Be Strong. Show Courage. Breathe. Excel. Love. Lead..

Haiti. Most people cringe when I tell them I'm living here. I've even had people actually take a step back from me. Like they can get AIDS just by hearing the word. And like many people, I thought of Haiti as an impoverished, AIDS ridden, crime filled country. I've spent the past 6 months since my invitation learning what's true, what's not, and gained a whole new perspective on Haiti, it's people, and it's culture. I have learned that we are far more similar than different. This is inclusive of our problems no matter where I have traveled, it seems that there is always a power struggle between business interests, governments, and the poor. There are many things in Haiti that are difficult for me to understand like why people have cell phones and minutes to talk, yet they are begging for money on the streets to fill their bellies. Or why people buy fancy cars and nice clothes when they could be helping their people or even helping themselves. But I have now learned that in Haiti, pride is everything. Without pride, you have nothing. People would rather go hungry then to look as if they cannot afford the finer things in life. This is a sad truth and what I find the most challenging thing to comprehend.

Many have commented on how brave I am to go on this journey alone. But believe me, if you saw how many times I've cried with my pillow covering my face to muffle the sound, you'd know I am not. The people who live in this part of the world and face daily hardships are the ones who are brave. The people who gather food and water for their families despite the distance they have to walk and despite the exhaustion and the dangers that they face are brave. The men and women all over this world who stand up against unjust governments, corruption, and injustices are the brave ones. The woman who have come to me that have been raped, beaten, and left in the shadows, yet still stand tall with pride and strength are the brave ones. The children who have been living on the streets or that are restaveks yet still smile and hold your hand as you pass them on the streets are the brave ones. Although it rips the heart out of my chest, it is a humbling and inspiring experience to hear their stories and each day I am more and more amazed by people who happen to cross my path. I struggle with taking photographs some days. I want to capture their portraits, to share what I have seen with others. Few Canadians had seen this: Strong people. Survivors. Soldiers. Steadfast. I know that these people aren't perfect, and that it is foolish to cast someone as saintly simply because they have suffered. These people might also be trivial and jealous and mean and small. But the enormity of their achievement has outweighed their human faults. These people have suffered more than I could ever imagine, and they were willing to welcome me, to talk with me. After all the betrayal they have lived through, all of the corruption, all of the hardships, they were still willing to trust a stranger. I had seen it before in Ghana and especially in Haiti where courageous people found ways to live with compassion in the midst of the most tremendous hardships. Across the globe, even in the world's "worst" places, people have found ways to turn pain into wisdom and suffering into strength. They made their own actions, their very lives, into a memorial that honored the people they had lost. If people can live through a disaster and traumatic event like the earthquake and retain compassion, if they can take strength from pain, if they are able, still, to laugh, then certainly we can learn something from then. The world is full of stories of courage, too infrequently told. Many people risked their lives to run into falling buildings to save others and many cared for the injured or orphaned. There were people, for example, who offered shelters and food to neighbors and friends who had lost everything. I have heard many stories of courage, many versions of Paul Rusesabagina and Hotel Rwanda, where people cared for strangers and offered protection, comfort, and love during a catastrophic event. These stories are the stories that need to be heard.

Over the course of this year my dreams have changed. I have changed. Almost everyone is asking, "what's next?" After being so goal-oriented most of my life, it feels strange to say this, but I have absolutely no idea ... and I am perfectly OK with that. Instead of trying to prove myself to the world, this year has really been about what the world has to teach me. I am slowly learning that I can't pin all my hopes of happiness to one thing, whether that be a certain job, a boyfriend, or the number of highlighted hairs on my head. Regardless of what the future holds, my current recipe for fulfillment is to appreciate the gifts I have in my life right now and stay true to myself. This may sound crass, but I care a lot less about what other people think. I've always struggled with being sensitive and tried to develop thicker skin. My skin is no different now, it's just that what lies beneath is a lot stronger.

I often think of the many well-intentioned discussions I'd had in university classrooms, about cultural sensitivity and cultural awareness, and I could imagine some of my classmates rolling their eyes if they heard aid workers/volunteers pray, "Lord, please help these Haitians". But the fact is that none of those classroom conversations ever saved a life, while committed volunteers were weighing infants in slings every day and providing food to lactating mothers, while people were risking their lives to save those that have been neglected, enslaved, orphaned, and abused, we sat in a classroom expecting to learn all of the great lessons in life from a professor standing in front of us. Although we were taught about issues going on around our world such as the conflict in the middle east, the corruption and injustices with governmental systems, the drought in Kenya, the tsunami in Japan, the earthquake in Haiti- instead of witnessing these events or being present during these struggles and offering the aid that was so greatly needed, we sat in the classrooms merely listening to someone else read from a textbook about other peoples despairs and traumatic experiences while we went about our daily lives, over-consuming, and indulging in our luxurious privileges of North American life . I have always said that a lot of the international aid that I have witnessed is not always helpful as it could be, and some of it is even harmful. The world, however, would be a darker and colder place without it. Whatever the flaws, they are attempting to change lives and to become a part of this struggle rather than sitting back and listening to or reading others stories, nothing is more important than that. For what is thought without action?

I was not- as many were in Haiti- an academic researcher bedecked with degrees. I was not an anthropologist. I was not a social worker. I was not a nurse or a doctor. With only two years of studying criminology and sociology, and spending the past year volunteering under my nineteen year old belt, I was an expert at nothing. My inexperience, however, had a double edge. Although I was unaware of some of the basic facts of the relief efforts in Haiti- it provided the perfect opportunity to absorb the things around me and learn from others. This experience has offered me the best lessons in life as well as the best gifts. I cannot help but look at my children singing and dancing to Justin Bieber and smile. These children have experienced many hardships yet they are still able to smile, dance, play, and laugh.. and I realize how truly blessed I am to have all of these little hands tugging at my heart. Forget Jersey Shore, the Bachelorette, or the Kardashians. This IS reality.

