It's the little things..

Our house is full. That's right .. no vacancies. We have seven wonderful volunteers (including my daddy) and we have a bunch more coming in the next few weeks. I have been begging my Dad to come to Haiti since I began volunteering here a couple years back. He has always refused. But he didn't have much of a choice. I live here, this is my home, and these are my children. It's not so easy for me to jump on a plane and to go and visit him anymore. So... finally, he decided it was time to come and visit me. He couldn't seem to wrap his head around why I would want to come to a country that is full of disease, crime, and poverty. He couldn't understand how on earth I could find this enjoyable. That was until yesterday.

Yesterday morning I dragged him out of the house at 9am with Jodnise and Jodline in hand and headed down to Wharf Jermaie to visit their 18 year old mother who had just given birth to a baby boy (my Godson). Just driving down to Wharf the questions came flying. "How do those woman carry everything on their heads? How do people get clean drinking water? How do people live like this? I knew Haiti was poor.. but I figured it was like the other islands I've visited like the DR or the Bahama's where there is just certain sections that are bad.. but this..it's all bad.. it's always right in front of you.. how do you do it?" We arrived in Wharf Jeramie and I brought him to the clinic that I had first volunteered at. Explained to him how things worked there. This is where we waited for the twins mom to arrive. As we waited we were approached by many others. I would talk and laugh and joke around with them. Dad just stared and walked around taking in the surroundings. While we were gone the other volunteers remained at Ke Kontan and cleaned up our yard and finished building book shelves (they had built me a change table the day before). When we arrived back at the house we loaded up the car (yes 9 people in one small SUV) and headed to Montrouis. When we first arrived we went to visit our old orphanage which is still the exact same way as we left it. No furniture, no running water, no working toilet sink or shower, no proper beds, nothing in the kitchen. It amazes me going back there and seeing how little we had and how we were able to live like that. I laugh and think of how at the time we just didn't know any better. We were used to it. We didn't need much, just the essentials to survive. I miss the beach and the mountains and the small village atmosphere. But I am still glad we made the move as life has become a lot more easier as we have better access to clean water, food, and we are closer to hospitals. Tiny and his family were at the house and after Pedson climbed up the palm tree to get us coconuts we headed to Tiny's old house. We piled 5 of us (Pedson, Petile, Tiny, Chaba, & myself) onto a moto and the rest of the volunteers followed behind in the car. When we arrived at the top of the mountain I was greeted by smiling, naked, and dirty children calling out my name. These children seriously have nothing, little clothes and no toys- but yet are so happy and loving. My friend Lucho met us at the house to take measurements and to make a plan for rebuilding the house. We visited with the family, danced with the kids, and then ran up and down the mountain side. I came across a mother who was holding a little girl- Lilian 2 years old- she was completely naked and covered in dirt literally from head to toe (she even had dirt in her mouth). I noticed how malnourished she is and that her brother & her were completely full of worms. The mom begged me to take the baby girl as she said she is scared because she is so small and always sick. She walked me down to their house which was made of mud and small sticks. The house is the size of my bathroom back at Ke Kontan. There was one small bed and one pot. That was it. I played peek-a-boo and chased Lilian all around the mountainside as she was laughing and growling at me. She can't talk much but can say Wi and Non. She was scared of me at first- but after a few times of tossing her up into the air she wouldn't leave my side. I agreed to take her back to Port Au Prince to take her to a hospital here and have her checked out and to see if we can get her on a nutrition plan. We jumped in the car and headed back to PAP as she slept the entire way in my arms. When we arrived at the house you could tell she was terrified- most likely never seeing lights or electronics let alone everything else in the house. We bathed her- the water was completely black after- she even had dirt packed into her ears. Her mom had pierced her ears (God knows with what) and left string in them so the holes wouldn't close. After we bathed her I dug through our suitcases of clothes and found a pair of PJ's for her. Before bed I had her dancing to Justin Bieber, eating bananas, and she found 2 new babies that NO ONE is now allowed to touch (stuffed bear and monkey). She slept through the night cuddled up beside me- her foot and hand had to be touching me at all times. It breaks my heart to see children such as Lilian. But it warms my heart knowing that I can help her- even if that is just by giving her a safe and clean place to stay temporarily and filling her belly for a few weeks. It brings me such happiness seeing her laugh and play and love her new toys. And this morning she definitely won me over by imitating everything I was doing- she watched me get dressed- she attempted dressing herself- she watched me brush my teeth and the whole time she was mumbling- finally took the hint that she wanted to brush her teeth too... so I ran to the storage closet and grabbed her a little pink tooth brush- she stood by my side and began brushing. When I stopped she stopped. When I spit she spit (although her spit went all over the bathroom). When I was finished I put my tooth brush in the cup, and of course when I looked over, hers was next to mine.



