Although my mind is boggled at the moment, my vision is still clear. This is still where I want to be and where I feel as if I need to be. Nothing will change that. I may however, just need a little break to get back to focus I haven't had time to think, to process, to question and to search for answers from what little I know from life. So no worries on that. I am attempting to take a step back from a few things and let go of others and take some time to myself to clear this blurry head of mine. This past week I have a felt like a train with tracks that have seem to be never-ending hitting bump after bump and I'm about ready to break down- emotionally and mentally. I have come to the conclusion that I can't always fix others problems and that I need to stop running myself dry attempting to do so. So from now on, I shall sit patiently when a problem is presented to me or when I feel these tugs at my heart, and wait it out, make sure it is what/how it seems to appear before I give my heart out. Thankfully I have Justin here to hold me up and keep me going and THANK GOD he has the same horrid sense of humour as I do. So this is the mental mess that I am going through in the midst of my amazing life here in the Caribbean.
On a lighter note, we had our past volunteer Brandon arrive in Haiti with his Mom, Sister, and Brother. They have come with funds and supplies to rebuild Tiny's house in the mountain- a project that I have been hoping to complete for awhile now. Today we headed to MSC in the morning bright and early and loaded up on some basic supplies, doors, hardware, and lumber. We are going to purchase the cement and blocks locally in Montrouis. After buying a few things, we decided we had better take a quick visit up to Montrouis so we can have a better idea for the plan. We spent the entire afternoon on the mountain digging to lay foundation and breaking down what remained of the old house. I always love visiting the family, his boys hold a special place in my heart. They always scream and jump at me when they see me and cling onto me the whole time I am there. It's moments like this that remind me that sometimes following your heart and giving trust to others is worth it. The worst part though about going up to visit Tiny's village is seeing all of the naked children covered in dirt with descending bellies that are full of worms. No matter how many times I see it- it is still just as difficult as the first time. I wish I could do more. It tears me up seeing children like this and knowing what they deserve or what lives they could have if they were in different circumstances- this is another thing I am constantly struggling with as well as deciphering what is a need and what is a luxury for them.
On the way home to Port Au Prince we discovered a new little beach and resting ground. It is our new secret little paradise surrounded by sparkling blue water and gorgeous mountain tops. We were absolutely covered in dirt and dust and probably other things that I do not wish to acknowledge and the water was so absolutely refreshing. Normally, I hate swimming in the ocean- but this place was way too beautiful not too and the water was just perfect. I could have stayed there for hours, however, after a quick ten minute dip we hoped back onto the taptap and were on our way again. We hit traffic and it seemed like we would never make it home. I slept most of the way on the taptap even though every bump we hit I'd either come close to falling out or I'd hit my head off the side. When we pulled up the house the only things I could think about were food and bed !!! Although, like per usual I was in for a surprise. Before I even got to the gate I had a mom from the tent city come running at me and pulling me by the hand. She had been waiting for me to return all day. A little girl- 10 years old- was running around outside and tripped and fell and split open her chin. She did a good number on it. She had done it earlier in the day and the mom had taken her to two different hospitals yet for some reason there was no doctor available to stitch her up? - TIH (this is Haiti). The hospital and stuck gauze in it which was a mess when trying to remove it to see what damage had been done. I laid her down, removed the disgusting and dirty gauze from her chin, and began to work. Luckily I had two assistant by my side. We were able to clean it properly, put some butterfly bandages on it, treat it with triple antibiotic ointment, cover it up well, and give her some pain meds to sleep. My main concern is infection- so I will definitely be checking up on her daily.
Tomorrow we are heading back up to Montrouis and are planning to spend a few nights at the old orphanage !!! Ahhhh will bring back lots of memories. Good and bad. But I am sooo excited to get this house finished for Tiny and the family. It is going to be a long and tiring week for sure, but if we get it finished in time and find an extra day or two on our hands then our volunteers have asked to take a trip up to Jacmel- one of my most favourite places in the world.. and a good place to clear your head :) So now I am going to make sure we work extra fast.
Today I have been feeling homesick in a sense- not to the point where I miss my country or home- but just missing my family and friends and wishing they were here with me. I am really missing my little brothers, my mom for her advice and telling me to just "suck it up princess", and for my dads awesome hugs. I'm missing all of the girls nights with my friends and laughing for hours on end and missing my best friend Brock who always brings me Dairy Queen whenever I am down as he knows anything with chocolate in it cheers me up (could really go for one right now). I have realized recently how much I have pushed my loved ones out of my life- not purposely- and not because I don't want them in my life or because I do not care about them (because I do a lot). I have have always been huge on family and friends. They were and still are my everything and my solid ground - but I believe I have been doing this because it is my defence mechanism for protecting myself. I have been selfish and ignoring messages or avoiding calling back home even when I really want to talk to family or friends- just for the simple fact that it hurts me and that its easier not knowing things and not hearing from certain people. It's difficult living here and I am always missing everyone back home, and it's even more difficult talking to everyone or hearing something is going on with a loved one and I am unable to be there as a shoulder to lean on. I have subconsciously been pushing everyone slowly aside so that I do not have to deal with the sense of loss. It's easier. It sounds horrible, and it is, but it's difficult to stay focused here if my mind is constantly drifting back home. I want those who I have done this to to know that it is not something I have meant to do or want to do and that I do think of you CONSTANTLY- even though it may seem as if I don't. And that I am from this day forward going to work on changing that. It's funny caring for these children. Although many seem the need to point out that they are not "mine"- which I am clearly aware of, I love them and care for them as my own. I made a vow coming here that I would do anything and everything I could to help these kids- that means they come first. Always. And I think that I have pushed people away due to the fact that I want to make sure that they remain my focus and nothing strays me from them.
Anyways, Lilly is wound for sound and not wanting to lay down and go to sleep. She has been improving wonderfully and no longer growls at everyone that passes her by (only a select few). It's the best feeling walking into a room and seeing her face light up and watch her little feet scurry towards me with open arms. She came into my life at the perfect time. She is able to fill my heart completely just as my other children do. After I wrestle with this little one to get to bed, its then onto to Tyson, then all of us are going to spend the evening watching Patch Adams - one of my all time favourite movies and then HOPEFULLY sleep and get a good rest so we can work hard tomorrow.
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