A Special Thanks...

People who want to make a difference in this world usually do it, in one way or another, no matter how big or small that difference may seem. And I've noticed something about these types of people, they tend to stand out in the crowd. They are the ones who tend to be more sensitive to certain situations, too trusting at times as they believe in the best of people, and often too giving to those who are not always appreciative. They hold the unshakable conviction that every individual is extremely important, that every life matters. They get excited over one smile, one thank you. They are willing to feed one stomach, educate one mind, treat one wound, and touch one heart. They are not determined to change the entire world at once; They are satisfied with small changes. However overtime, these small changes add up. Sometimes they even transform cities and countries, and yes, the world.

People who want to make a difference get frustrated, stressed out, and fed up along the way. But no matter what obstacle they are faced with, they don't quit. They just keep going. Given their successes, most of them are shockingly normal. They are just your ordinary day to day people going about their lives and seeking the same things as everyone else; happiness and satisfaction. They do not teach grand lessons that suddenly enlighten entire communities; they teach small lessons that can inspire and touch one man or woman, boy or girl. They do not do anything to seek attention, they simply pay attention to the every day needs that are at hand. They seem to be able to look past peoples imperfections and they understand that EVERYONE deserves second chances. They bring change in ways that most people will never read about or applaud, and they are content with that. And because of the way that these people are built, they wouldn't think of living their lives in any other way.

This realization came to me on my first trip to Ghana and has been with me ever since. It has followed me on all of my journeys as I have encountered numerous people who fit this description perfectly. These people have all given me a piece of themselves to me- they have taught me some of the greatest lessons that could ever be taught. Not all of these people traveled around the globe, not all of these people fed or held a starving or sick child, they are just ordinary people, people who do not get the recognition that they deserve. They are high school teachers, friends, family members, and role models that inspire you in simple, and yet sometimes very big ways. Without these people that have truly touched my heart and my life, I would not be where I am at today.

It is true; I cannot think of living my life in any other way. Through the hurricanes, the governmental obstacles, the illnesses, the filth, and the day to day struggles, I have never once regretted my decision to give up my past life, a life of luxury and perfection, for this new life that I have so fortunately been blessed with. The struggles are what keep things exciting. They really test your will and your strength. Last year, if I were to sit down and picture my future, I never would have imagined that I would be living the way I am now. I never would have been able to imagine that I would be able to overcome all of the obstacles that I have in these past few months. Yes, of course there are times when I wake up in the morning and ask myself "What the heck am I doing", and sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure that this is all real. But as much as it is trying and difficult, I love it and would not change it for the world.

In Canada I followed society's standards and what they deemed as 'normal' and 'acceptable'. I finished high school, I went to University, I juggled two jobs at once trying to save money and pay bills, I had a beat up rusty sunfire that I loved, I moved out on my own, I loved and had my heart broken, I played sports, and I partied. And although all of this seems great (and don't get me wrong, it was). I felt as if something was missing. I got tired of the same thing day in and day out. I felt as if my body was present but my soul had vanished. After my experiences in Ghana, after a living a life of purpose for the short month that I did, I couldn't seem to go back to a life full of wasted time. I wanted to be doing more. I didn't want to sit on a bar stool or in a classroom any longer. I wanted adventure, I wanted the passion that I had once felt when I was in Ghana. I had wonderful, supportive parents who so desired my success that they would have paid for me to go to university anywhere that my heart desired. But after two years of studying, my heart desired other things.

And the fact that my heart desired these "other things", it began to interfere with the plans I once had for myself and certainly with the plans that others had for me. My heart had been captured by a great passion, a passion that compelled me to live differently, a passion to help others, even if that meant risking my own life. I think its hard for some people to understand my willingness to give up everything and live in a country which contains a great deal of poverty and dangers. But I guess I have chosen to risk my own life so that I can feel alive. I feel alive here.

Everyone constantly asks me "Why Haiti" and honestly, I wish I could explain it. But I can't. It's just... Haiti. It is where my heart has lead me. How else can I explain that ? Maybe it was a greater force that pulled me here, maybe I don't even realize or understand why exactly I am here, but I am. And this is where I want to be. I know this. The people here have become my family, they have become my friends. People with nothing, people who have lost everything, they have touched my life in so many ways and inspired me to continue on my journey.

This blog post however, isn't about me. This blog post is about everyone else. Everyone who has walked in to my life, and even the ones who have walked out of it. It is to all of my dedicated fundraisers who have put their valuable time into helping me and these children, it is to my family that has continued to support all of my crazy ideas and passions, it is to my friends who don't exactly understand why I am here but still love me and will be waiting for me with a cold beer when I return home for visits, it is to the volunteers that have given up a part of their summers to come and help me out, it is to the people of Haiti that have given me more then I could ever give them, it is to the people who have hurt me for making me stronger, it is to the people who continuously challenge me (yes including the government) for showing me how truly determined I am, it is to the people around the world that I have never even met- yet they have sent donations or letters expressing their support, it is to the people that have stood by me even when I was unsure of things myself, and it is to the people who fit the description at the beginning of this post who have inspired me in so many ways and have taught me (and continue to teach me) the greatest lessons that I have ever been taught. Without all of you, I would not be "alive". You know exactly who you are, and I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for allowing me to live out this passion and this dream.

A special thanks to Justin Parkinson & Julia Monk for hosting a Charity Dinner on October 11th. They have put so much time and effort into this and I already know it is going to be fabulous!!! I wish I could be there to celebrate with you. & Julia- thank you for painting such a beautiful portrait- you have true talent. Also, a special thanks to Mary Thompson and Rachel Mattsson for hosting another online auction- you guys have worked so hard in collecting items, organizing, and spreading the word. And finally thanks goes out to Sarah Griffith from Bridge2Haiti for her ongoing support and guidance- you are an amazing women with a heart of gold- I am so honored to have you with me on this journey. Love to all of you !