The best part about all of this, was last night. After I had tucked Lilian into bed and before Dad and I went to bed, I asked him what he thought of all this, and that I wanted his honest opinion. He said he is just astonished, he didn't realize how many people we were helping, how many kids we were caring for. He told me he is so proud of me and supports what I am doing 100%. He told me that before, he wasn't really supportive because he didn't really know what I was doing here, he thought it was just a phase I was going through. He expressed how amazing he thinks my kids are and that he just doesn't understand how I'm doing it as he had a difficult enough time just raising my brother and I. He had no idea of the mass amount of people living in poverty and the kids that are walking around without shoes and who are not attending school. I absolutely love having my Dad here. He has helped around the house, loves holding the babies- him and Tyson have become pals, he feeds them, plays with them, and most of all.. he's getting to see what my new life consists of and he's actually taking the time to understand it. I have never felt so happy before just watching him wake up at the crack of dawn to open the gate for the tent city boys and to start a game of soccer with them while everyone is still in bed. I hands down could not ask for a better father. I am dreading tomorrow evening when he will be leaving Haiti and heading back to the cold country. Even though his stay has been short, it has been great. And I really hope he returns again.

I want to thank all of my volunteers who have come down this month to help- Shannon, Aaron, Pete, Justin, Mackenzie, Starr, Dad- you have been a blast and have allowed us to accomplish so much. Thank you to Starr and Mackenzie for hosting a fundraiser to not only come down to Haiti to help us out but to also help out the families around us and the tent city. They bought enough food to give the tent city near our house a good meal and also bought one of my boys (Chrisnel) from the tent city clothes and shoes as his mother passed away and his father pays no attention to him. Every day he comes here he is wearing the same dirty clothes and shoes with holes in them. They have also bought the supplies for us to build a chicken coop, bought food for the other children we are supporting, and paid for groceries for us. I truly appreciate your hard work and generosity and for also thinking of the others we are supporting around us !!!! I am enlightened that you both are willing to reach out to the community and I know they are very grateful. Thank you to the men- Justin, Pete, Dad, Val, Aaron for your building skills and hard work. Thank you to Shannon for always taking the crying and poopy diaper babies. And thank you to all of you for helping to make our yard look a little more beautiful. As I am writing this Shannon, Aaron, Val, Justin, Pete, and Dad are at MSC Plus buying our chicken coop supplies and I have just come back from buying our first 3 live chickens !!! WOOOHOO



Looking back at my life now I have realized how all the little moments in my life have added up to this. To where I am at right now. How the things I thought would never matter in the future, actually take up the biggest part of my past. If I would have followed the crowd, if I would have done what I was "suppose" to do, look at all I'd be missing. My life isn't perfect. We have our ups and downs, we struggle, but it's not me alone, it's us- as a family. Most days I wonder how we will survive the next month let alone the next year. Each day I wake up exhausted- physically, mentally, and emotionally- whether it be from crying babies keeping me up, memories that haunt my dreams, or my own damn head over-thinking and worrying about the things I cannot control. But then my kids and those that surround me here in Haiti remind me that although life here is tough (and extremely frustrating at times), my heart is always full, and that's enough for me. That's enough to keep me going. That is all I will ever need. The rest will figure itself out. Even through the exhaustion and chaos, I constantly find myself smiling- that's gotta mean something. I am happy. I am right where I am "supposed" to be.

