& So This is Life...

Lately, my life could be considered chaotic. Actually, that does not even do it justice. Within the last month we have endured many hardships and have had to make many decisions based on our futures, as well as our children's futures. However, the last two weeks have literally spun my head around. From Malaria, to the loss of my uncle and not being able to make it home for the funeral, to a moto accident that resulted in a broken foot, dislocated knee, and a burn on the back of my leg, and now having a bad case of scabies that is spreading throughout the orphanage, I have become so overwhelmed and overcome with stress and emotion. I think the chaos is finally beginning to catch up to me.

On Friday, my friend Seanna contacted me and told me her plans to travel to Cite Soleil in search for a young boy who she was concerned about that may not have eaten in two weeks. I jumped at the opportunity to go. I needed some excitement and I wanted to so badly to help her find this boy. Seanna, Brandon, and I decided to hop on moto's and head into Cite Soleil- the slums of Haiti- the poorest and most dangerous place in the western hemisphere. Yes, on motos. We had no idea what to expect going into this area, but we were prepared to take on anything. However, on our way to Cite Soleil we were not expecting to get into a moto accident. Seanna and I were jamming to "Moves like Jagger" with our moto driver while Brandon was speeding ahead on his moto. Out of nowhere we were struck on the right side of the moto as well as on the front causing our moto to crash. The moto tipped and both Seanna and myself were stuck with our legs exposed to the tailpipe as well as exposed to the impact of the moto hitting our sides. We jumped up and both held onto our legs but our adrenaline was definitely pumping as we did not end up feeling our injuries until we hopped back onto the moto and continued on our way to Cite Soleil. The first thing we noticed was our burns. The exhaust from the cars that were passing us caused us an immense amount of pain. We still continued onto Cite Soleil and had a successful rest of the trip, other than being in pain. However, the pain became unbearable so we decided we needed to stop and get ourselves checked out and fixed up. As the adrenaline wore off, the morphine kicked in. I became so high from the morphine that I couldn't even keep my eyes open, I just kept laughing. It was awesome though, no pain !!! Later that night when I returned to the hotel room, still high on morphine, I began to feel the pain in my foot and in my knee. Turns out my foot was broken in two places and my knee was dislocated. In totality, it was still a great adventure and it will be yet another great memory to look back and laugh at. But for the meantime I am in a cast and on crutches and will be for a few weeks!

Today, I feel as if I am on another planet. I am feeling angry because I am not able to do the things I would usually do- run around, play soccer, pick up the kids, and even just get around- in Haiti, it is difficult to get around on crutches- especially when the crutches are too small for you. I am upset because I really want to be with my family, I wanted to attend my Uncle's funeral, and I want to be able to hug and console all of my family members during this difficult time. I am stressed because I want nothing but the best for these children and right now we need so many things and I do not even know where to start. We are in desperate need of a new house on top of everything else, as the one we are currently renting is way too small for fifteen people to be living in. My apartment back home was the size of our house now, and I was the only one living in it. We are all sharing one small, dark, and dirty bathroom. Our toilet does not work, our sink is literally ripped out of the wall, we do not have a light, and we also do not have a shower head. Bucket showers are our only means of getting clean- although they can be quite refreshing after long hot days. Our kitchen is just an empty room. We have no fridge, stove, table, or chairs. All of our nine children are crammed into one small room with bunkbeds. They have no room for their clothes and the heat is unbearable. My room consists of an empty room with a mattress on the floor. We have one chair to sit in and one wooden stool. We eat our meals scattered across the dirty floor. I never really thought of how crazy all of this is... until right now. I guess you don't really realize it, you just make do with what you have. And that is exactly what we have been doing. Although we may not have a lot of material objects, we do have a family, and this family consists of lots of love and that's more than enough for us.

I have spent the entire day sending emails, text messages, facebook messages, and making phone calls trying to seek assistance and trying to find land to purchase or a house to rent. All day I have literally felt like breaking down and crying, but I am trying to stay strong and I am trying my best to think positively. I have to keep reminding myself, this is life, it is not supposed to be easy. Rome was not built in one day. Thankfully my hero once again came to the rescue. Alison Thompson has been helping me out immensely, not only with finding support for the orphanage, but also with encouraging me to keep pushing on when I am about ready to give in. She has not only done remarkable work in Haiti, but also in other countries around the world. She is the strongest and most courageous woman that I know. "I think you just have to sit there and have a laugh at yourself- I did many times, it beats sorrow, etc. I remember collecting bodies all day and I was exhausted and sick and was sitting by the road with my shopping bags full of dead bodies and a little boy was running towards me with an arm and he finally got to me and popped it into the bag and he run off and I looked at the bag with legs and arms out of it and I took the boys dead arm and rearranged it then laughed out loud at the most ridiculous situation I was in and how I must have looked.. its all great life adventures some are up and some are very low.. but it is living and sure beats sitting at a bar back in usa getting drunk...... this is a good time to teach the kids how to look after you.. tell them sometimes you will get sick and the roles will be reversed and encourage them to be good caretakers as when they grow up they will need to care for people.. make a life lesson out of it for them. Some will have to get you things more instead of you jumping up and getting it yourself.... they in return will feel wanted and also that they have an important role in helping and are valuable." - Alison Thompson.