Survive Now, Cry Later....

These past three weeks have literally been like an ongoing film jam packed full of action. It first began when I arrived in Port Au Prince on July 2nd. I began to feel sick and I developed a harsh cough that ended up leading me to cough up blood, pass out, and to become so weak that I lost the strength in my entire body. It hit me like a tidal wave. I hopped onto a moto during the evening of July 4th and headed to the Medishare hospital. It was dark and dusty and I barely remember the ride as I was going in and out of consciousness; I was barely able to keep my grip on the moto. The moto was stopped at a police checkpoint and the officers kept looking at me and trying to talk to me, I'm still not sure if they were hitting on me or if they suspected that I was on some sort of drugs due to the fact that I could not keep my eyes open and I didn't have the strength to open my mouth to talk. Finally I arrived at the hospital and was sent for a chest x-ray. As I entered the x-ray room, I lost all strength and fell and hit my head hard against the wall. After the x-ray they sat me down in a chair facing the road and I was still going in and out of consciousness when I noticed my friend standing at the gate with his co-workers and in his uniform. They would not let him through the gate to come and see me. Although he was on duty that night, he stood at the gate for two hours with his co-workers waiting for my test results and making sure that I was okay.

Finally the doctors diagnosed me with Pneumonia and sent me home with a small bag of Antibiotic pills and was told to return in a week for a check up. That night I did not sleep as I was having difficulties breathing. The next evening at dinner I felt so sick and so weak that I once again called a moto and rushed to Hopital Espoir- a hospital that I had worked at for two months during one of my previous trips to Haiti. I was brought into the ER and they began doing test right away. My cough became so bad that I could not breathe. They put an oxygen mask over my face and immediately hooked me up to an IV. The last thing that I remember was seeing my friend once again rush through the hospital doors and holding my hand as I received two needles (I am terrified of needles). The next thing I remember was waking up in the hospital room and being frozen from the air conditioning. What I thought was going to be a one night stay turned out to be a six day stay. Thankfully I was fortunate enough to have a private room (with a private washroom), an excellent staff who literally kept their eyes on me 24/7, and a great friend who was my "responsible" during my stay. I had many tests done and was loaded with meds every two hours. I completely lost my appetite and did not eat for four days. On the third day my breathing suffered once again and the nurses rushed in the room with another oxygen mask. I honestly remember looking up at the ceiling and thinking "this is it" and praying to God that it wasn't. I woke up three hours later soaking wet from a broken fever. Sometimes my fever became so high that I actually became delirious and started having conversations with people who were not even there.

On top of everything that I was facing that day, I received a call from UNICEF who not only told me that they would be closing my orphanage and taking my kids away, but also threatened to arrest me and to have me deported from Haiti. I was told that as soon as I step foot out of that hospital that the authorities would be after me. I had no idea what was going on and I became so overcome with shock and emotions that I once again started having problems breathing. I felt as if my heart had literally been ripped out of my chest. The lady on the phone did not let me get a word in, I could not ask questions, and I could not inform her that she had her facts wrong. I did not sleep that night, instead, I spent the entire night calling and texting everyone that I possibly could to help me and my babies. I could not bare the thought of losing the children I had grown to love. I was angry. I called my lawyer immediately and he came straight to the hospital to talk with me. After that, I was visited by a man from the Canadian Embassy who told me that the Haitian Police had been looking for me. I began to panic even more. But he assured me that I would not be arrested and that I would not be deported from the country. I still could not help it, I can't even express the emotions that overcame me. The tears would just not stop flowing. My heart had never hurt so much. I still had no idea what exactly was going on or what had happened, all I knew was that I came to Haiti to do good, solely good, I came here to care for and to love children who desperately needed any affection that they could get. I didn't know what I could do or say to fix this, I was stuck in the hospital and unable to be at the orphanage to protect my kids, my only option was to leave it in Gods hands.

Finally, I had some answers. My lawyer met with the Haitian authorities and it seems as if there had been a HUGE miscommunication. UNICEF had sent out an alert to the Haitian Government stating that my children were in EXTREME danger. They had cars with flashing lights ready to go and pick up my kids. They had been told that the children had been left alone while I was in the hospital, not realizing that Montanna had been staying and caring for them. So.. When UNICEF and the Haitian authorities arrived at the orphanage the next morning, they did not quite understand why such an alert was put out since our children appeared to be well taken care of and not in any sort of danger. They told us that they want to work with us and help us out to obtain the legal paperwork that we have been trying to have completed for the past two months.

On Monday, July 9th, I demanded to be discharged from the hospital so that I could surprise my mother at the airport that afternoon. I had been texting her all day telling her how frustrated I was that they would be keeping me until Wednesday when my test results were in. With weak legs, sore arms from IV's, and a very tired and heavy head on my shoulders, I marched out of the hospital leaning on my friend who had stood at my bedside for my entire stay at the hospital, who ran all over port au prince searching for my prescriptions, and who showed up everyday with gatorade, milkshakes, and even M&M's and who spoon fed me when I did not have the strength to feed myself.

I was granted access to go all of the way inside of the airport to wait for my mother at the luggage claim. I hid behind a sign and when I spotted her I jumped out and surprised her. I was so glad that she had come to visit and it made me feel better just by having her here. I was very sad to see her go after such a short stay- a week just didn't seem long enough; however, I am so happy that she was finally able to meet my babies.

Last week I received a call while I was in Port Au Prince informing me that our security guards house had been destroyed in the storm. Tiny is not just my security guard though; he has become a great friend and almost like a father to me. I love his family and all of his six children. I was sadden to hear this news as they did not have much to begin with. His small house on the top of the mountain was literally completely destroyed while his 15th month old son remained inside. We have opened our arms to his family and have allowed them to sleep at the already crowded house with us. We feed his children and wife almost everyday and we have given them some clothes, toys, and hygiene packages to keep them going. We are in search right now for a building team to come down and assist in rebuilding his small home as he does not have the funds to do so. If anyone is interested in donating to him please visit our website at www.himeforhelp.org and click "donate"- make sure to add in the comment box that it is for "Tiny's House Project". Thank you !