Chaotic & Content

Where do I even begin ?
These past three weeks has been a whirlwind of events starting with my kids all getting sick with colds, chest infections, and fevers to cholera rummaging through the tent camp near my house. My first week back consisted of 5 days without sleep, 3 days without a meal, and 2 days without a shower. It was constantly go, go, go. I didn't have time to even stop and think. Whenever an emergency arises my mind stays totally focused on that cause, nothing else. As soon as I would get into my room and about to lay on my bed, something else would come up where I had to dash out of the house in an instant. It was exhausting and draining, but something I have realized is that I truly love this lifestyle. I love being kept busy and always on the go. On top of everything else going on this past week, we received the call about Jodnise and Jodline's mother who had just given birth to a beautiful baby boy. However, she refused to hold him or breast feed him and as soon as I walked into the hospital room the Dr was laughing and said "congratulations". The hospital is not a sanitary hospital at all- the baby had not been bathed, the sheets had not been changed, and the poor mom was laying there completely naked. I spoke with the mother (who is only 18 & now has 3 children under the age of 2 years & no home) and told her that she needs to keep her baby. I told her I would help her when I can and that I will continue to care for her two twin daughters until she is able to get back on her feet (she also had a C section). She has asked me to be the Godmother of the new nameless baby boy- which I have agreed to do.

So back to the tent city issue- we had 13 people in the camp fall ill with Cholera within these past 2 weeks- including 2 children under the age of 2 years. It was terrible. I had people constantly coming to the gate letting me know that another was sick. After distributing rehydration salts, clean water, and fever reducers- I decided that still wasn't enough. That is when I met with my friend Lucho from the organization Give Love to discuss how we could improve their sanitary condition. They are currently going to the washroom (yes #2) in plastic bags and leaving those bags inside their tents. They wait until nightfall until they scurry from their tents and dispose of their waste on the streets. Well, this street is right in front of my house and is downhill- whenever they dispose of their waste and a rainfall occurs, it gets washed right back into their little community. The hard thing about this camp is that there are so many people enclosed into one tiny space therefore as soon as one becomes sick- the others do as well. Lucho and I decided that the most important thing right now is to create a hand-washing station for them to help prevent the spread of germs & bacteria, we have also discussed about putting in compost toilets as well. Lucho is a very busy guy but literally dropped all of his other projects for those 2 days and focused on this tent camp. He put his heart into and I admire the way he works. He not only gets the job done but also gets the community involved, we all worked together. After meeting with Lucho and discussing the potential project, he called me the very next day and asked if I was ready to head to the MSC store to purchase the supplies needed to build a hand-washing station. We jumped in his truck and we were on our way !!!! On the way there I received a call from Val about another baby that had fallen ill with cholera and was in serious condition. We got the supplies then I headed home to check up on the baby. She had been vomiting and had diarrhea for 3 days but the mom was too afraid to let me know- as cholera is something that is looked down upon in Haiti. I gave her rehydration salts and bottles of water and we kept her hydrated. Lucho and David (a friend of Lucho's who also does environmental work in Haiti) stayed up all night working in the dark on the hand-washing station. The next day they came to install it. We walked down to the tent camp and not only installed the hand-washing station but also sprayed the area with a natural product that rids of bacteria, as well as cleaned up a lot of the garbage and shovelled it into the back of Lucho's truck which he disposed of. It was a very long day, but also a very successful one indeed !!! I got really excited today when the men from the camp came over with the empty barrels to fill with purified water and asked for more handsoap. I am extremely pleased to inform everyone that the camp is improving day by day and we have only had 2 outbreaks this week !!!!!!!!



