My mind is constantly being filled with more and more dreams. There are so many things that I wish I could do and so many ways I wish that I could help. I have this burning desire to do more, to be more, to the point where sometimes I forget to live in the moment... to look around me and appreciate the current place that I am in and to breathe and take it step by step. My calling to be in Haiti is evident. Most dreams I have all stem from living here: I want to create a transition home for our older children, I want to have a center for children suffering from malnutrition and infectious diseases, I want to create a home for young teenage mothers to help them get on their feet and raise their children. My passion lies in these dreams. The need is so great here... every where I look there just seems to be more and more and more. And it hurts not being able to do more. It can be soul crushing at times. It hurts having to sit back and watch innocent people suffer on a daily basis. You think to yourself "What if I...", "How can I..", "I need to...". Even though I struggle with this constantly, I know that I am where I am meant to be. That there is no other choice for me. My life is wrecked. I also know that I cannot not give up on these dreams and tugs in my heart. I know that Rome was not built in a day. That it takes time. And that fundraising is hard.
I have been struggling lately not only with these dreams of mine, but also with illnesses, and trying to balance life. In May I took on a full time job. This is something I knew that I needed to do to be able to continue living here in Haiti and fulfilling what I was meant to do. However, what I did not realize is how extremely difficult it would be to try to balance that among spending time with my kids, running a non-profit organization, managing staff, hosting volunteers, having important meetings, doing paperwork, handling finances, bringing my own kids to the hospital for doctors apts, managing an entire household, etc etc. It is slowly beginning to creep up on me. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am not a robot or superhero and that it's okay if I can't do it all. I have felt more worn down then ever (also likely due to Typhoid and Parasite). I feel stuck. I miss the days when I got to spend the majority of my time with my kids, when I was able to assist in daily tasks at the home, when I could properly manage our staff and go to important meetings, I miss fundraising and hosting volunteers all of which generate more help for our kids. I miss all of that to the point where my heart literally aches. I feel guilt, anger, hurt, exhaustion. But living in Haiti is expensive. Most things are imported so the cost of living is quite high, contrary to what most people would think. And in order for me to remain here, I must work. I have never drawn a salary from my organization nor from the Children's Home- not only because it just never sat right with me, but also because we struggle on a daily basis just to provide the basic necessities for our kids and I truly believe that everything that is given to us- the children deserve (like I said before fundraising is HARD). I always wish I could do more for them as well, like put them into a better school- take more trips with them to show them the true beauty of their country- to provide them with more items in the home that will help them with their development- that list goes on and on too.
I do not know what the perfect solution is. I am guessing that it's going to take a few more months of stress and juggling before I begin to figure that out. But I hope the answer comes soon. I know that sometimes following your heart means losing your mind.
Thankfully this week I had some extra help at the house as a team from Tennessee came down. They brought with them a ton of tools and supplies and have built some things we were in dire need of around the house. They worked their butts off in this heat and accomplished so much in the short four days they were with us! It is folks like that who remind me why I am here and who motivate me and give me the strength, faith, and hope to keep on going.
"Great things never came from comfort zones"