Although these last few weeks have literally been the most difficult and trying weeks of my life, there is something even greater than having the police after me, being threatened to be deported, being sick in the hospital, and even having authorities threaten to shut my orphanage down that is weighing on my heart. On Saturday morning as Montanna and I stood at the bus station in Cite Soleil waiting for our ride, a mother ran past us holding her grown child (about 10 or 11 years old). At first we thought he was just sleeping, but after a closer glance, we noticed that his feet were dragging on the ground. We realized he was more than sleeping. There was something seriously wrong. A man that I have become friends with at the bus station ran over to the woman and assisted her with carrying her son. He ran through the crowds and I was trying my best to see what was happening but after seeing the boys neck go limp, I lost site. My friend came back towards us and I asked him what was wrong with the boy and he told me that the boy had been possessed by voodoo and that his mother was bringing him to Saint Marc. I became furious, I wanted to shake the mother and tell her to get him to the hospital NOW, but I couldn't. I couldn't see her or the boy anymore and I had no idea what bus they had gotten on. I began to panic. All I could think about was how badly that boy needed medical attention. If he was not dead already, he would be by the time he got to Saint Marc. all I can think about now is that if I would have just stepped up and assisted the mother when I noticed her son's feet dragging on the ground, I could have possibly saved him, or at least attempted to save him. I thought that I had become desensitized to these types of situations after encountering so many of them here in Haiti, but now I realize that it is impossible to do so. I am a human being. My heart is aching so badly for that little boy and his mother as well as for the two other men's bodies I had passed on the side of the road the same week (one was that very same morning). Everyone tells me that I cannot save everyone, but it does not make it any easier when you know you could have at least tried. My insomnia has been reactivated and I have many moments where my eyes fill with tears. If only I could turn back the clock.

Right now we are still desperately searching for another house to rent since the Haitian Government did not desire us moving to Tabarre like we had planned. The house we are currently in is beyond unsanitary and has developed a great deal of mold. Right now we have two children that are sick, one of them being Christine who had a fever of 103 last night. Thankfully we have her on antibiotics and we were are working hard to keep her fever down. I am hoping and praying that we can find something soon.

Through these past three weeks I have had so many people tell me "maybe this is a sign em, maybe it's time for you to come home". And to be honest, I have thought a lot about that lately. I have thought about just giving it all up and returning home. I have thought about how much easier that would be and how much I am missing the comforts of home and my family and friends. But.. I have to keep reminding myself that this is also my family now. I can't just give up on them, I have vowed to never leave any of my family members behind. If I leave now, it would be the most selfish decision that I could ever make. To simply leave when things get tough. I know that I was born to do this, this is what God has asked me to do, this is why I wake up at the crack of dawn every morning at the sound of the roosters crow. This is why I endure heat rash, bug bites, ringworm, being covered in dirt and dust 24/7, illnesses, muscles so sore and tired that they feel like needles. And I have learned that through all of this, life is a lot like the ocean. Sometimes you get caught in the undertow and you have to use all of your strength and all of your faith to keep your head above the water, to keep you from sinking. As soon as you let go, your life is over. You don't get another chance. You have to keep fighting to keep your head above that water.. because you never know what could be over that next wave. And I truly believe that if you have faith, anything is possible, anything at all. But most of all, the greatest lesson that I have learned is that there is something much stronger then tidal waves that destroy lives, stronger than winds that blow away homes, stronger than rains that wash away one's only belongings, and stronger than earthquakes that allow one's world to fall to the ground around them and leaving them standing among the rubble... it's called love. And it is the most powerful thing in the world. Without the love of my friends, family, and children, I don't know if I would have been able to make it through these past three weeks. I know that God has a plan for me. I know that this is all part of His plan. I know that these trials are a test of my strength and determination. I know that this is one of the greatest learning experiences I may ever encounter. I have learned that I trust others way too easily. I have learned that the people you trust the most- may be the ones that you should trust the least. I have realized that the people who have forsaken me are merely desperate and possibly uneducated and were never taught proper morals or how to carry themselves. How can I hold them responsible when they have been stripped of life's most basic lessons? I can only hope that these people begin to realize that when we forsake others...we are actually forsaking ourselves. And although things have been tough, I would not change a thing. Because then I wouldn't have this chance or this opportunity, in front of all of you, to chase a dream, to show you that impossible possible, to show you how you can achieve anything that your heart desires, and to embrace more people then I ever could have before. I know that I must take everything I can from this and keep pushing onward. I know that I cannot give up.

Big thanks to my lawyer (Robert), Alison Thompson (my rock), Barbara Guillame (our new Haitian Director), Brunache (my amazing friend), my mother (for dropping everything and coming to visit when I needed her the most), Montanna Butler (for staying with the kids while I was in the hospital), Bill Farrar from Fountains of Hope (for continuing to encourage me and for helping me in any possible way that he can). And most of all my kids, who can bring a smile to my face even on the hardest day. Love you all !

