This year has been full of dramatic highs and terrifying lows. It has tested me to my core. I decided to do something more with my life in February, when I started my Non-Profit organization "Hime For Help" with the assistance of my friend Eric Patenaude. I was tired of the day to day things at home and I was sick of just sitting in a classroom listening to one person tell me what I need to do to be "successful" in life. I was tired of people being so ignorant to the fact that they actually are fortunate and that just because their car broke down or they missed a payment on their credit card or they got into a fight with their husband- that they have a pretty good fricken life and that they will survive. I was sick of the same routines and standards of American society. And most of all, I was tired of belittling myself to meet everyone else's expectations and opinions. I was tired of controlling my passion and keeping it under the surface. I just wanted to help people. I just missed Ghana and most of all...Haiti. I decided to write a facebook status about the anger I was feeling one evening and the end result was this: "So you’re a business man?.. you make a lot of money?. That’s great. Does that impress me? NO. It actually does the opposite. See.. I have a different outlook on things. For me, success comes from changing a life, not about the amount of numbers you have on a pay check. Success for me is reaching out a hand to those who need it most; reaching out a hand to the minorities or those who are less fortunate than you. Success to me is when you can look past the colour of someone’s skin, or the age of a person, or where the person is from and even look past where that person may be going. To me .. success is about giving everything you have to improve the lives of others, instead of trying to improve your own." Eric, someone I had just met happened to read this status and felt compelled to not just merely scroll down the page like most did. He didn't know anything about me.. but what he did know was that I was itching to get back to the small Caribbean Island that I had lost my heart too. That's when he developed the Hime For Help website and decided to print out an application for a Non-Profit organization. The events that unfolded after, were completely unexpected and unimaginable.
I can honestly say my life began on April 24, 2012. This is the day that I stepped off the plane into the scorching hot sun, into the very complex country that I would now be calling home. I didn't know what to expect. I really didn't have any plans. All that I knew was that my heart was leading the way. For the longest time I had been battling with my head and my heart (and I still do to this day) but it was time that I let my heart win and even though it seemed impossible - It was time to do what I had always been wanting to do. Help people.
The truth is.. I was naive coming to Haiti. I had no clue about the troubles I would encounter, about how difficult this country can be, and I didn't really think of all of the responsibilities I would be taking on. At times, I think to myself "this is too much" but then I know that if I choose any other path in my life I will be saying "this isn't enough". My life has changed drastically. My outlooks have changed, my personality has changed and my skin has become a lot thicker but at the same time.. my heart is more fragile. Haiti changes you in weird ways. It makes you tough but yet breaks down your walls and releases emotions you thought you never had. You learn to adapt to the un-adaptable- the things that are far from what most reading this would consider "normal".
Throughout this past year I have experienced more then what I thought I would ever experience in my entire life. I have held hands of starving and dying children, I have stared into their eyes as they took their last breath. I watched people shoot at each other as if we were in the midst of a world war. I have watched people be treated as animals- especially women. I have heard the cries of rape victims that not only lost their dignity & virginity but also their health as HIV rushed through their veins. I witnessed the cruelty of mother nature as I stood at the top of the mountain in a small house made of mud and sticks in the midst of a hurricane and watch it tumble to the ground as I huddled with the family I have fallen so deeply in love with to keep warm. I have witnessed corruption first hand. I have experienced love, loss, sorrow, anger, and grief beyond measures. My heart has been thrown to the ground, stomped on, and then put back together with my babies smiles, laughter, and from the support and comfort of friends. Some days I just can't speak or tell of the things I witnessed that day because it just hurts too much and its frustrating trying to illustrate a picture for people to understand ... the only thing I can do is just laugh and laugh until I forget why I was crying before. This is when my best friends come in handy.
Despite all that being said.. my heart beats louder than it ever has before. I am truly blessed and I can say that with confidence. Despite the heart wrenching days, I get to come home to my kids. They make me laugh harder then I have ever laughed before. I get to hold them and hug them and kiss them and love them. And that's enough for me. That makes everything worthwhile.
