping on the streets or digging through garbage to find one small crumb of food. And please remember just how fortunate we all truly are no matter what battles we may currently be facing. I am so grateful to be able to spend Christmas with my amazing children, my staff, volunteers, and my best friend !!!

I love and miss you all back home and will see some of you very soon. Happy Christmas everyone !

Oh for the Love of Haiti...

It’s not the middle of the night or anything, but I have already attempted to go to sleep once tonight. I was almost successful too. So much so that I kept nodding off while reading "A Fine Balance" and only woke up when my head hit my laptop with a thump.

I have a confession to make. It may be shocking to some of you. Here it goes. I’ve realized in this last week that yes, I'm actually human. I think I have finally hit the point of complete exhaustion and frustration and my mind has been sending mixed messages and doubts. I have never doubted Haiti.. ever. But right now my mind, my body, and my soul have possibly just reached their limits. My life is complete chaos. It has been for the last 7 months and 17 days but right now it is at an all time high. My head is constantly racing and I can't even keep up with my own thoughts. I currently have 3 teething babies, 1 of which is hospitalized at Hopital Espoir with a constant fever and distended stomach, another at home with Diarrhea and a chest infection, and the other.. well she's actually doing pretty well- finally has grown some hair and started laughing, playing, and talking. The biggest problem I am having in Haiti is how long it takes for anything to be accomplished or organized. When I set my mind to something, I do it. I do not like to put things off. However, in Haiti, that's all people seem to do. There is never any rush, the concept of time seems to be non-existent. To say the least, our desks that were supposed to be finished 3 weeks ago, have finally be completed today !!!!! I am also frustrated with being a "blan". I hate it and most of all I hate arguing. But in Haiti, it has become a constant thing. It seems like the majority of my time is consumed by arguing with people about prices and also about basic information and facts whether it be about hygiene, health, or discipline -it seems that since I'm a foreigner my advice is not valid as I need to do things the Haitian way- but for some reason I can't seem to stay in pissed covered clothes all day after a baby decides to go to the toilet on me- for me, its common sense that I would change my clothes due to hygienic concerns (bacteria) , for my kids, not so much. I wish they could understand that I am here to help them, not to harm them. And that by asking them to change their dirty clothes is to make sure that they stay healthy, not only for my benefit, but for theirs !!! Money has never been important to me, EVER, but doing this "job" and taking care of children and relying on donations to feed them, clothe them, and educate them, money has become everything and I truly hate this part of my "job". I have realized that money does turn one bitter- whether it be that you have too much, or if you have too little. I am so worried that most of my days are being eaten up with stress and with me sitting at my computer screen constantly trying to seek funding, answering emails, or doing paperwork that I am losing valuable time with my kids who so greatly need my attention. I think I need a vacation. I have never felt the desire to leave Haiti, but right now I am counting down the days until December 27th when I head home for a two week break to spend some time with my Canadian family.

Some days I wonder if I'm making a big mistake. I have those small moments when I wonder "Am I nuts for doing this, for living like this?" It’s easy to question my life here because let’s face it, normal hardly blips on the radar. After sitting down with staff and also the kids and going over some much needed rules, I am hopeful that things may start to fall back into place and I'm beginning to remember some of the wonderful things about living here. Things like the roosters crowing bright and early (something that most people don't find wonderful about living here until you actually leave the country and return home). The dogs barking. The beautiful mountains and sea. The stickiness of layers of sweat and body goo. The feeling of dirt gathering on the bottoms of your feet. The way a good breeze can bring back your sanity. I keep reminding myself why I am here and why I fell in love with this country. I am trying to spend less time on my computer and more time doing the things I love - watching my kids laugh, spending time with the boys from the tent city, and just enjoying the beauty of Haiti. Life has a way of passing you by when immersed in so much change. I know that this is just another test that God has put in my path and that I need to stay focused and be determined to overcome it. And I know that I will overcome it. Volunteering is my passion, my way of life. The stoke I get from seeing someone smile from a simple gesture of kindness is pure joy. Life is an adventure, and sometimes you wipe out and lose your way but like my Dad always says "you gotta just keep pluggin along" and as my favourite quote states "this too shall pass". I know in my heart that I can do this, and I know in my heart that this phase will pass. I know that I have to have faith that everything is happening for a reason and that once again, I will only grow stronger. I will not break, I cannot break. I have too many little hands and hearts depending on me.

Next week I have 5 volunteers (six including Justin who is already here) joining us. I am so excited for them to come as I know they will be a huge help with the kids and keep my mind off of the more stressful things. I know our house is going to be full or laughter and joy and warm hearts and I cannot wait. I am also trying to get things organized for Christmas, I had promised the boys earlier this year that I would buy them a bike, so I am on the hunt for a decent bike for a good price. I love seeing all of the Christmas lights up and it makes me miss back home. This will be one unique Christmas, my first Christmas without snow, without cold, without my Canadian family, and without the comforts of home, but I am totally looking forward to it and excited to see my kids faces on Christmas morning. I am currently working on a lesson plan for tomorrow's English class. This class has already brought me so much joy and smiles and I truly look forward to the classes to come and watching the kids learn and grow. As tough as things are, just writing this blog has helped me. I am currently smiling after typing about Christmas and my kids- two things I truly love. Life is good. And I can only think that it is going to get better. Thank you to everyone who has been praying for baby Jodnise and the rest of us at Ke Kontan and also thank you to those who have continued to support us on this journey. There is no way that we could have come so far without all of you.

Living in the Grey..