"First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, and then you win" - Mahatma Gan

One Love, One Life

Recently a friend said to me "I don't think you thought all this through... I thought you were going to Haiti to help the children, not commit to taking care of them until they are an adult? That's a huge commitment Em..I think we both now you simply wanted to do something GOOD opposed to rotting away in this sh**ty town"

This message really made me think about my decision. It allowed me to weigh the negatives and positives of my situation. My back aches from the moto rides and sleeping on a crappy bed, every day I feel disgusting because I am covered in dirt and sweat, my stomach hurts either from constipation or from diarrhea (there's no happy median), I eat the same food almost everyday- spaghetti and chicken and rice, I encounter cockroaches, spiders, and many other interesting creatures daily, I do not have electricity or running water, I have to shower with a small bucket and share a small bathroom with 15 people (you can imagine what that bathroom looks like and smells like with nine children running in and out), I have to deal with corruption and people constantly trying to rip off the "blan", I get furious because starving people would rather buy minutes for their cell phone then food to fill their bellies, I hate the fact that some Haitians do not have the most basic education because they cannot afford to go to school, I am sick of every Haitian man making kissing noises as I walk by or telling me "it was love at first sight", I am tired because I do not sleep at night due to the mosquito's, heat, and noise, I have become content with the fact that not many men will want to be with a woman who has nine children and who lives in a third world country, I am pissed off at the parents who are so willing to give up their children because if they don't have to pay for their school it means they have more money in their pocket for themselves, It drives me crazy when I see kids playing with condoms on the street or ripping of the rims and wearing them as bracelets, I worry everyday that something will happen to one of my children or that they will become ill, my life is full of chaos and uncertainty.

However, my life is also now full of love, joy, happiness, and simplicity. These children have stolen my heart- actually- Haiti as a whole has stolen my heart and I am afraid it will never give it back. In Haiti, I find purpose. I find a reason to live and to fight for what I believe in every day. I can be myself here and give out all of the love that my heart has to offer, because people here actually need that love and most of all- they want that love. Yes my life is chaotic and frustrating, but that is all wiped away when a child who has endured so much suffering looks up at me and smiles, or when I am walking down the street and they run up and grab my hand. I love the fact that in Haiti, you can be absolutely ridiculous- you can dance and you can sing in the streets, in a tap tap, or even in the middle of a market- and instead of people saying "wow, what is wrong with that person, they should be in a mental hospital", they will actually join in and cheer you on. The Haitian people are so resilient and strong. They have so much talent and so much potential. Haiti is beautiful. In Haiti I feel needed, I feel that this is where I am meant to be, this is what I am meant to be doing. Yes, there are so many struggles and obstacles, yes, my life is harder than it has ever been, and yes some days I break down and cry and I am ready to give up and return home, but to be honest, I am also happier than I have ever been. I spent my life watching, from a distance.. Behind tinted glass. And you know what.. I just couldn't do it anymore. So I stepped out and the most amazing thing happened. And suddenly, right in front of me, was reality.

It enlightens me to see children so eager to learn and so passionate about school and church. It's the simple things here that bring the biggest smiles to my face- like water gun fights on the beach, playing soccer with the boys, teasing my older girls about boyfriends, dancing and singing, giving endless amounts of piggy backs, having one of my babies tell me that they love me or that I am beautiful, having one of the kids fall asleep in my arms or across my lap, but the most rewarding thing is just watching them- seeing them be so happy with such little, seeing them laugh and play even though they have endured so much pain. I think to myself "if they can do it, if they have endured this their entire lives + more, then there is no reason that I cannot do it as well". Haiti has given me a deeper passion and understanding for humankind. Here, things are so different- there is no bullshit- just real life problems. It is all about survival and helping each other. It is a completely different lifestyle. And I absolutely love it. I will always care for these children.. that was my intentions coming here, not to care for them for only a year or two then abandon them just like the rest of their parents/family has done. How would that be helping them at all? The uncertainty in my life makes every day that much more interesting. On the tough days I just look around at my children, my family, and friends in Haiti, and remind myself that I have no reason not to smile. I have met the most amazing people who carry the biggest hearts and most giving hands. I want to spend the rest of my life serving these people and helping to better their lives.. even if that means sacrificing my own. They are worth it. My children are worth it. If you want to find the meaning in your life, come to Haiti. I didn't simply come to Haiti to escape my "sh*tty" town, I didn't come here to help these children temporarily, I came here to raise these children and to provide them with the best life that I possibly can. Most of all, I came here to once again feel alive and to do something I have dreamed of since I was a little girl. I don't know how long I will be here, I don't know what my future holds. Right now each day is a gift to me and I am living my life one day at a time. I have endured some harsh trials that have nearly broke me, but in totality they have allowed me to grow and become a much stronger woman. They have made me feel as if I can overcome anything I want to. For the longest time I was living a selfish life- it was all about me. Volunteering has made me realize how much better life is when it is no longer about yourself, but about everyone else. All of my experiences have allowed me to grow up and to appreaciate the things I once took for granted.

Yesterday was a great day. My hero, my inspiration, my dear friend, and someone who has continuously onmotivated and encouraged me throughout this journey, came to visit us at the orphanage. Alison Thompson is filmmaker, an author, a volunteerism and woman's empowerment advocate, and she is the most courageous and bravest woman that I know. We had a blast with her. We loaded the kids into the back of a tap tap and headed to the beach. We had water gun fights, played frisbee and soccer, and soaked up the sun and the beautiful scenery. I was so glad to have our two newest volunteers with us (Brooke Kivell and Madison Nelmes) so that they had the opportunity to meet this amazing woman as well.

On Monday, Brooke, Madison, and I will be making the move to Tabarre to the new house that we will be renting for the summer until we are able to find something more permanent. We are all excited and desperately needing a fresh start. We are going ahead of the children to prepare the house and also so I can take the girls around Port Au Prince and bring them to places that I also used to volunteer at. I am excited to share with them the experiences that changed my life and allowed me to fall in love with Haiti. I can only hope that Haiti gives to them as much that it has given to me.

Every day I am learning more and more and realizing how precious life truly is. I can't express enough how important it is to live it to the fullest and how important it is to do what you think you cannot do and to take that leap towards happiness. You've got one life. No else can live it for you. I can honestly say that if I were to die today, I would be content with that. I have had an amazing life full of great experiences and wonderful people and I have now done what I thought I could not do. I can only hope that I have many more years to continue accomplishing even more of my goals and to meet even more wonderful people that inspire me.