I have been thinking a lot lately about the lessons I have learned in Haiti and how when I first came here, I thought I knew so much.. when really.. I knew nothing. I look around at my life today and just simply laugh. I paused today in the midst of what I was doing and took a glance at all of the baby toys scattered all over our living room floor, how we have an entire refrigerator full of just baby bottles, how the two twins had spread apple pieces not only all over the ground- but also all over themselves and Tyson, how I am sitting here typing this blog while trying to entertain the two babies on my lap, and how all of this is just become so normal to me. When I first arrived in Haiti I knew next to nothing about the culture. I thought it was weird that people kissed each other on the cheek to greet one another, however now, when I return home I lean in for that kiss and have to stop myself reminding me that's not what we do in Canada. I thought that being so squished together in a taptap or on a bus was weird, but now I climb right on up and invite everyone into my personal space. I thought how people sang and danced in the streets was weird, now I absolutely love it and sometimes it even changes my entire day around. I thought that every child I passed on the street I had to give money too, but now I understand that sometimes it ends up doing more damage then good. Riding on the back of a moto with no helmet has become normal, holding three babies on my lap in the front seat of a car is normal, sitting in the pitch black trying to change a diaper is normal, having absolutely no privacy- even when showering as you constantly have kids entering your room asking you questions is normal, burning your trash in the backyard- including plastics is normal. Its funny how your definition of "normal" changes. I laugh now when volunteers come and are worried about bugs, bucket showers, trash on the ground, riding in vehicles with no seat belts, how you can drink prestige on the streets or in a car, how they get so frustrated when there is no power or running water... now I laugh and say TIH (This is Haiti). I am still learning more about Haiti every day as I am still naive about many things. But I do love this culture, I do love the lessons I have learned, and I do love what it has taught me about myself.

There has been some things weighing on my mind lately that I am really struggling with. I had an interesting conversation the other night with two of my Haitian friends, who managed to put some issues I've been having into perspective. They asked me if I went through culture shock when I arrived in Haiti, and wondered how I was able to adjust. I told them about my initial feelings and thoughts when I arrived (kind of what I stated above), and talked about what things were hardest for me to "get used to"- primarily it was the pollution and poverty that were so hard to get over. I explained to them how I've had to adjust to the level of dirt, grime, and overall unsanitary conditions you are faced with on a daily basis in Haiti, how people throw trash everywhere without seeming to care, and the huge disparities between the rich and poor, and how little involvement the government has in their people. It hurts me to see the lack of health care and education and how the value of life is so low. The first thing they said is "well you just have to get used to it and start shutting it out. You have too big of a heart Emily, you are just going to overwhelm yourself. If you get upset about these things you will be upset all the time because they aren't changing. In short; desensitize yourself". It was funny to hear them say that as the "desensitized" issue is what I have been struggling with the greatest. I have always reminded myself to never become bitter, to always keep my heart the same as it was when I first arrived, but now... taking a step back I have realized I have not been listening to myself or taking my own advice. I find my points of weakness are when the exhaustion hits. Driving around today and having volunteers ask questions I have realized I have become somewhat desensitized to the poverty around me. When I first arrived here, the begging children on the streets of Port Au Prince really shocked me and put me in a state of gloom. All I wanted to do was help those children. I was advised to never give money because then more children will come out of nowhere and it could lead to a riot in the street. I struggled with that for the longest time- the not giving. After spending more and more time here though I find myself getting annoyed with the beggers, which is really upsetting me. I think the desensitization is possibly a personal defence mechanism I have obliviously obtained through time against the feeling of being miserable and guilty 24/7. But I still am pissed at myself with becoming annoyed with the demands for money- as I truly know and believe that those people do need it more than myself and I can always spare a little change. I don't have any idea what it is like to be so desperate for the essentials. It's kind of a viscious cycle where we feel bad for the children, then get annoyed through our desensitization, then we feel miserable for having become desensitized. Can you choose the degree to which you are emotionally distanced? I know that no matter how desensitized I think I am, when someone comes to me with an issue- whether it be their health, their home, their food, their family- and I look into their eyes, I realize how wrong I am. Although I may be desensitized to the things around me, such as the enivronment, when it comes to human emotion or need- when I actually hear their stories and see their struggles and put myself into their shoes.. I don't think I will ever be able to become desensitized to that, I will never be able to ignore personal connections and the guilt I feel as once again my heart begins to ache and I get drawn back into the motion of rushing around trying to figure out what I can do to help them. So I guess my biggest goal right now is to stop trying to ignore what is going on around me- to still take it in- even if it does hurt and to grow from it like I did when I first touched down on the Haitian soil. I want to take more time getting to know people and their stories. My goal is to never become so desensitized that I stop making connections and stop helping those that need it the most.