Today has been a day of mixed emotions. We have two new little additions to our home. They are unique and beautiful, they are twins. Jodline and Jodnise will be staying with us until they are able to gain some weight and muscles as they are very malnourished. They are one year and two months and are the size of my five month old baby. They live in Wharf Jeramie. As I sit here tonight holding Jodnise in my arms with Justin (our newest volunteer) sitting beside me and holding Jodline I can't help but stop and take a breath and realize how blessed I am despite the lack of sleep I will get tonight and the exhaustion I will face tomorrow. How blessed am I to have the opportunity to get to know these little girls, to develop a relationship with them, and to watch them grow and become healthy. I am looking forward to the day when they have the strength in their body to laugh, to stand, and to play.

I have really enjoyed having Justin here as we have had so many deep discussions about life, about Haiti, as well as many laughs- like right now as we watch the baby girls crawl from the mat onto the cold hard concrete floor and Jodline cross her legs like a little lady (this has now been repeated about 20 times as Justin and I keep getting up to put them back onto the mat). We also had a good laugh tonight as I started screaming as something was biting me in my shirt and finally it went away then Justin joked that I had ants in my clothes and that soon I'd have the ants in my pants. Sure enough, the next thing you know I'm dancing around going crazy and a huge "Prince Ant" (as Justin calls it) falls out of my pants. Not impressed.

Sitting here tonight and venting to Justin about the daily struggles in Haiti I have realized that I haven't taken the time to stop lately and breathe and to enjoy the beauty of Haiti that I once fell in love with. Haiti is the most trying country and it will push you to your limits and start to suck the joy out of you- but only if you let it. However, as I have said in my previous posts, it does offer you the most amazing gifts and unites you with people who will touch your heart and change you forever. We have talked a lot today about living on the edge and taking risks. Risks are all I have ever known my entire life. I tend to make crazy decisions. Whenever I feel that tug in my heart I always tend to follow it (& yes sometimes without using my head first). No matter what the consequences I know that if I feel the need to do something, I have to do it or I won't be able to sleep, to function, and it will just eat away at me. And to be honest, every time that I have listened to that tug in my heart I have always ended up being rewarded with something great, even if it was just another lesson learned.

Every time I think about all of the huge, self discovery-type lessons that I've learned in the past seven months, I find myself thinking, "well how much more could I possibly learn about myself?! I live with myself every second of every day, so why do these life changing discoveries still continue to shock the holy heck out of me??" The process of growth fascinates me. At this current moment, personal growth is happening in the most exotic of settings but in the most mundane of situations. I am experiencing some mind-blowing realizations about myself while sitting on my bed, doing nothing, in Haiti. What a paradox--you would expect these changes to occur while, I don't know, say, perhaps climbing a mountain, running between hospitals beds and saving lives, or doing something absolutely spectacular.

This may come as a shock to those who know me, but I have always been very "black or white." Something either is or isn't. I need concreteness. I need stability. I need order. I need to be able to label and classify. When all of these "needs" are removed from my world, my brain goes into overtime to try to reorganize, reclassify, relabel, etc. The absence of "is or isn't" causes me to over analyze EVERYTHING, while simultaneously stressing and worrying about things that would normally not require such thought and analysis. I was so intensely uncomfortable with the grey and the uncertainty that I found myself feeling like my life was spinning out of control and that there was nothing I could do about it.

Right now, my life in Haiti is nothing BUT grey and uncertain, the only thing I am certain about is my love for this country and my love for these children. It's unpredictable. It has no order. It is chaos. It is so unlike my world back home. When I came back from my trip home in October I found myself desperately trying to hang on to certain aspects of my life that I thought I wanted to remain the same. I wanted this "sameness" because it gave me a sense of comfort and familiarity, a feeling that has taken me a long time to develop over here. But naturally, nothing in my world right now has even the slightest chance of remaining the same. At first I was so worried that this change would force me to grow apart from the people I care about most. And so it scared me to start feeling these changes taking place. I felt like I was going to lose important relationships simply as a result of change and because I decided to follow one of those tugs in my heart. What it boils down to, in terms of my own life and why I am here in the first place, is this: I did not come to Haiti to remain the same. I came here to grow as an individual and to develop new relationships with people that could inspire me in great ways. Growth requires change. I do not expect to be an entirely different person from this experience by any means; but I do expect to be a better, "improved" version of myself. And just because I am experiencing these changes DOES NOT mean that my relationships with people back home will inevitably fall apart. In fact, I can now fully anticipate these relationships continuing to strengthen as a result of my changes, simply because I will be bringing back this new and improved person into the equation. I have now realized that the most important relationships withstand the most dramatic and intense changes. The relationships that matter will survive through the storms and the chaos. I have learned that uncertainty is what keeps my life exciting, never knowing what to expect the next day. It has taught me patience and to stop trying to make sense of everything and to just go with the flow.

I still need to constantly remind myself that it's okay to live in the grey and to face uncertainty. It'll be uncomfortable. It'll be painful at times. It'll push me to my absolute limits- if it hasn't already. But the rewards far outweigh the pains, even if it takes me months to fully appreciate the rewards. I feel like this is the reason behind my being here--to learn to live in the grey and, more importantly, thrive while doing so. If I can conquer this fear of the unknown, I will be so much better equipped to deal with the more "traditional" changes that I anticipate coming up in the near future. Surviving and thriving in this "world" of Haiti: yeah, I think I'll be able to conquer anything that's put in my path...

Well off to bed I go as I prepare myself for a night of waking to crying teething babies and bed bugs and more uncertainty tomorrow !