Sending my love back home. You are all in my heart. I wish every day that you were here to experience and feel what I am feeling. If I had one wish, it would be to get all your butts on a plane to Haiti to experience "real" life.
xoxoxo

Meetings, Meetings, & More Meetings

The past week has been absolute chaos. I began the week with a trip to Port Au Prince last Tuesday. I had a meeting with some government officials in regards to registering the orphanage and obtaining permanent residency. From there, I headed to Cap Haitian. I knew it was going to be a long drive, however, the 7 hour drive turned into a 9 1/2 hour drive due to a road block that made us take a detour through the mountains and voodoo villages. This wouldn't have been so bad if our truck had proper shocks and if the roads were paved. Let's just say I was a hurting unit after that trip and the three men I was traveling with sure got a kick out of it when I was crying in pain and asking them to stop and get me duck tape so I could tape down my boobs!! So, we finally arrived in Cap Haitian but we were all so tired from the drive that we had to post pone the meeting until Friday. We drove to Ouanaminthe (its about an hour from Cap Haitian) and we met with the organization called FEMAD. They have been sending children to school and helping their community for many years, however, since the earthquake they have been having financial problems and had to quit the sponsorships. They have a huge office, a medical clinic, and a big piece of land. They had many plans to build on the land but since they do not have the money to build, the land has just been sitting there. They said that if I am willing to help them and their community then they would allow me to have the land. I agreed we could partner and we decided to keep my organization name "Hime For Help" and I will simply add them under my organization. On Saturday they took me to the land and took me around to meet some of the children. I was introduced to two babies: 1. Stephanie- 4 months old - her mother died a week before I met her. 2. Christela- 6 months- her parents have abandonded her. They asked if I would be willing to take them into the orphanage. Of course, my heart could not turn them away. But, I made an agreement that I will only take them once I have a new house since ours is not big enough and once they complete the paper work for me to take her. Hopefully the girls will be joining us in July !!!



The trip to Ouanaminthe was successful. Due to the meetings being pushed back I had to try and rush back to Port Au Prince for my second meeting with Convoy of Hope. On our drive back from Ouanaminthe to Cap Haitian we stopped on the side of the road to get something to eat. The guys ordered me my food and we all sat in the truck and stuffed our faces. After I took a few bites they all started laughing and asked if I thought it was good. I said "yeah it tastes like every other goat I've eaten". They then informed me that it was not goat. They had tricked me into eating horse. I was so mad and disgusted. I definitely lost my appetite after that !!! Gotta love hanging out with men. We received news that there was a second road block- which meant I would not make it home in time for the meeting. Blanchard decided to make a pit stop at the airport and booked me a seat on the next plane which would be departing at 3pm. The flight was only 25 minutes long but it was the craziest flight I have ever been on. The pilots sure did not know how to fly a plane. It kept raising and dropping and I was sure we were going to crash. Everyone on the plane was beginning to panic and feel nauseas. But we landed safely !!!

I waited at the airport for my moto driver (Daniel) to pick me up. I was going to be staying at the Carribean Lodge with my friend Seanna. My meeting with Convoy of Hope was successful. They handed me an envelope with a donation and also told me that they will be sending food for us.

Since my meeting with Convoy of Hope, the meetings I was supposed to be in during my time in Port Au Prince have been multiplied. After every meeting it seems as if I gain two more meetings. I also had the opportunity to meet with Miriam Fedrick from New Life Orphanage who gave me amazing advice and guidance and also offered me a house to rent in Tabarre until we can complete the building. It is going to be $500 a month but it is big enough and has a large yard and a gate with barbed wire surrounding the property. I am hoping that we can come up with the funds to rent and that we can move down there within the next two weeks once our kids have finished school. Due to the safety of our children, volunteers, staff, and Montanna and I, as well as for our health and to meet the requirements of social affairs, we must move. I am exhausted and stressed but I am happy to finally get things going! I also met with an architect who is drawing out the plan for the orphanage, school, and guest house to be built on the land in Ouanaminthe. There is already a partially built building on the property and we are going to finish building that first so we can move there as soon as possible. It will be our temporary orphanage until we can build a larger one. However, to finish building that completely it will cost just under $40,000 US. So until we are able to come up with the funding, we are going to try to rent the house in Tabarre. Although this trip hasn't been the most "fun" trip, I have gotten a lot accomplished and I have met so many wonderful people that have now become close friends. Seanna, Daniel, Miriam, Blanchard, Julio, the staff at Carribean Lodge, and all of the UN workers I met have made this trip even better !!!

I am still in Port Au Prince and will be until tomorrow afternoon as I am meeting with a lawyer tomorrow morning to complete some paperwork for the registration of the orphanage. It is a long and tiring process- but it will be worth it !!

I am missing my babies so much and I was so glad to receive a phone call from them this morning. They passed the phone around and all said hi, asked how I was, when I would be coming back, and said I love you. That is the perfect way to start the day :) I can't wait to see them tomorrow.

Things have definitely not been easy for us, we have faced a lot of obstacles, but so far, we have been able to overcome them, and I can only hope and pray that we will be able to continue to overcome obstacles in the future as I know we are going to be facing many. One thing I've learned is that nothing worth having comes easy - especially in Haiti !!

I am still overwhelmed by the amount of support and encouragement I am receiving. I could not do it without it. Last night I received a phone call from Saghar- a lady who has done amazing work in Iran as well as in many other countries- her words of encouragement were definitely needed. I was amazed to be talking to someone who I had never met, who lives in another country, and who has the same passion as I do, and who was so inspired by my story. But the entire time she was talking, I was also very inspired by hers. She is planning to come and visit and to try to find us the support we need. I cannot wait to meet her !! I am also looking forward to receiving our two new volunteers on June 27th - Brooke & Madison who are also very young ladies with big hearts.

