One Love, One Life

Recently a friend said to me "I don't think you thought all this through... I thought you were going to Haiti to help the children, not commit to taking care of them until they are an adult? That's a huge commitment Em..I think we both now you simply wanted to do something GOOD opposed to rotting away in this sh**ty town"

This message really made me think about my decision. It allowed me to weigh the negatives and positives of my situation. My back aches from the moto rides and sleeping on a crappy bed, every day I feel disgusting because I am covered in dirt and sweat, my stomach hurts either from constipation or from diarrhea (there's no happy median), I eat the same food almost everyday- spaghetti and chicken and rice, I encounter cockroaches, spiders, and many other interesting creatures daily, I do not have electricity or running water, I have to shower with a small bucket and share a small bathroom with 15 people (you can imagine what that bathroom looks like and smells like with nine children running in and out), I have to deal with corruption and people constantly trying to rip off the "blan", I get furious because starving people would rather buy minutes for their cell phone then food to fill their bellies, I hate the fact that some Haitians do not have the most basic education because they cannot afford to go to school, I am sick of every Haitian man making kissing noises as I walk by or telling me "it was love at first sight", I am tired because I do not sleep at night due to the mosquito's, heat, and noise, I have become content with the fact that not many men will want to be with a woman who has nine children and who lives in a third world country, I am pissed off at the parents who are so willing to give up their children because if they don't have to pay for their school it means they have more money in their pocket for themselves, It drives me crazy when I see kids playing with condoms on the street or ripping of the rims and wearing them as bracelets, I worry everyday that something will happen to one of my children or that they will become ill, my life is full of chaos and uncertainty.

However, my life is also now full of love, joy, happiness, and simplicity. These children have stolen my heart- actually- Haiti as a whole has stolen my heart and I am afraid it will never give it back. In Haiti, I find purpose. I find a reason to live and to fight for what I believe in every day. I can be myself here and give out all of the love that my heart has to offer, because people here actually need that love and most of all- they want that love. Yes my life is chaotic and frustrating, but that is all wiped away when a child who has endured so much suffering looks up at me and smiles, or when I am walking down the street and they run up and grab my hand. I love the fact that in Haiti, you can be absolutely ridiculous- you can dance and you can sing in the streets, in a tap tap, or even in the middle of a market- and instead of people saying "wow, what is wrong with that person, they should be in a mental hospital", they will actually join in and cheer you on. The Haitian people are so resilient and strong. They have so much talent and so much potential. Haiti is beautiful. In Haiti I feel needed, I feel that this is where I am meant to be, this is what I am meant to be doing. Yes, there are so many struggles and obstacles, yes, my life is harder than it has ever been, and yes some days I break down and cry and I am ready to give up and return home, but to be honest, I am also happier than I have ever been. I spent my life watching, from a distance.. Behind tinted glass. And you know what.. I just couldn't do it anymore. So I stepped out and the most amazing thing happened. And suddenly, right in front of me, was reality.

It enlightens me to see children so eager to learn and so passionate about school and church. It's the simple things here that bring the biggest smiles to my face- like water gun fights on the beach, playing soccer with the boys, teasing my older girls about boyfriends, dancing and singing, giving endless amounts of piggy backs, having one of my babies tell me that they love me or that I am beautiful, having one of the kids fall asleep in my arms or across my lap, but the most rewarding thing is just watching them- seeing them be so happy with such little, seeing them laugh and play even though they have endured so much pain. I think to myself "if they can do it, if they have endured this their entire lives + more, then there is no reason that I cannot do it as well". Haiti has given me a deeper passion and understanding for humankind. Here, things are so different- there is no bullshit- just real life problems. It is all about survival and helping each other. It is a completely different lifestyle. And I absolutely love it. I will always care for these children.. that was my intentions coming here, not to care for them for only a year or two then abandon them just like the rest of their parents/family has done. How would that be helping them at all? The uncertainty in my life makes every day that much more interesting. On the tough days I just look around at my children, my family, and friends in Haiti, and remind myself that I have no reason not to smile. I have met the most amazing people who carry the biggest hearts and most giving hands. I want to spend the rest of my life serving these people and helping to better their lives.. even if that means sacrificing my own. They are worth it. My children are worth it. If you want to find the meaning in your life, come to Haiti. I didn't simply come to Haiti to escape my "sh*tty" town, I didn't come here to help these children temporarily, I came here to raise these children and to provide them with the best life that I possibly can. Most of all, I came here to once again feel alive and to do something I have dreamed of since I was a little girl. I don't know how long I will be here, I don't know what my future holds. Right now each day is a gift to me and I am living my life one day at a time. I have endured some harsh trials that have nearly broke me, but in totality they have allowed me to grow and become a much stronger woman. They have made me feel as if I can overcome anything I want to. For the longest time I was living a selfish life- it was all about me. Volunteering has made me realize how much better life is when it is no longer about yourself, but about everyone else. All of my experiences have allowed me to grow up and to appreaciate the things I once took for granted.

Yesterday was a great day. My hero, my inspiration, my dear friend, and someone who has continuously onmotivated and encouraged me throughout this journey, came to visit us at the orphanage. Alison Thompson is filmmaker, an author, a volunteerism and woman's empowerment advocate, and she is the most courageous and bravest woman that I know. We had a blast with her. We loaded the kids into the back of a tap tap and headed to the beach. We had water gun fights, played frisbee and soccer, and soaked up the sun and the beautiful scenery. I was so glad to have our two newest volunteers with us (Brooke Kivell and Madison Nelmes) so that they had the opportunity to meet this amazing woman as well.

On Monday, Brooke, Madison, and I will be making the move to Tabarre to the new house that we will be renting for the summer until we are able to find something more permanent. We are all excited and desperately needing a fresh start. We are going ahead of the children to prepare the house and also so I can take the girls around Port Au Prince and bring them to places that I also used to volunteer at. I am excited to share with them the experiences that changed my life and allowed me to fall in love with Haiti. I can only hope that Haiti gives to them as much that it has given to me.

Every day I am learning more and more and realizing how precious life truly is. I can't express enough how important it is to live it to the fullest and how important it is to do what you think you cannot do and to take that leap towards happiness. You've got one life. No else can live it for you. I can honestly say that if I were to die today, I would be content with that. I have had an amazing life full of great experiences and wonderful people and I have now done what I thought I could not do. I can only hope that I have many more years to continue accomplishing even more of my goals and to meet even more wonderful people that inspire me.

Sending my love back home. You are all in my heart. I wish every day that you were here to experience and feel what I am feeling. If I had one wish, it would be to get all your butts on a plane to Haiti to experience "real" life.
xoxoxo