In two days I will be returning to Canada once again. Up until about a week and a half ago I was so excited to go home, to get outta here, and to have a little bit of normalcy in my life for two weeks. Oh right, and sleep. However, recently I had a large group of volunteers and watching them walk around Haiti and ask questions it made me think a lot about my life and why exactly I am here in Haiti as I have briefly touched on it in previous blogs but never sat down and just let my heart speak. I started crying. I have been stressing so much in these past few months trying to piece together my life and figure out my future. How am I going to make a living ? How am I going to be able to support myself and hopefully a family one day? I can't do that by just simply volunteering and living off the $100 a month I get from my mom. As one of my volunteers said "do you think you are actually going to stay here or do you think you can go home and live there and just know that you can come back whenever you want?". This question tugged at my heart and made me admit something's I have been trying to deny to myself for the last few months. This is my life. This is my home. This is the place where I truly feel alive. Where I have the freedom to be myself and not be judged. To make the most radical decisions and to literally live each day as if it was my last. I feel comfortable here. At times I get so down and wish my life could just be normal and consistent. I sometimes wonder if I ruined my future by making this huge decision at such a young age. I think about having a family, a husband, a salary...
And then I think about Haiti. About my children and my friends and my life here. How can I leave that behind ?
The sad truth is .. I can't. As much as I desire the luxuries of home some days, I know that in my heart as soon as I return home it will be aching to come back. I know that although I am frustrated and stressed and feel as if I'm going insane, the depression when I return home would out do that.
Why am I in Haiti ?
I used to believe I was in Haiti for everyone else. But recently I have realized I am in Haiti for selfish reasons. I am in Haiti for me. Because when I see people smile after one small gesture of kindness.. It makes me feel good. It makes my entire body dance with joy and makes me feel like I am doing something more then sitting In an office or inside a building collecting zeros on my pay cheque. I am in Haiti because this is where I have found my heart. This is where I am happy. Every day I cross paths with the most amazing, interesting, and wise people.
As I sit here tonight I am missing Christmas. I am missing hot chocolate, stockings, the smell of a fresh cut tree. And most of all my family. Christmas in Haiti is not as well celebrated as back home, however, while I'm currently driving in a taptap I am passing loads of people on the streets wearing Santa hats and laughing and drinking and it brings a smile to my face as Christmas here has true meaning- being together is all that matters. The government decides to give electricity all night as a gift to the city. It looks so beautiful all lit up. I can honestly say that I love this country. As much as I curse it out and as much as some days I feel like taking a step off my beautiful balcony .. It owns my heart in a very twisted way. I guess you could say "its a love haiti relationship". I am sad tonight as I know there are kids digging through the garbage right outside my door and families that are going to bed hungry. It hurts me to know how absolutely fortunate I was growing up and how I didn't realize it until now. I never really thought Santa was a big deal until this year .. Yes I am passed the point of believing.. But he is an important character in many children's lives back home and I wish it was the same here. Santa brings hope and excitement and teaches us about giving but most of all it allows us to use our imagination and believe in something even though you can't see it. But then again .. How are children supposed to believe in Santa when most have never had a present under their tree .. Let alone a tree to put presents under. All I want for Christmas this year is for people back home to stop and look at their house right now .. Look at the lights, the happiness, the presents and food .. And not to be saddened by it but to remember those out there that are sleeping on the streets or digging through garbage to find one small crumb of food. And please remember just how fortunate we all truly are no matter what battles we may currently be facing. I am so grateful to be able to spend Christmas with my amazing children, my staff, volunteers, and my best friend !!!
I love and miss you all back home and will see some of you very soon. Happy Christmas everyone !
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