I have just returned from visiting the Baby Malnourishment clinic. I can't even put into words my experience and what I am now feeling. I saw the sickest of the sick and my heart is aching for them. Seeing the babies, and holding them, was another moment I will never forget. It was hard to hold back the tears. But I know that the babies are getting better and that they are in the right place receiving proper care. Life is so precious and we never know how long we have. Days like this makes me realize that every moment counts, you never know when your life could end, we have to live every moment as if it could be our last, the most important thing is to love with all of your heart. Never hate, and forget the things that cause you stress and anger for they are merely temporary things and will soon pass. Leave everyone with loving words, even if they don't want them. And most of all... Just be happy. Do whatever it takes to find your happiness and never lose it.

Still missing , everyone back home.
Much love & God bless

Love knows no language..

I used to think that there was a rule book on how to live life and that people were judging me for not doing it right. I thought that if I did not live by the "normal" Canadian standards, I would not succeed in life. But now I have realized that there is no wrong or right way to live. There is only your way, the way that you see as fit, the way that meets your standards. I realized that the only thing that will allow me to fail at this life is if I allow fear to get in the way of doing what I need to do to be happy. So a few months ago I decided to get out of my own way, and I decided to finally live.

I didn't hate Canada or University; I just so desperately missed the country in which I had fallen so deeply in love with. I missed the children and the new friends that I had made. I missed the sense of belonging and the joy I felt when a child that had nothing would look at me and smile. I missed the challenges and the developing country lifestyle. Looking back now, I believe that during my time in Canada, I was trying my best to live a life that I was not intended to live. I wanted to obey my parents, but what they expected of me did not line up with what I was meant to be doing. This is not to say that my time in Canada was a complete waste or that indulging into University life was not necessary; or that I was not blessed beyond belief by all of the resources I was entitled to and the wonderful people that surrounded me. Because I was, I had more than I could ever ask for. I had just the right people in just the right places, at just the right time. Some people helped me to just get through each day on a practical level, some helped me fundraiser and allow my dreams to flourish, some like my best friends- Montanna, Rick, Brock, Dakota, Candice, and the man that I had fallen so deeply in love with just helped to hold my head and console me when I needed it most, even if they didn't necessarily understand.

I finally came to a point in my life where it no longer mattered to me what the world said, it did not matter that almost none of the people closest to me believed in what I was doing, or believed that I would be able to succeed. It did not matter what they said anymore because I chose to stop caring, I chose to put my heart first for once. I chose to do this, I chose to be here, in Haiti, because this is exactly where I belong. I feel a sense of worth here, that I am actually doing something useful with my life. I feel more love here then I have ever felt. My children have given me more then I can ever give them.



I never knew that I could be so happy with so little. That I could sleep on a mattress on the floor and be covered in cockroaches and sweat and still wake up in the morning feeling a sense of joy. I never knew that I could eat the same food everyday- rice, chicken, beans, and spaghetti, and be content with that. I never imagined that I would be okay with doing laundry by hand or be okay with not having electricity or running water. I never imagined that I would be living like this, but as hard as it is some days, I love it. Everyday is a new adventure and I have realized now that adventure is the best way to learn. I have learned that no matter what, no matter how hard things get, we can survive. Humans are built to survive. I am surrounded daily by the most beautiful and resilient people that I know. Living like this requires a lot of laughter, you have to look at the situation you are in and instead of feeling sorry for yourself or wishing you had more, you just have to laugh... A LOT. And you have to love even more.

We are still looking for land and trying to figure out future plans for Caleb's House. Some good news is that we FINALLY have a table !!! We purchased some wood and a friend of ours made us a big enough table to sit around and eat as a family- right now we are in the process of making benches. Also, we now have a fridge. Yesterday my friend from Port Au Prince dropped it off at the orphanage, I am so excited to use it, however, we are still waiting to purchase a generator. The past few days have been beach and ice cream days as it has been very hot. Last night the older girls had a party at their school so I gave them money to buy new shirts and sandals to look their best for their party. They came back so excited and showing off everything they bought. They looked absolutely beautiful. Although things have been difficult, we are managing. We are staying positive. Everyday I need to remind myself "if it's supposed to happen, it will". I am overwhelmed by the amount of support and encouragement we are receiving. I cannot express enough my appreciation for the people that are donating, offering words of wisdom or advice, or simply just sharing my blogs and spreading the word. As stressful as these days are, I am very excited to see what our future holds for us. I know that no matter what, I have these kids. And that is more than enough for me. My only desire is to give these children the lives that they deserve, I want to help them succeed in life, and I want to help them chase their own dreams. I want them to grow up feeling loved and knowing how to love others. I want them to have the passion to help others and to care for their own country. I want these kids to not simply just exist, I want them to live.

Haiti is in need of the most basic rights of life, and the only way to ensure that they obtain them, is to be here, to stay here, and to help in any way that you can. We all need to work together. We need to give Haiti the love and support that they deserve. Change one life, make one person smile, offer a hand to someone's suffering, and that will begin a wave for others to help as well. That will be the beginning of a change to come.

& So This is Life...

Lately, my life could be considered chaotic. Actually, that does not even do it justice. Within the last month we have endured many hardships and have had to make many decisions based on our futures, as well as our children's futures. However, the last two weeks have literally spun my head around. From Malaria, to the loss of my uncle and not being able to make it home for the funeral, to a moto accident that resulted in a broken foot, dislocated knee, and a burn on the back of my leg, and now having a bad case of scabies that is spreading throughout the orphanage, I have become so overwhelmed and overcome with stress and emotion. I think the chaos is finally beginning to catch up to me.