She is absolutely right. Lately I have been having my doubts, I have considered just giving it all up, but I can't. I know this is where I am meant to be, I know this is what I am meant to be doing despite all of the challenges. I know that if I were to give up and return to Canada, I would feel the same heartbreaking feeling that I felt only a few short months ago when I was in Canada longing to return to Haiti. Yes, life in Canada may be easier, but just because it is easier, does not make it right- or at least not for me. Challenges teach us lessons, challenges show us who we really are, they test us, and in the end, challenges make us stronger, they make us appreciate when things aren't so crazy, they allow us to realize that no matter what, we must keep pushing on. My heart is here in Haiti, and it will remain here. With my children, with my family, and with my friends.

I would greatly appreciate any assistance anyone could offer us right now with funding and also with finding a new location for Caleb's House. Literally, every cent counts! I think that is is essential for the children's safety, health, and all around well-being for us to relocate. We also still have a few kids that need sponsorships !!!! Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we continue to overcome new challenges everyday. Life sure is exciting here, you never know what is going to be thrown your way (Hopefully no more moto accidents or malaria). Thank you to everyone who has been assisting us and offering us words of encouragement. Special thanks to Alison Thompson, Cindi Courbat, Rachel Girard Mattsson, Patty Higgins Blaise, Justin Parkinson, Mary Thompson, P.J Pitts (for helping me find a cast & crutches), Melissa Berman, Alexandra Genis, Convoy of Hope, Terry Kivell, Susan Steinhauser, and most of all my Mommy & Daddy.

Missing everyone back home. Much love.

From the Heart..

She was 19 years old and it was the first time that she had truly loved anyone. For the longest time she did not believe she would ever fall in love, but despite their age gape and their many differences, she was. Completely head over heels.

In her eyes he was perfect, even though many people warned her of his flaws. He played the guitar and sang straight to her heart. He wasn't so hard on the eyes either. But for her that wasn't it. That is not what made her fall in love. When she was with him she could be herself; she could laugh with him; she could be completely silly; yet, when it was time to be serious or when something was wrong, she could lay in bed with him for hours having the deepest conversations that she had ever had with another being. She told him things that she had never told another. She let down her walls and opened her heart. They talked about their pasts, spoke about their present, and dreamed about their futures together. She felt this unbreakable connection and it scared her. He made her blush and giggle by saying things that only she would find funny. He made her heart flutter when he looked at her and made her heartache when they were apart.

They were far from being "perfect" for each other. She knew that it would be a challenge to maintain a relationship, but she was willing to fight for it. Although things were more than complicated, she could see a beautiful future full of laughter and love with him.

But she was stuck. She had two choices; either move to Haiti and live her dream and follow her passion or stay in a small town and fight for someone she truly loved - but the second option seemed like an uphill battle that she would never win. She could not force someone to love her back. Her heart was pulling her in two different directions and she knew she had to chose one. As hard as it was, her heart chose Haiti- she could see so many great possibilities and great things to come in Haiti where she knew she would just run her heart dry if she remained in the small town by trying to convince a man she loved him when he just would not believe it.

Leaving him behind nearly tore her apart. At first, it was only going to be for a year or two. She could do that. She would then come back to Canada, finish her University, and continue fighting for the man she loved. But then she became a mamma and she began to let more people into her heart. Everything then became a lot more complicated. She finally came to terms that she had to stay in Haiti. That was no problem, it would be hard, but she decided to hold onto her love because remaining full and comfortable was so much easier than dealing with the hurt and the emptiness that she would feel if she let go.

She begged and prayed that he would come to Haiti or that somehow they could figure out a way to make things work. But even though he fully supported her work in Haiti and stayed in contact with her when she made the official move, he never seemed too interested or able to envision himself living the life that she embraced. He had his own life in Canada and his own dreams to follow. She wanted so badly to live in both worlds, but it became impossible. Her eyes were opened and her life had made drastic changes within the first few weeks of living in Haiti. She couldn't pretend to be the same person anymore. She knew that she had to let go. She knew it was time to realize that she could not have both things that her heart longed for.

Even though he was not with her physically, he still made her glow with happiness as she walked through her new life as a single mother covered in dirt and constantly facing new obstacles. Even though they were miles apart he was still someone he could talk to about anything. He believed in her when everyone else told her that what she was doing was unrealistic or stupid, he cheered her on, and he picked her up when she became too weak to carry on. Seeing his name come up on her phone turned the worst days into the best.

Her heart ached, she cried, and she became somewhat depressed. But her nine children gave her the love and strength to carry on. Even though she knew that it was time to let go, it did not mean that she loved him any less. She still prayed every night that somehow they would cross paths again.