I want my kids to know that I never expected to be a single mother at the age of 19 (now 20). That I never imagined having eight children running around and clingy off me every minute of every day. I never imagined that my days would be filled with changing diapers, cleaning up vomit, bandaging wounds, punishing children by making them sit in the corner, and running around kicking soccer balls and riding down my driveway on skateboards. But I would not change it for the world. If they read this one day, I want them to know that they are the bravest, strongest, and most resilient people that I have ever met. They are so talented and intelligent and I am impressed by them more and more with each day that passes. That even though I embarrass them, tease them, and annoy them, that it is all out of love. I want them to know that I am going to make mistakes...a lot of them.. but I promise to always stick by their sides, to defend them, to protect them, and to love them even when they think they are undeserving of being loved. I promise to encourage them, to motivate them, and to be there cheering them on every step of the way. And I promise to spend the rest of my time on this earth reminding them how truly magnificent they are and to never settle for less then what they deserve.
I came to Haiti not speaking the language, not knowing the culture, and not knowing much about the children's lives that I would be entering into. My kids have taught me everything I know. They forced me to learn Kreyol by not letting me use "language barrier" as an excuse to not understand them. They had patience with me and taught me with repetitiveness, hand signals, and just screaming at the top of their lungs until I finally understood them. They taught me about their culture, their food, how to wash my clothes by hand, and how to interact with people on the streets. They opened their hearts and allowed me into their lives. They trust me and I trust them. They put up with my horrible sense of humor and my desire to trick them or embarrass them, and they have finally learned to start doing it back to me (Don has become quite good at that). And I do believe they love me just as much as I love them. They are the reason I am still able to wake up with a smile each morning and carry on during my most difficult days. They are the true reason why I can say that 2012 has been my best year yet.
"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand."- Henri Nouwen
This past year I have met, befriended, and have been reunited with people that have touched my life in such great ways and who fit the above description perfectly. 2012 allowed me to leave my country, my comforts, and explore a new culture, new lifestyle.. and well.. new people and friends. There are many people that I have crossed paths with within this past year that have inspired me, encouraged me, motivated me and they have allowed me to take a break from the chaos and hear myself laugh. I have always been independent and have never relied on others for my happiness, however, this last year I have become a lot less independent and have looked to friends to pick me back up when I have fallen down. They understand me better than most as they too are submerged into the complexities that Haiti has to offer. They understand why I am here. They understand my desire and willingness to leave my past luxuries behind. And they understand how I can curse and express my hatred for Haiti, but still love it with all my heart. They are the ones that remind me who I am when I feel more lost than ever. Maeve Mcgoldrick, Sarah Griffith, Tina Florial, Val P, Christian Laplanche, Justin Parkinson, Bill Waterman, Brunache Jocenel, Rigan Louis, Wilmen Jean Pierre, Lesly Pinard, Matt & Sarah Rideout, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart !!!! And to my friends back home who still write to me, who are waiting for me to come home for visits, and for those who have came to visit.. thank you for still sticking by my side even though I am thousands of miles away. Some of you don't understand my new lifestyle or why I have this passion. But I truly appreciate that you accept it and are willing to listen to me tell you all of my endless stories when I come home and comforting me when I cry when I am missing my kids and friends back in Haiti. You have shown me what true friendship is.
To my donors, sponsors, volunteers, and fundraisers. Endless thanks to you. I would not be where I am today without your ongoing support. You have not only made my dreams possible, but also many childrens dreams possible as well. You have impacted more lives then you can imagine. To Bridge2Haiti (Sarah Griffith) thank you for not only putting a secure and comfortable roof over our heads but also thank you making me laugh until I cry, for supporting me, and for being someone I can go to for advice. To my volunteers- thank you for taking the time out of your lives to engage into a new culture and to spend time with my children. I hope to see many of you return to Haiti in the future :) Huge thanks to my current volunteer Justin Parkinson for missing his Christmas and New years with his family to stay with my kids so I could see my Canadian family. Your understanding and ability to adapt to Haiti has truly impressed me. I am very glad to have you there and honored to call you my friend. To Eric Patenaude, I have definitely not said it enough.. but thank you for making any of this possible. Without your eagerness for me to start the Non-Profit I never would have wound up where I am at today. I am forever grateful.
2012 was just the beginning of the rest of my life. And I can't wait to see what 2013 has in store.
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