On Friday, my friend Seanna contacted me and told me her plans to travel to Cite Soleil in search for a young boy who she was concerned about that may not have eaten in two weeks. I jumped at the opportunity to go. I needed some excitement and I wanted to so badly to help her find this boy. Seanna, Brandon, and I decided to hop on moto's and head into Cite Soleil- the slums of Haiti- the poorest and most dangerous place in the western hemisphere. Yes, on motos. We had no idea what to expect going into this area, but we were prepared to take on anything. However, on our way to Cite Soleil we were not expecting to get into a moto accident. Seanna and I were jamming to "Moves like Jagger" with our moto driver while Brandon was speeding ahead on his moto. Out of nowhere we were struck on the right side of the moto as well as on the front causing our moto to crash. The moto tipped and both Seanna and myself were stuck with our legs exposed to the tailpipe as well as exposed to the impact of the moto hitting our sides. We jumped up and both held onto our legs but our adrenaline was definitely pumping as we did not end up feeling our injuries until we hopped back onto the moto and continued on our way to Cite Soleil. The first thing we noticed was our burns. The exhaust from the cars that were passing us caused us an immense amount of pain. We still continued onto Cite Soleil and had a successful rest of the trip, other than being in pain. However, the pain became unbearable so we decided we needed to stop and get ourselves checked out and fixed up. As the adrenaline wore off, the morphine kicked in. I became so high from the morphine that I couldn't even keep my eyes open, I just kept laughing. It was awesome though, no pain !!! Later that night when I returned to the hotel room, still high on morphine, I began to feel the pain in my foot and in my knee. Turns out my foot was broken in two places and my knee was dislocated. In totality, it was still a great adventure and it will be yet another great memory to look back and laugh at. But for the meantime I am in a cast and on crutches and will be for a few weeks!

Today, I feel as if I am on another planet. I am feeling angry because I am not able to do the things I would usually do- run around, play soccer, pick up the kids, and even just get around- in Haiti, it is difficult to get around on crutches- especially when the crutches are too small for you. I am upset because I really want to be with my family, I wanted to attend my Uncle's funeral, and I want to be able to hug and console all of my family members during this difficult time. I am stressed because I want nothing but the best for these children and right now we need so many things and I do not even know where to start. We are in desperate need of a new house on top of everything else, as the one we are currently renting is way too small for fifteen people to be living in. My apartment back home was the size of our house now, and I was the only one living in it. We are all sharing one small, dark, and dirty bathroom. Our toilet does not work, our sink is literally ripped out of the wall, we do not have a light, and we also do not have a shower head. Bucket showers are our only means of getting clean- although they can be quite refreshing after long hot days. Our kitchen is just an empty room. We have no fridge, stove, table, or chairs. All of our nine children are crammed into one small room with bunkbeds. They have no room for their clothes and the heat is unbearable. My room consists of an empty room with a mattress on the floor. We have one chair to sit in and one wooden stool. We eat our meals scattered across the dirty floor. I never really thought of how crazy all of this is... until right now. I guess you don't really realize it, you just make do with what you have. And that is exactly what we have been doing. Although we may not have a lot of material objects, we do have a family, and this family consists of lots of love and that's more than enough for us.

I have spent the entire day sending emails, text messages, facebook messages, and making phone calls trying to seek assistance and trying to find land to purchase or a house to rent. All day I have literally felt like breaking down and crying, but I am trying to stay strong and I am trying my best to think positively. I have to keep reminding myself, this is life, it is not supposed to be easy. Rome was not built in one day. Thankfully my hero once again came to the rescue. Alison Thompson has been helping me out immensely, not only with finding support for the orphanage, but also with encouraging me to keep pushing on when I am about ready to give in. She has not only done remarkable work in Haiti, but also in other countries around the world. She is the strongest and most courageous woman that I know. "I think you just have to sit there and have a laugh at yourself- I did many times, it beats sorrow, etc. I remember collecting bodies all day and I was exhausted and sick and was sitting by the road with my shopping bags full of dead bodies and a little boy was running towards me with an arm and he finally got to me and popped it into the bag and he run off and I looked at the bag with legs and arms out of it and I took the boys dead arm and rearranged it then laughed out loud at the most ridiculous situation I was in and how I must have looked.. its all great life adventures some are up and some are very low.. but it is living and sure beats sitting at a bar back in usa getting drunk...... this is a good time to teach the kids how to look after you.. tell them sometimes you will get sick and the roles will be reversed and encourage them to be good caretakers as when they grow up they will need to care for people.. make a life lesson out of it for them. Some will have to get you things more instead of you jumping up and getting it yourself.... they in return will feel wanted and also that they have an important role in helping and are valuable." - Alison Thompson.

She is absolutely right. Lately I have been having my doubts, I have considered just giving it all up, but I can't. I know this is where I am meant to be, I know this is what I am meant to be doing despite all of the challenges. I know that if I were to give up and return to Canada, I would feel the same heartbreaking feeling that I felt only a few short months ago when I was in Canada longing to return to Haiti. Yes, life in Canada may be easier, but just because it is easier, does not make it right- or at least not for me. Challenges teach us lessons, challenges show us who we really are, they test us, and in the end, challenges make us stronger, they make us appreciate when things aren't so crazy, they allow us to realize that no matter what, we must keep pushing on. My heart is here in Haiti, and it will remain here. With my children, with my family, and with my friends.

I would greatly appreciate any assistance anyone could offer us right now with funding and also with finding a new location for Caleb's House. Literally, every cent counts! I think that is is essential for the children's safety, health, and all around well-being for us to relocate. We also still have a few kids that need sponsorships !!!! Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we continue to overcome new challenges everyday. Life sure is exciting here, you never know what is going to be thrown your way (Hopefully no more moto accidents or malaria). Thank you to everyone who has been assisting us and offering us words of encouragement. Special thanks to Alison Thompson, Cindi Courbat, Rachel Girard Mattsson, Patty Higgins Blaise, Justin Parkinson, Mary Thompson, P.J Pitts (for helping me find a cast & crutches), Melissa Berman, Alexandra Genis, Convoy of Hope, Terry Kivell, Susan Steinhauser, and most of all my Mommy & Daddy.

Missing everyone back home. Much love.