Some nights she cried her eyes out, to the point where she could hardly breathe. She missed him and just wish she could curl up beside him after a tough day. She wondered if she could ever love anyone like that again, she wondered if she would forever be alone. But every time she thought that, she was reminded that she wasn't alone, that her children would make her just as happy as a single mother covered in dust and dirt. They reminded her that they appreciated her and that they also believed in her when no one else did. They picked her up and gave her the strength when she felt to weak to carry on. They possessed the power to turn her worst days into the best with a kiss on the cheek or when they fell asleep in her lap. They would always be faithful to her and their love would be unconditional. They reminded her that they would never leave or forsake her and that they would make all things new; including her shattered heart. They filled her heart with so much love and joy and even though she still feels pain and a sense of loss.. she is complete. Her children have given her more than she could have ever imagined. She has now allowed nine little people into her heart and they possess every piece of it. Her heart is now in their little hands.

Twenty- Malaria & Heatbreak

I turned twenty on Wednesday and I spent my entire birthday marveling at the last year of my life, in particularly, the last few months. Between nineteen and twenty I learned to be a teacher, a nurse, a mentor; I learned to love another with all of my heart and most of all... I learned to be a mother. I never could have imagined that at twenty years old I would be living miles away from home in a developing country and raising nine children. Within this past year I have learned some of the most important lessons through my travels and through my experiences. Although I have been apart of some amazing stories with brilliant endings, I have also had my fare share of tragedies. Being in this line of work, and being in a country that contains a mass amount of disease and poverty, people are going to die. You are going to hear and see things that will haunt you forever. As painful as some of these memories are, they are ones I never want to forget. These memories have taught me so much and continue to teach me today. From each experience, no matter how hard it was or how much it hurt, I took something from it, I learned from it.


Things that I have learned in this past year:

I've learned that Life is messy, it always will be. Things are going to happen that do not make sense but you have to learn to accept the changes that come your way and embrace life the way it is.

I've learned that you have to stop trying to change people. No one will ever change unless they want to change themselves. You will exhaust yourself in the process.

I've learned that it is important to spend more time with those you make you smile and less time with those who cause you to self-destruct or cause you pain.

I've learned to never tell someone that their dreams are impossible, because if you do not have faith in them, they will lose faith in themselves and one day they may prove you to be a fool.

I've learned that materialistic things will never bring happiness. True happiness comes from the little things in life. The things that touch our hearts and souls.

I've learned not to judge people, ever. You will never know all of the details of their lives and what they have endured throughout their life.

I've learned that if you want to feel rich, help others. It is the most rewarding thing in the world.

I've learned that even when you feel as if you can no longer go on… you can.

I've learn that loving someone doesn't always mean keeping them. Sometimes, it also means you have to let them go.

I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned that when following your goals and dreams, there is no doubt that you are going to be disappointed along the way. People will always try to discourage you. Do not let them. These are merely bumps in the road and if you keep driving along, eventually you will reach your destination.

I've learned that what does not kill you will always make you stronger. Every time that you are faced with a difficult situation or something unplanned and unpleasant occurs in your life you will grow and learn from it.

I've learned that the people that truly love you are the ones that will be there when you hit rock bottom. They will love you even when you have lost your way and are unsure of how to get back on track. They will be there to lift you up and will support you no matter what decisions you may make in life. They will proudly stand by your side and encourage you to reach your full potential.

I've learned that when you feel like you have nothing, always remember there are always people with less than you. Go help them. You will develop a better understanding of how fortunate you truly are.

I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. The same goes for true love.

I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who do not even know you.

I've learned that when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, or even a complete stranger, you will find the strength to help.

I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I've learned that the people you love most are often taken from you too soon.

I've learned that sometimes you have to be your own hero. You cannot wait for someone else to save you or to make you happy. Your life is in your hands, only you know what to do with it.

I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them, and less to do with how many years you have lived.

I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I've learned that two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different


These past two weeks have once again been difficult. For most of the week I was bedridden with a sevre fever and pain. I was diagnosed with Malaria, as well as Montanna. Malaria is a mosquito-borne infectious disease of humans and other animals caused by eukaryotic protists (a type of microorganism) of the genus Plasmodium. The protists act as parasites within red blood cells, causing symptoms that typically include fever and headache, in severe cases progressing to coma or death. Not only did I suffer from a fever and headache but also suffered from a chest infection, muscle pain, fatigue, spleen enlargement, the chills, loss of appetite, my skin became sensitive, and I had a great deal of pain in my eyes as Malaria can cause retinal damage due to the fact that the parisities actually feed off of the oxygen and nutrients in the eyes. I am not fully recovered yet but I am definitely feeling better and on the mend. Special thanks to Lesly and Brunache who have been taking care of both Montanna and I.

I had a great birthday. I spent most of the day at the orphanage with the kids and Montanna and Brandon bought me a birthday cake and some drinks. I have spent my past two birthdays in Haiti and I could not imagine spending them anywhere else. Although I had a fabulous time, I did receive some news that night that I was not expecting. A friend of mine from Haiti was visiting the states for a few months. I worked with him last summer at Hopital Espoir and he is an amazing nurse and a great friend. He was supposed to return the day before my birthday and I had not heard from him. On Wednesday I found out that he had suffered from a seizure and was brought to the hospital and had an MRI. They found a tumor in his brain. The tumor developed from eating pork in Haiti that contained parasites. He is still unable to return to Haiti as they as still waiting to see if they are going to operate or not. I am hoping and praying that he will have a quick recovery and that he will be able to return to Haiti soon. On top of that, I also received news that my Uncle was in the hospital in London and was not doing well.

