Coming "Home"

Home- A place where you are supposed to feel comfortable.  It is supposed to be a place where you can relax.  It is where the heart is supposed to be.  

Why don't I feel this way ? Coming home is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  It is even more difficult to fake a smile and pretend as if this is where I want to be.  Don't get me wrong, I love my family, I love my friends, but my heart.. it is still in Haiti.  I feel anxious, nervous, uneasy.  I have so many thoughts running through my head.  I feel as if I am having an outer body experience.  Yes, my body is physically here, but my heart, my soul, the rest of me, has remained in the country I have fallen in love with.. Haiti.  I feel like a foreigner in my own country.  

Although I cannot speak french fluently, and do not know much creole, I feel as if I am forgetting how to speak English as well.  I find many times that my mouth cannot form the words that I wish to say.  I feel as if what I do say does not make sense.  I interact with people on a daily basis but I find myself drifting during conversation and only being able to see their mouths move.  It is like my whole world is on mute.  The only thing I can see is Haiti.  I have still images in my mind, "my life is like a slideshow".  Many times I find myself holding back tears while thinking of the children, the people who are still living in tents during this hurricane season, and the suffering I have witnessed.  I long to be there. 

The streets here are empty; you do not have to watch where you are walking; you do not hear honking horns every second; you are not trying your best to take up as little room as possible on the sidewalks and trying to keep your balance as people run into you; it is lonely here.  I miss the way of life in Haiti.  I miss the busyness, the happiness, the friendliness that people who do not even know you are willing to show you.  I miss getting on a tap tap and fearing for my life every time a vehicle cuts in front of us or stops an inch away from the back of us.  I miss it so much that I even miss the smells on the street, the smell of the children (which yes.. is Urine).  I have experienced more culture shock coming home then I have visiting other countries.  

 I miss my bucket showers and trying not to scream every time as the cold water hits my skin.  I miss being in the middle of a long message, or working on a project, and the electricity going out and I have to start everything from scratch again.  I miss going Cockroach hunting before bed with the kids so I can sleep better at night knowing that there are a few less cockroaches in the world.  I miss picking up one of my babies and realizing I probably should have checked their pants before doing so.  I miss the laughter, I miss the screaming, I even miss the temper tantrums and crying. 

Everyday I wonder what the kids are doing, if the storms are bad, where the wonderful people I have met are.  The selfishness here is overwhelming.  I even find myself taking advantage of the resources available since being back home.  I feel guilty for being here, although I know that I cannot chose where people are born, which country they live in, I just can't seem to make sense of why I was born into this privilege and why others were not.  It does not seem right or fair.  There are so many people that deserve these privileges and need these resources, more then I do. 

My heart continues to ache for Haiti.  I am counting the days until I return.  I have already begun to pack my suitcases.  I feel as if I am on vacation and that this is not reality.  Reality for me now is in Haiti.  It is focusing on how to improve lives, how to help people, what I am capable of doing to change the situations in Haiti, maybe not even for Haiti, but for someone.  There are so many things I wish I could do, so many places I wish I could help, but unfortunately my heart is bigger than my wallet.  I feel unneeded in Canada, I feel useless.  

Being "home" is difficult.  It is hard when people ask about my experiences in Haiti as well as in Ghana because I feel like no matter what I say it will never even compare to what I saw or felt.  Numerous times since returning home I have been called crazy, I have been called an idiot, and I have been told that I am making a huge mistake for not returning to University, but instead returning to Haiti.  If following my dreams, if pursuing what I love to do, and finding happiness makes me crazy.. then so be it.  Haiti is where I want to be, it is where I need to be, and it is where I belong.  I do not think that this decision could ever be a mistake.  I do not know what my future holds, and I have no idea where I will end up.  Right now all that I know is that I am going to finally follow my heart and do what I enjoy doing.  And for me, that is enough. The rest will come in time.  

I have mentioned the people who have discouraged me, but have yet to mention the ones that have encouraged me.  To everyone who has supported me, I cannot thank you enough.   Your support and encouragement means the world to me.  Although there are a few I would love to mention on here who have helped me out, there is one person in particular that has motivated me and has inspired me more than anyone before.  She has taught me so much, and continues to teach me more and more everyday.  Yes, she used to be my former English teacher, but she has developed into much more than that.  She is a true friend.  Candice Fung not only teaches the curriculum but teaches students much greater things.  She teaches you about life.  I admit I took many things for granted in her classes but I have now come to realize the importance of her lessons.  They were not merely lessons on novels and proper English, they were life lessons.  She has allowed me to analyze situations and think critically.  She has motivated me to follow my dreams and has listened to many "crazy" ideas that I have had.  Not once has she put me down or made me feel like an "idiot".  She has believed in me at times when no one else did.  I cannot thank her enough.  Without her, I may have never pursued my passion.  Through all of her classes, through all of her lessons, through all of her discussions, she has made me into the person I am today and I am sure she will continue to make me a better person for many years to come.  For any students of hers that are reading this, please do not take her for granted like I did, absorb as much as you can from her lessons because I can guarantee you, at some point in your life, her lessons will become meaningful and you will have wished you payed a lot better attention during class.

"An understanding heart is everything in a teacher, and cannot be esteemed highly enough. One looks back with appreciation to the brilliant teachers, but with gratitude to those who touched our human feeling. The curriculum is so much necessary raw material, but warmth is the vital element for the growing plant and for the soul of the child."-  Carl Jung

I have begun to believe in "Love at first sight".  When the plane wheels brushed the Haitian turf I immediately felt a sense of belonging, I felt as if I was right where I was supposed to be.  May 2nd, 2011, has forever changed my life.  It seems as if life back home is a trap, with all of the cars, electricity, running water, and the many other luxuries we have, it seems as if I am slowly being sucked into the "norms" of our society.  Everyday I am struggling to fight against these norms.  I see so many unhappy people.  I feel as if life here is dull and routine.  I do not want that.  I want an adventure everyday!!! Haiti is an adventure everyday.  You never know what you will encounter. 

I have so many questions that run through my head on a daily basis.  How will the tents and shanty homes hold up? What will they do when the rain hits hard and the wind begins to blow?  How many lives are going to be lost this season?  Are the people I have grown to love going to be safe?  What are the children doing?  Do they have enough to eat? What will they do once they reach the age of 12 and are kicked out of the orphanage and left on the streets?

The struggle in Haiti continues day in and day out for many people.  Although my life can never compare to those in Haiti, I find myself struggling here in Canada.  Although I have a roof over my head, food on my table, and access to unlimited resources, I feel as if I am slowly fading.  I long to see the familiar faces of people I passed on the street while walking to the supermarket, I long to hear the laughter of the children and hear them screaming or singing my name.  I miss being called Mama and having my heart filled with all of their love.  Instead of wishing for things, I often find myself wishing I had nothing.  I want to be able to understand deeper what these people are going through everyday.  I want to be able to relate with them and live amongst them.  I walk on their grounds, I eat their food, I sleep in their beds, but will I ever be able to understand truly the aspects of Haitian life?  

As I am writing this I feel an emptiness and uneasiness in my stomach while I sit on my soft mattress.  I feel exhaustion, sadness, guilt, and anxiousness.  Now the question is when will I return to Haiti?  The answer is still unknown.  But the most accurate response is "as soon as possible".  I have my Haitian brothers and sisters working together with me to help me return home soon.  It may be next week, it may be next month, but I will definitely be going back this summer. 

Haiti- I love you and thank you for everything you have shown to me and given to me.  See you soon !