I have a confession to make. It may be shocking to some of you. Here it goes. I’ve realized in this last week that yes, I'm actually human. I think I have finally hit the point of complete exhaustion and frustration and my mind has been sending mixed messages and doubts. I have never doubted Haiti.. ever. But right now my mind, my body, and my soul have possibly just reached their limits. My life is complete chaos. It has been for the last 7 months and 17 days but right now it is at an all time high. My head is constantly racing and I can't even keep up with my own thoughts. I currently have 3 teething babies, 1 of which is hospitalized at Hopital Espoir with a constant fever and distended stomach, another at home with Diarrhea and a chest infection, and the other.. well she's actually doing pretty well- finally has grown some hair and started laughing, playing, and talking. The biggest problem I am having in Haiti is how long it takes for anything to be accomplished or organized. When I set my mind to something, I do it. I do not like to put things off. However, in Haiti, that's all people seem to do. There is never any rush, the concept of time seems to be non-existent. To say the least, our desks that were supposed to be finished 3 weeks ago, have finally be completed today !!!!! I am also frustrated with being a "blan". I hate it and most of all I hate arguing. But in Haiti, it has become a constant thing. It seems like the majority of my time is consumed by arguing with people about prices and also about basic information and facts whether it be about hygiene, health, or discipline -it seems that since I'm a foreigner my advice is not valid as I need to do things the Haitian way- but for some reason I can't seem to stay in pissed covered clothes all day after a baby decides to go to the toilet on me- for me, its common sense that I would change my clothes due to hygienic concerns (bacteria) , for my kids, not so much. I wish they could understand that I am here to help them, not to harm them. And that by asking them to change their dirty clothes is to make sure that they stay healthy, not only for my benefit, but for theirs !!! Money has never been important to me, EVER, but doing this "job" and taking care of children and relying on donations to feed them, clothe them, and educate them, money has become everything and I truly hate this part of my "job". I have realized that money does turn one bitter- whether it be that you have too much, or if you have too little. I am so worried that most of my days are being eaten up with stress and with me sitting at my computer screen constantly trying to seek funding, answering emails, or doing paperwork that I am losing valuable time with my kids who so greatly need my attention. I think I need a vacation. I have never felt the desire to leave Haiti, but right now I am counting down the days until December 27th when I head home for a two week break to spend some time with my Canadian family.
Some days I wonder if I'm making a big mistake. I have those small moments when I wonder "Am I nuts for doing this, for living like this?" It’s easy to question my life here because let’s face it, normal hardly blips on the radar. After sitting down with staff and also the kids and going over some much needed rules, I am hopeful that things may start to fall back into place and I'm beginning to remember some of the wonderful things about living here. Things like the roosters crowing bright and early (something that most people don't find wonderful about living here until you actually leave the country and return home). The dogs barking. The beautiful mountains and sea. The stickiness of layers of sweat and body goo. The feeling of dirt gathering on the bottoms of your feet. The way a good breeze can bring back your sanity. I keep reminding myself why I am here and why I fell in love with this country. I am trying to spend less time on my computer and more time doing the things I love - watching my kids laugh, spending time with the boys from the tent city, and just enjoying the beauty of Haiti. Life has a way of passing you by when immersed in so much change. I know that this is just another test that God has put in my path and that I need to stay focused and be determined to overcome it. And I know that I will overcome it. Volunteering is my passion, my way of life. The stoke I get from seeing someone smile from a simple gesture of kindness is pure joy. Life is an adventure, and sometimes you wipe out and lose your way but like my Dad always says "you gotta just keep pluggin along" and as my favourite quote states "this too shall pass". I know in my heart that I can do this, and I know in my heart that this phase will pass. I know that I have to have faith that everything is happening for a reason and that once again, I will only grow stronger. I will not break, I cannot break. I have too many little hands and hearts depending on me.
Next week I have 5 volunteers (six including Justin who is already here) joining us. I am so excited for them to come as I know they will be a huge help with the kids and keep my mind off of the more stressful things. I know our house is going to be full or laughter and joy and warm hearts and I cannot wait. I am also trying to get things organized for Christmas, I had promised the boys earlier this year that I would buy them a bike, so I am on the hunt for a decent bike for a good price. I love seeing all of the Christmas lights up and it makes me miss back home. This will be one unique Christmas, my first Christmas without snow, without cold, without my Canadian family, and without the comforts of home, but I am totally looking forward to it and excited to see my kids faces on Christmas morning. I am currently working on a lesson plan for tomorrow's English class. This class has already brought me so much joy and smiles and I truly look forward to the classes to come and watching the kids learn and grow. As tough as things are, just writing this blog has helped me. I am currently smiling after typing about Christmas and my kids- two things I truly love. Life is good. And I can only think that it is going to get better. Thank you to everyone who has been praying for baby Jodnise and the rest of us at Ke Kontan and also thank you to those who have continued to support us on this journey. There is no way that we could have come so far without all of you.
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