Brandon and I left for Port Au Prince yesterday morning at 6am. We would be heading into Cite Soleil and await for my friend Brunache to pick us up and drive us to Petionville to meet with Emmanuel- a friend of Melissa Berman's who had raised money to buy things for Caleb's House. As I was standing in the middle of Cite Soleil (the poorest and most dangerous place in the world) being harassed by a group of men, I received a heartbreaking text message. Normally, I would never take out my cell phone when I am in Cite Soleil, but for some reason I chose to do it yesterday. Cite Soleil is scary and upsetting as it is and it is not a place where you want to receive bad news as you do not want to be distracted. I glanced down at my phone though as I tried to keep it hidden in my pocket and saw that I had a missed call and a text message. I read the message. It was from my Dad explaining that my uncle had passed away that morning. My Uncle Mark was suffering from liver disease. He was in the hospital in London awaiting a transplant but his body became too weak and they had to remove him from the transplant list. Within a few days he developed an infection in his body and was unable to fight it. Uncle Mark was the most kind hearted man, always cared about his family, and had a great sense of humor. I wanted to cry, I wanted to just fall to the ground, but I couldn't, not there at least. As I was reading the message I had a guy in my face trying to make me buy things- sunglasses and some sort of bread. At that point I snapped and told him to go, I just wanted to be back home laying in my bed and crying into my pilow. Finally, my friend Brunache found us standing in the middle of the Cite Soleil bus station and picked us up. As soon as I got into the car he could tell something was wrong. I called my Dad as soon as the car door was shut and was finally able to break down and cry. I wanted to go home that very second. I wanted and still want to be with my family desperately. Its moments like these that make it so difficult to be so far away from home.

As I am sitting here at a beautiful hotel in Petioville enjoying a delicious breakfast and overlooking Port Au Prince and the surrounding mountains, I can't help but feel a sense of calmness. This is the side of Haiti that most people will never see. I am still wishing to be home and to be with my family, but I know I am meant to be here, I know my Uncle Mark is looking over me and I know he will always be with me even if I cannot make it home right now. Heaven definitely gained another angel yesterday. Praying for my family and praying that they will find love and strength during this difficult time. Love and miss you all.

Please also pray for Brandon, Seanna, and myself as we are heading into the heart of Cite Soleil this afternoon to find a boy that was being looked after by Seanna's friends who have been arrested and are stuck in Hatian jail. We are unsure if the boy has even had a meal in weeks. Hoping we can find him there !! This is going to be some adventure. Fingers crossed that we make it out alive !!

The Greatest Lessons of All..

In Haiti- in humanitarian crises, in war overseas, and some around kitchen tables back home- I have learned that attaining peace and changing things requires much more than just the realization that a change needs to occur. A positive change, a solid change, a change in which communities can flourish, can only occur when we ask ourselves and each other to be more than just aware. Change can only begin when action becomes present. As Ralph Waldo Emerson believed that action is essential: "Without it," Emerson wrote, "thought can never ripen into truth." If we want to change something, we must begin with understanding. And a good change, a meaningful change, a change in which we can enjoy the world and live with purpose can only occur if we decide to do more than just live for ourselves.

If Haiti has taught me anything, it is that there are some things- like civil society, like character, like a child's belief in the future- that cannot be changed overnight. Humanitarians, philanthropists, anthropologists, warriors, soliders, diplomats, and scholars all do best when we recognize the difference between what we can fight for, what we can change, and what we must simply accept, and what must be built over time, from within. I am nineteen, and I still sometimes believe that I can shape the world through service, but lately I have learned in Haiti that patience and acceptance are going to be a big part of this long journey.

This past week has been the most challenging yet. It has required more patience and acceptance than I thought I had in me. We have faced more obstacles than we could have ever imagined and even though things have been beyond stressful, we are learning and growing from each experience and each hardship. We have come to realize that we can't change everything and we can't help everyone. We have been without electricity or water for a week now. We are truly living the Haitian lifestyle. We also let our staff go, however, they refused to leave on the 18th like we had agreed on because they told us that their house is not finished being repaired yet. We agreed to let them stay until the 21st. When they finally decided to move out, Montanna and I happened to be at the beach with the kids. When we returned, we found the house empty. We now have no table, chairs, dishes, etc. This is nothing new. I expected that we would run into these problems because as bad as it sounds "this is Haiti". On top of that, Montanna and I are both sick with chest infections and possibly have parasites. Although we are exhausted, frustrated, hurt, and angry, we are managing and we are helping each other to stay positive. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger !!!! Haiti is definitely testing us, but we will not give in. We will pass these tests.

