"Why?" - this is a question I have found myself asking a lot within the past two years . Why doesn't the government do more? Why isn't there better health care? Why do parents have to watch their children suffer? Why are so many children sexually abused? Why does slavery still exist? Why is cancer becoming so prominent in North America? Why can't people see others as equals ? Why don't people back home understand? Why, Why, Why, Why...
Not only do I ask this question for Haiti, but for every where in the world. This question could drive one insane. It's finally time for me to take a step back and realize that I may never find these answers.. that sometimes.. there is just no justification for things, no answers. I have learned that life can be brutally unfair at times and that although we wish we could, we can't change the outcome for some people, and yes.. even ourselves. I have now realized that instead of asking "why?" I should be asking the question "how?" .. How can we rid of these problems? What will it take to improve these conditions? How will the government handle the new security issues that have approached? How can slavery in Haiti be abolished altogether? And how can I make those back home understand?
I have noticed that since living here, in Haiti, I have developed a sense of pride for "my" country. Yes, I am angry with the politics, the violence, the lying, the betrayal, the corruption. But I am angry because I have so much love for this country that I so badly want to see it blossom and develop into the potential that I know it has. It hurts me when I see these things happen. And its the strangest feeling. Although I have written a lot of the horrible things that occur here (that also occur in most countries around the world) if someone talks bad about "my" country... I will go to war with them. Yes, Haiti still has a lot of work to do but the people here still never seize to amaze me (the majority of them at least). They continue to inspire me, to show me hope and courage and resilience. It is sad because for some people, the only way to survive is to engage in these negative events that their society presents them with.
No I am not in University, I am not sitting in front of a professor during a lecture, instead, I am surrounded by millions of teachers. Even those I pass on the streets and just happen to take a glance at are still able to teach me lessons here. These past two weeks have been hell since I became sick. 42 injections within 1 week and 5 days. Not to mention, I am terrified of needles. I had a fever reaching to 104 for 5 days. And yesterday while I was feeling sorry for myself I suddenly stopped. I laughed. I am sitting here feeling burned out, exhausted, sick of hospitals and doctors, sick of being sick and and asking the question "why me?"..I just thought.. what if it was worse? I took a look around me and realized just how much everyone here has gone through. If I really want to know what exhaustion is all I would have to do is walk down to the nearest hospital and visit the TB or HIV ward- children who have been in the hospital for months. Go visit cancer patients- look into the eyes of a small child who won't see their teenage years, probably won't even see their next birthday. Go and see someone who is mentally or physically ill and who is neglected because that is not acceptable in Haiti. Go visit the family of the children who had been kidnapped or the women that have been raped. Or see a child who has just been in an accident and is now paralyzed from the waist down. All that it would take is to look into that child's eyes and then look down at my two capable legs and realize that he would do anything to have the opportunity to stand in my shoes. Haiti gives perspective. When you are at your weakest moments it allows you to re-evaluate your situation. Instead of thinking of yourself, you begin to think of others.
In these twenty years of my life, I have seen more despair then some will ever see. And although sometimes I wake during the night from nightmares or just simply can't sleep because the image of someone else is so vivid in my mind, I don't regret seeing these things. I don't want to forget. I always want to remember because these peoples stories, holding these peoples hands in their last breath of life, watching them fight and then know when to let go, this has allowed me to experience raw and real life. I have learned the best lessons are in my moments of weakness. The moments where I kept asking the question "why?", the moments I felt my heart break, when I felt confusion and the fear, this meant that I am still alive. That I need to take these stories and to tell these brave comrades stories to others to try to make them understand. That I need to learn and grow from these experiences and that I need to do whatever I can to help the next wounded comrades.
I have had so many people ask me why I still want to be in Haiti. They say "haven't you had enough?"... No... No I haven't had enough of Haiti. When things get bad back home, do you just runaway ? Do you just give up on the people you love? On the country you love? Nope. For most of us, we will stay and we will fight and do what it takes to protect those we care for. Haiti has many problems right now- but this is when it needs us the most. If I just up and walk away because the country is in chaos, then how is that trying to make it better? I cannot change Haiti. I know this. I cannot make the difference that I wish I could make here. But if people like us, who do see the positive in the country and who do wish it would flourish into the great country that it could be, walk away.. then what is the country left with? If we all just give up on Haiti when its down, then it will always stay down. It's like constantly telling a child they are not good enough, that they won't succeed, and walking out on them. Chances are, they are going to believe the words you are telling them. They are going to lose self-esteem and the desire to even try to do better. Same goes for Haiti. We have to have hope that this country can improve. I am seeing so many positive things happen here. Housing projects are expanding, new businesses are opening, even the roads are having more signs put up, they are building new things. I can see Haiti's progress since my first visit. And seeing the positive changes enlightens me. I am here to stay and to fight the battles alongside my Haitian brothers and sisters in hope for a better tomorrow. I will not walk away.
"Perhaps strength doesn't reside in having never been broken, but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places"- unknown.
Now onto a more positive note... Sarah Griffith joined us these past two weeks and has made our house finally into the home that we needed !! We now have tables, chairs, water coolers, my own office, a pharmacy, and yes... even couches :) oh.. and can't forget our new kitten- thanks to Val. Yesterday was my first full day out of bed and it couldn't have been better. We played musical chairs, danced, had an awesome feast, and also handed clothes out to the mothers of the children in the tent city next to my house- it was a great feeling as I have felt so useless since being sick. Sarah has given so much to us and I can't express how much we appreciate it. The kids did not want her to leave & neither did I. Safe travels home & we look forward to seeing you in February !!!! We are also looking forward to seeing our next volunteer, Justin Parkinson, next week !
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