Well it has been four days since we arrived in Haiti and time has already began to fly by. Tears of joy streamed down my face when our plane touched down on the Haitian turf. "I am home" I kept repeating to myself.
Saying goodbye to my family, my bestfriends, a man who I am totally in love with, and my older and two younger brothers nearly ripped my heart out. Part of me wondered how I could leave all this behind, but the other part of me was so ready to do it. So I gave up my life and everything that North American society says is important - my job, my university studies, and the luxuries and comforts of home- to instead emerge myself into the Haitian culture and lifestyle which consists of bucket showers, no electricity or plumbing, frustration, sacrifice, and risking everything to do something that I have always believed in and dreamt of.
People ask me all of the time if I am "afraid" of the dangers that Haiti has to offer. To be honest, I think that I am much more afraid of living comfortably and free from harm. I am surrounded by things that can harm one's body; daily interactions with those who are suffering from illness and disease, food and water that may contain parasites and bacteria, the possibility of a natural disaster rummaging through the country, and people that may partake in physical and aggressive violence. Uncertainty surrounds me. I am living admist the possibility of encountering physical harm because I am protecting my soul and running from the things that would damage me greater than any physical harm possibly could; complacency, comfort, selfishness, and ignorance. I am much more afraid of living a "normal" and "comfortable" life then I am of any illness or tragedy.
I can't really explain in words the love that I feel for these children or why I feel it. I think many people would look at them and see their filthy torn clothes that are two sizes too small for them, their infected cuts, or the mucus that ends up like a crust around their nostrils. They would look at our small orphanage and wonder how fourteen of us live here, they would look at it's smooth, hard, dirty, cement floors, where cockroaches, rats, and spiders have made themselves at home. But for me, I don't seem to notice or to care about any of this. The truth is, I see myself in all of their little faces. They hold my heart in their small, dirty, but loving hands.
The Haitian rains have blessed us for the past four days, as well as the mosquito's and the mud. Despite the rain, we have accomplished a lot this week. We now have 6 bunkbeds at the orphanage as well as 12 mattresses, we bought a months worth of food, we have a new security gate attached to the front of the orphanage, as well as a fence surrounding the perimeter made from palm tree leaves that were hand woven together by a local Haitian, and tomorrow we are paying our rent !
With living in a third world country, tragedy is expected. Today we came across our second dead body since returning to Haiti. Although I have become more desensitized towards things such as this from my travels, it still hurts the heart to see a body in a ditch as if the person had crawled into it waiting for death to overcome them. In Haiti, many believe that when a person dies from illness or disease it is due to a curse/karma. It also actually costs families to claim the bodies of their loved ones so quite too often they just leave them to decay and rot in ditches like we witnessed today.
Despite the heartache we experienced earlier, our kids repaired our hearts tonight by playing soccer, tickle tag, and by begging us to grab them by their arms and legs and swing them into the air. But our day was even more complete when we sat down and immediately had three kids on each of our laps that eventually fell asleep and snuggled up to us. We ended up putting them to bed and giving them all kisses goodnight.
Its moments like these that remind me why I am here and why I cannot give up.
I sure never meant to become a mother. I mean, I guess I did; not right now, though. Not before I was married or had a secure income and a house to call my own. Not when I was nineteen and certainly not to nine children. But I guess its all part of a bigger plan, one that is beyond my control. I followed the tugs in my heart and it lead me here. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and becoming a mother has given me more then I could ever ask for. In Haiti, my heart has found its home.
You know you are meant to be here when you look forward to the rooster waking you at 5am and when you try forcing yourself to sleep but cannot because you are too eager to see the children's smiles in the morning and to receive nine little kisses. Its the most perfect way to start one's day. Back home I felt this void within, no matter what I did I could not rid of it. Today, walking through the village, seeing the children and hearing them call out "Blan" and then running towards us and reaching for my hand, I realized that the void has diminished... I have everything I need right here. My heart is so full. I belong here.
Well I guess I should head to bed now... Missing everyone back home & sending well wishes your way ! Wish you could all be here to share this journey with us. Much love.
MWEN RENMEN AYITI :)
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