Growing up I always loved history, traveling, old music (Johnny Cash especially), and I always enjoyed interacting with people much older than myself. My entire life I had this great fear that my parents had made a terrible mistake and that I had been born at the wrong time, in the wrong era.
My second biggest fear was that I was not living a meaningful life. I had been told since pre-school that if I wanted to succeed in life that I had to graduate from a place called university. I was told over and over again that university was the place where I could pursue big dreams, it was the place where life began. So, I went to universtity. And just after a few weeks, I felt as if I had been lied to. When was I going to learn about how to live well? How to be a leader? How to make a difference? As I sat in a classroom filled with two hundred and fifty students, it disgusted me to see that everyone had a laptop on their desk, every one was wearing nice clothes, every one had big text books, everyone had unlimited access to any resources that they needed or desired. I couldn't help but to think back to my children in Ghana, my students, who were so eager to learn, but had nothing to learn from. We had no desks, no pencils, no chalkboards, no paper, no books. My children were orphans, which meant that they were consider the lowest and most devalued people in society. So with that being said, my school was given the left overs from other schools in the area. I still remember my first day of teaching and wondering how the heck I was going to teach the kids anything without the basic necessities required to teach a classroom full of young students. They stared up at me with their big beautiful brown eyes and I had nothing to offer them. It was a struggle at first, but then I realized that we learn so much more through human interactions then we do from sticking our noses in text books. Although I could not teach them all of the academics that we are taught back home, I could teach them more important lessons. I realized that I didn't need paper or pencils or desks. I had children staring at me, so desperate to gain knowledge, so intrigued by the "Obruni" standing in front of them. This is when I learned that adventure contains the best lessons in life. That the best way to learn is to immerse yourself into difficult situations and to step out of your comfort zone. I have learned the greatest lessons of all through traveling. I have learned how to live.

-Walking with my orphans in Ghana-

Right now I am surrounded by various noises- hammers pounding, kids crying, horns honking, and dogs barking. I am surrounded by chaos, yet, I find nothing but peace in my heart. I find a sense of calmness. My fear of living a meaningful life is gone. Living in Haiti is definitely a challenge. I have experienced extreme highs, and deep lows. But my life now has more meaning then ever before. I have the opportunity to improve the lives of others around me, of my children. I have the chance to open my heart completely, something that I was unable to do in Canada. Years ago, I wondered how the kids that flashed across my television screen lived, I wondered what they encountered daily, but I never could have imagined that I would one day be living among those children, let alone caring for them. The people who had once been anonymous in their suffering, are now my friends and my family.

What More Could I Ask For?

May 18th was Flag Day in Haiti. We had parades walk past our house and we all laughed and cheered for them. Although, we celebrated much more than just flag day on May 18th, we also celebrated the expansion to our family.

A man showed up at the front of the orphanage with a bag in one hand and a beautiful little girl in the other. We invited him in and we all sat on the front porch and chatted. He had traveled here from Port Au Prince, I still have no clue how he heard about our orphanage. Christine is six years old. Her mother passed away during the earthquake and her father can no longer care for her. At first we told him that we could not take her in as we had not finished the legal work for our current children. However, we could not say no. He stayed for about an hour to observe us with the children and to say goodbye to his daughter. Christine was very shy at the beginning, but that did not last long as she was laughing, playing, and being silly with our children within two hours. She is a constant chatter box and loves to come up behind us and tickle us. Although she is sweet and quite funny at times, it is obvious that she has not received much discipline and she is definitely going to be a handful, but we are more than happy to welcome her to our family.

Flag day definitely had its ups and downs. Although we opened our arms and hearts to a beautiful little girl, and we had electricity all day, of course, nothing can be perfect and we faced a few obstacles as well. Our staff was supposed to move out that day. But they refused to leave. They have told us that their new house is not finished yet so they have to stay for four more days. We had many heated arguments with them that day but we ended up allowing them to stay until Monday at the latest. Our cook continued to ask for her job back and we continued to explain to her that we cannot trust her and that she has been refusing to cook for the children. She is not a pleasant woman to argue with. It took awhile for us all too cool off and then I explained to her that we are going to continue paying for her daughters schooling and that we will give them $30 US a month to care for her as well. They seemed content with that. They finally began slowly moving things out today. We will see what Monday brings. Another downer was that our well ran out of water. We have not had water now for two days so we have had to go buy many bags of water and the children have been unable to shower. Good thing we took em to the beach today!!!!

Today has already been exhausting. We were all up and ready to go by 7am. Brandon brought with him soccer uniforms as well as soccer cleats for all of the children. We decided that we would make today a soccer day. We called them back into Brandon's room one by one and I helped them change into their new uniforms. They were so excited. Not only did the kids had uniforms, but the three of us had t-shirts with "coach" written across the back. We looked like an actual team in our new gear. Montanna and I decided that it would be much more fun if we took the kids to an actual field to play instead of the small area in front of our orphanage that is all gravel. We hired a tap tap, loaded the kids into the back, and we all took a ride down to a big field with actual nets!!! First we warmed up and then we made teams and the fun began. Brandon played goalie and Montanna and I split up and each joined a team. We played for awhile but the heat definitely got to us. We called the tap tap to return but the driver was now in Saint Marc. We had to walk home. The kids took us through back pathways and through fields filled with banana trees, goats, bulls, lizards, bridges, streams, and lots of rocks. It was definitely an interesting and very hot walk home. We decided to stop at the pastors house and take advantage of his private beach. The kids stripped out of their uniforms and ran towards the water. Montanna, Brandon, and I dove in as well. It was so refreshing. We spent a few hours splashing around and trying to teach the children to swim. When we decided to return home we were all dehydrated and sunburnt (well only the Blan's were sunburnt). To sum things up, we had a BLAST. We are all exhausted now and a few of the kids have drifted off to sleep on the front porch.

