Ke Kontan

Ke Kontan

Tuesday, 26 May 2015

"M'ap kenbe fém" - I'm holding strong.

These days I am finding it hard to sit down and put all of my thoughts into words.  Usually it is something that just comes naturally to me, but now I find myself struggling to even think about my own thoughts.  I feel stretched in every direction.

I moved back to Haiti full time at the beginning of February.  I spent the first few months soaking up as much time as I possibly could with my kiddos, trying to get the house put back together, and also hosting numerous volunteers.  I told myself that if I was moving back to Haiti, I would need to find a decent job to be able to support myself and the kids.  I started applying anywhere and everywhere.  Finally, after 4 months of sending resumes and having interviews, I have found a job that seems fitting and something that I have always dreamed of doing.  I have decided to take on a 3 month internship at Bernard a Mevs Hospital here in Port Au Prince which will hopefully lead me to a job opportunity.  It is one of the best known hospitals in the country, and the only one with a CT Scan machine.  I started a few weeks ago and I absolutely love it.  I get to interact with people of all different backgrounds and who have incredible stories, and the staff is just wonderful.  But of course, working in triage/emergency isn't the easiest.  In just the past few weeks I've seen an incredible amount of trauma and heartbreak.  Whether it be gun shot wounds (we have multiple per day), car accidents, cancerous tumours that are bigger and more painful than I ever could imagine, HIV/TB, strokes, kidney failure, etc.  It's overwhelming most days and by the time I make it home after warring through the Port Au Prince traffic, I'm too exhausted to even speak.  The chaos pulls you in. As you can imagine, this is also hard as I am fighting to find time to spend with the kids.  It's hard being away from them during the days as I am so used to constantly being with them when I am here in Haiti.  I keep trying to push the hurt of missing them aside.  I keep telling myself that this is what I have to do.  I know this is what I have to do if I plan on being here indefinitely.  I need to make a life for myself.  I'm struggling.  My heart feels dehydrated.  

I'm not sure exactly what I was expecting when I first came to Haiti.. I guess I didn't really have any expectations.  I never ever imagined a life like this.  And although I am exhausted, drained, and at times feel hopeless... I still know in my heart that this is where I belong, that this is where I want to be, that this is what I am supposed to be doing.  The chaos has given my life purpose.  It has given me a reason to wake up and keep going each day.. because I have to.  I have too many little people relying on me.  Now I find myself reveling in the smallest of victories, like being able to take an actual shower, eating ice cream, and waking up mosquito-bite less.  Fortunately my mom was just in Haiti and I was able to spend some time hanging out with her and spending a night out of town with my friend Lauren and her mom as well.  It was definitely revitalizing.    

At times I have thought about taking the easy way out, jumping on the next flight outta here.  But that would be pointless.  My heart would lead me right back.  I must keep going.