It is amazing watching our family become closer and stronger with each passing day (also bigger). These children are my life and my reason for being. I know I am where I am meant to be. I know this is what I am meant to be doing. Although my heart is full, it does not mean that I do not wish for my Canadian family to be here with me as well. There are many days that I wish I could just run through the door and give them all hugs and tell them all about my day or express my excitement about having a new child, or tell them about the funny things my kids did today. It makes it even harder when I get text messages from my Mom saying how much my little brother misses me and how sad he is. It hurts. Because I miss them too. Sometimes I find myself so busy and occupied here that I do not even have time to think about my life back in Canada. It usually hits me when I am laying in my bed and my mind finds itself reminiscing. There are many moments where something here reminds me of home and I feel that pang in my heart, the same pang that lead me here in the first place. I try not to think about it too much, as bad as it sounds, I can't, or else I find myself in tears and want to be isolated from what is going on around me, including my children. If I think about it for too long I will lose focus on what I am here to do. And that is something I cannot do.

As ironic as it is, as I was finishing the last sentence my phone rang, it was my Canadian family (my mom, step dad, and 2 little brothers). I spoke with my little brother, Liam, and his voice screamed with excitement as he told me he made the track and field team and that he also scored a goal in soccer. Its moments like this that make me miss them even more. Not being able to congratulate them or hug them for their accomplishments is definitely hard. My other little brother Dan also made the travel baseball team and I know how proud he must be, as I am just as proud or even more proud. It is also hard talking to my Mom, because there are so many days that I wish she were here to help me with my children or days that I desperately wish I could ask her for her advice when one of my babies are sick or hurt. I am still having problems sleeping at night, I have probably gotten five hours of sleep total in the past 2 nights. I have been stressed about our staff, I have been missing my loved ones back home, I have been overwhelmed with attaining the guardianship of my kids as well as overwhelmed with taking in a new child, I have been sick for the past few days, and I think cockroaches might also have something to do with my sleeping patterns. No matter how long I am here, I will NEVER get used to those things. They disgust me and scare the crap out of me!

I have just been informed this evening that my friend Seanna Mcleod is being detained in a Haitian jail for bringing a diabetic prisoner insulin. She will be in all of our prayers tonight. She has done great work in Haiti and she is a brave and courageous woman with a huge heart. Stay strong Seanna!!!

Right now, we are all hungry, and awaiting for dinner to be cooked, rice and salami. As I am sitting here, Norens is beside me banging on the lid of a container with one hand, playing on an elastic guitar with the other, and singing a song. He is the most musically talented child I have ever met. He can play the drums on anything and he is actually very impressive. He loves to sing and dance as well. I received his report card yesterday and he has all straight A's. As much as a little bugger he can be, he is very intelligent and quite entertaining at times. He has taken a lot of time to warm up to us, but this week he has definitely felt more comfortable as he now comes to me if he is hurt, grabs my hand while we are walking, and tries to play tricks on me like hiding in a dark room and jumping out at me as I walk by. I can't express enough how much I love being a mommy, it is the best feeling in the world. I find myself so protective of my kids already. I look forward to tomorrow, to next month, to next year, and to the next ten years as I know that our family will only continue to grow and become stronger.

For the longest time I kept waiting for life to get easier, more simple, and less complicated. I figured that if I waited long enough then everything would just fall into place for me. But now I have realized that maybe it doesn't get easier. Maybe you have to fight for things to "fall into place". I have realized that the struggles, the climb, the one obstacle after another... maybe that's what life is all about. I have realized that sometimes you have to be your own hero, no one else can save you, no one else can bring you happiness, only you have the power to do that for yourself. You hold your life in your hands, no one else. You've gotta chase your dreams, fight for them, do the unthinkable. Find your happiness. Because once you do.. then everything begins to "fall into place". Everything begins to feel perfect even with the struggles and obstacles. Sometimes you have to give good things up to find better things. I have finally found those "better" things. Those better things are my ten children who suffocate me with laughter, kisses, happiness, and most of all LOVE each and every day. What more could I ask for?

Have less. Do More. Be More.

It seems as if the struggles and frustrations are finally beginning to pay off. What we have been fighting so hard for since returning to Haiti is now within reach. On Tuesday we had an unexpected visit from Norens, Don, and Neika's father. He made the trip from Port Au Prince, and we had no idea he was coming. He had not visited the children in three years and the children were hesitant to visit with him. They hid behind us or in their bedroom for most of his stay. Although they were mad with him, as any child would be if they were neglected by their parent, after talking to him I realized his love and concern for his children. We talked for about an hour with the judge and I had a friend translate. The father was unable to feed the children or clothe them and he wanted them to have a good education which was another thing he could not provide. He told us that he cannot take the children home and asked if they could stay with us. His other concern was that we will send them back or abandoned them once they reach the age of eighteen. We assured him that we will continue caring for and assisting them throughout their lives if they need it. We want to make sure all of our children have a good education and a secure job. After an hour or two of discussions, their father signed a paper with the judge and granted us complete guardianship of all three children. As sorry as I felt for the father, I was also overcome with a sense of joy as I had officially just become the mother of three children. At moments I wanted to scream with excitement, at others I wanted to cry. It was overwhelming and a lot to take in.. but I knew it felt right. I still have to tell myself that I am not dreaming and that this is "real".

On top of the guardianship of the three children, I also had another unexpected visit from Wendel's uncle. I was informed that his mother had passed away and his father abandoned him after his mothers death. He also stated that he would like to sign over the guardianship of Wendel to us. We are meeting with the Judge on Saturday to complete the paperwork. I cannot even express how excited I am. Although I love ALL of my children, Wendel holds a special place in my heart. He is the smallest child, very lethargic, but he has a huge heart. He was the first one to call me Mamma. Every night Wendel falls asleep on my lap or in my arms. When I finally put him into bed he cries as I go to leave. I have to lay with him and hold his hand until he is passed out so I can quietly creep out of the room. He comes to me whenever he is sick or hurt. He is my baby.

Things are still difficult here as the staff are supposed to be moving out tomorrow. Everyone has been on edge, but we now have our first volunteer here to visit which has lightened things up !!! Brandon is going to be staying with us for a month and helping out around the orphanage. I think he will keep our mind off of the stresses and give us different perspectives on certain situations.

Today we spent all day at the beach with the kids as we attended a field trip for Norens, Elmine, and Christina. However, we felt guilty when the other children could not come so we decided to wait at the orphanage with them and hire a separate tap tap to bring the rest of the children too. We danced, sang, had a good meal, and then cooled off in the water. There were so many people there, the majority of course being children. Tomorrow is move out day for Herve and Marie Andre and also our laundry day !! - does not sound so exciting.

Through all of the challenges and frustrations, my eyes are being opened to a whole new world and way of living. Everyday I have spent in Haiti has been beautifully overwhelming; everywhere I look are human needs and brokenness on display, begging for someone to meet them, fix them. There is a growing population of children who need a soft place to rest their heads and meals to fill their bellies because either their parents have died or they are too poor to care for their children, or because they have been abandoned and left on the streets to fend for themselves. There is a need for basic education in matters of hygiene and sexual behaviour which could reduce disease and improve their day to day lives. I find it next to impossible to fall asleep at night. I think about these things as I lay in bed exhausted, devastated, and angry that people have been suffering like this while I had lived an extravagant life for the past nineteen years. Many of the people that have been suffering are my friends or my children. They are girls and boys that I know personally because I laugh with them when they are happy and dry their tears when they are sad, hurt, afraid, or sick. I feed them, give them their medications, and bandage their wounds. They are not anonymous, they are not statistics; they are people I care for and love, and I only want the best for them as any friend or parent would.

I didn't come to Haiti with a degree in education; I am not a nurse, or a teacher, and I am not a missionary. I had absolutely no idea what was involved with running an orphanage and frankly did not contain the business knowledge or organizational skills required to do so. I was in no way qualified. But I am here, and I am doing it. The biggest misconception is that you must be qualified in something to travel and to volunteer. However, you do not need a degree or a profession in anything. I have realized that the adventure is the best way to learn. All you need is a heart and a desire to help those in need. A degree is not required to show love or to pick up a child and hug them or tickle them as they burst into laughter. Although you may not think that something as simple as showing a child affection is enough, it is more then enough to them, and I can assure you that it will be the most rewarding thing you ever do. Here, the smallest gestures are appreciated. Here, the smallest gestures are the most rewarding. This is raw, but real life. This is what everyone needs to see and to feel. People back home feel sorry for themselves and rot away in their own sorrows, but they have no idea what people around the world are facing EVERYDAY. You may hate your life, while some people can only dream of having your life.

Well, I am suffocating from heat as I sit on the top bunk with Wendel fast asleep by my side (guess he got bored of watching me type) so I am going to put him to bed and then head to bed myself. Tomorrow is Flag Day in Haiti and the children do not have school. Should be a busy day!!!! Bon nuit Zanmi's.

The battles continue...

Lately, I just haven't had the energy or desire to write. I have been at a loss of words. My head is a blur right now, so many things spinning around inside. My life has become a balancing act. On one side, I am running a small non-profit organization and need amounts of money that seem unfathomable to me and also facing the frustation and struggles of the legal processes here in Haiti. On the other side, I am learning how to be a real mother, even if my motherhood is unconventional. Both aspects are testing me and allowing me to grow in amazing ways.

The last two weeks have consisted of many highs and severe lows. It has been a rollercoaster to say the least. I have been so exhausted, stressed, and overcome with emotions and feelings that I didn't even know I possessed. Every day is a constant battle right now between my head and my heart. I am trying to remember that although I need to get the legal things finished, I also need to slow down, take it easy, and focus on my children. Thank God Montanna and I both have a sense of humour and we are able to still laugh through all of the struggles.

I still find myself overwhelmed by the aid and assistance that Haiti is still in desperate need of. I took a moto ride through Cite Soleil the other day and it literally tore me apart, just as it did months ago when I first visited. I guess this time I had assumed that things had improved.. They had to have improved since my last trip... But they haven't. I can't seem to get the images out of my mind. When I begin to think about it, it makes me cry. The kids that I had gotten to know and love in Cite Soleil still remain there. Fighting every day to survive. It hurt me to see that they are still living and bathing in garbage and literally..shit. It was Montanna's first time in Cite Soleil.. She said out of all the crazy and dangerous things she has done throughout her travels.. Cite Soleil was definitely the worst. Cite Soleil is the poorest and dangerous place in the world.. & we decided to travel through it on a moto. The only thing we could think about while driving through was how easy it would be for someone to just shoot us. But.. We made it out alive. Broken hearted.. But alive.

If I had to summarize in one word my first few weeks in Haiti, it would be contradiction. The physical environment of Haiti is one huge paradox; amazing, breathtaking, and beautiful but consists of immense poverty and desolation. My life- especially my emotions- hang in the balance between absolutely loving my new life in Haiti and battling the bullshit politics, lonliness, exhaustion, and stress. Most of the people around me do not speak my language, nor do I speak theirs. This communication vacuum has created even more frustrations as I am unable to express to them my thoughts or feelings which makes it that much harder to build meaningful relationships. However, I am learning so much- everything from how to eat foods that I have never seen before to how to communicate through hand signals and facial expressions. My horizons are being expanded and my perspectives are changing everyday. In the midst of such a wonderful and invigorating experience I sometimes am overcome with pangs of missing the people who I love that are miles away. Especially when I get messages from my little brother telling me how much he misses & loves me and then tells me he's asking to come to Haiti for his birthday present. Its hard being torn between two lives; one in Canada with my family, and one in Haiti with my other family & my children. I have spent many nights curled up in a ball on the top of our bunk bed on my lumpy twin, sheetless mattress, sweltering in the dark, getting eaten alive b mosquito's.. and crying-- partly because I am overwhelmed and partly because I miss my family and my friends. Sometimes I cry because simply I am just exhausted.

I love my new life. It is wonderful in so many ways, but I would be lying if I said that I don't sometimes miss the comforts and the people of my old one. Sometimes I wish I could still go to the store and spend a ridiculous amount of money on a cute outfit. Sometimes I want to just lay on the couch and watch a movie with my mom. Sometimes I want to be able to jump in my car and drive around for hours listening to music and clearing my head like I used to do. Most days, I wish I could wake up under my down comforter in a house with air conditioning. Sometimes I just wish I could hang out with my little brothers eating junk food and laughing and annoying each other. Sometimes I want to spend hours upon hours talking with my best friends about life. I want to go to the gym; I want my hair to look nice; I want to be able to wear jeans; I want to be a normal teenager living in Canada...sometimes.

But I want other things more. All the time. I want to be spiritually and emotionally filled every day of my life. I want to be loved and cuddled by my children and never go a day without laughing. I want to wake up to a rooster's crow and open my eyes to see palm trees and breath taking mountains. I want to be challenged endlessly; I want to be learning and growing every minute of every day. I want to be taught by those I teach and I want to share my love with people who otherwise may not know of love. I want to work so hard that I end everyday filthy, sweaty, and too exhausted to move. I want to feel needed , important, and useful. I want to make some kind of difference, no matter how small. I want to follow my heart. I want to give my life away to serve others with each breath and each second. At the end of everyday, no matter how hard, I want to be right here in Haiti.

Opportunity's to make someone else's life better are far more attractive to me than the luxuries back home. The longer I am here the more I realize the fulfillment of seeing my kids smile always swallows my frustrations. No matter how many contradictions I struggle with, how difficult certain situations are, no matter how lonely I get, no matter how many tears I cry, one truth will remain firmly set in my heart; my kids are worth it. I am doing what I was created to do.

Uncertainity is what my life is based on now. The only thing I can do is believe that everything will work out and if its meant to be then it will be. Despite the obstacles, I feel a surprising level of comfort living here in Haiti. I feel like I was born to be here and in many ways, living here seems more natural than living in my home country. I have this unexplainable feeling that I am where I am made to be. Every day I get to wake up to nine beautiful children. I get to sing, dance, laugh, and play with them. I get to take them for ice cream, play hide n go seek, give them their medications, eat dinner with them, and the best of all, I get to cuddle with them and tuck them into bed. I know that no matter what hardships haiti throws my way, I am home.

We had to let our staff go, as we began to realize that it will be the only way to eliminate some of the problems that we have been encountering. They will be moving out May 18th and then it will just be Montanna and I left caring for our children. It is going to be hard, especially with the language barier, but I know we will manage and that it will only make us stronger and bring us closer together. Through the stress and struggles, we have been given an opportunity to build a new orphanage, a bigger orphanage, and a place that we can call our own. More details on this new and exciting project soon as we will be seeking volunteers to come help us build !!

Keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we continue to battle through the legal crap and also as we battle anything else that may be thrown our way. Weneed all of the support and encouragement we can get right now.

Love & miss all of my family & friends.

Ps- HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to the best mamma in the world. Thank you for always believing in me and encouraging me. I appreciate everything you have done for me as well as for your "grandbabies". We can't wait for you to come visit :) love you to the moon & back & missing you tons. Hope I can be half the mother that you are. Xoxoxo