Last Saturday I headed to Okap (Cap Haitian) with a few friends to participate in Haiti's annual carnival. I had gotten a taste for the Carnival this past summer when I spent an afternoon at the Flower Carnival in Port Au Prince- but man was I ever in for a surprise. It was the craziest, chaotic, yet the most amazing and exhilarating event I have ever attended. Haitians really do know how to party. Thankfully I had some connections that were able to get us up onto a stand and to visit the different floats instead of being trampled to death on the ground below. I can honestly say that this trip is one that will stick with me forever and thank you to all of my amazing friends that made this trip that much better !!!





My Dad is arriving in Haiti in two days and I am extremely excited. When he told me he was ACTUALLY coming this time I found myself with tears streaming from my eyes. I have been waiting for this day since I first started my volunteer work. I can't wait to show my Dad the side of Haiti he doesn't even know exists. I can't wait for him to meet the people that have stolen my heart and I am even more excited for him to meet my babies and understand why I have chosen to stay. Right now we have a rather large group of volunteers- 3 from my home town, and 3 that were previous volunteers. It is a full house !!! We spent the day yesterday in Cite Soleil at the school that Bridge2Haiti sponsors for a dance party. It was a blast especially with the Cyborg dance team. However, I am now resembling a lobster due to my sunburn. Which has added to my ongoing exhaustion. Today we spent the day at the beach with the kids and the volunteers- swimming, dancing, playing soccer, and enjoying a feast (and of course I remained in the shade) !!! On the 25th we have a family coming down that has sponsored the building of Tiny's house. I am really looking forward to finally getting this project started- and finished.

Well, I am exhausted and Tyson has finally cut his first tooth- which means there has been many recent sleepless nights and probably a few more to come. Sweet dreams.

One way ticket to Happiness..

This week sure has been an adventure to say the least. From Port Au Prince to Jacmel to Montrouis to Cite Soleil and then to the airport to say goodbye to two great friends who I have definitely enjoyed having here in Haiti with me.

Since returning to Haiti it has seriously just been non-stop go. I have numerous unanswered emails, facebook messages, and even text messages, so I apologize to those who I have still not responded too- I'm working on it !!! I tried to get as much accomplished this week as I possibly could.

Since being away, my babies have grown so much. It makes me sad. Tyson is now pulling himself up, he has a very distinctive laugh, and he is a little bugger now !!! The twins have finally grown hair and are bigger and have wonderful spunky personalities that make you smile non-stop. Norens is still the same old Norens- loves to push buttons and laughs his butt off over the simplest things- his missing two front teeth make the laugh even cuter. Don is still "cool" Don but is also the biggest sweetheart he has told me over and over and over again how much he missed me while I was gone and is constantly giving me kisses. Don always knows how to make my day- he is quite the ladies man and knows how to impress us especially when he just looks at you and grabs your hand and says "You are SOOOOOOOOO beautiful" (yeah he learned that line from the movie "The Little Rascals"). Wendel has been ill and looks even smaller than he did before. He has been to the hospital twice now but still no results- supposed to be getting them tomorrow. Breaks my heart to see him like this as all he wants to do is just lay in bed. Christine - where to begin with her. She is the strangest, silliest, but most adorable little girl. She is quite the comedian without even knowing it. She has a very big heart and loves to help out with the babies. She will make a great mother one day (like in 50 years from now). Jenny is a very independent child- well let me refrain that- teenager. She has attitude but can't complain as I was just as bad or probably even worse. She is a huge help around the house though and is a good big sister to the other kids. I missed them so much and after being away for them for so long you learn to appreciate all the little moments you have with them. I do not know what I would do without my kids. They are the reason I can honestly say that I am happy and that I am where I want to be.

This past weekend I took Justin and Julia up to Jacmel to visit Bassin Bleu and we had the time of our lives together!!!! We sang our hearts out during the whole 4hr drive and danced and stopped on the mountain side to watch the sunset and to take wonderful pictures. We drove up to Bassin Bleu the next day and hiked up the mountain and swam under the waterfall. Julia and I are both terrified of heights but managed to find the courage to climb up the waterfall as the pressure from the water was making our hands slip. When we finally reached the top rock we debated whether to actually jump off and plunge into the water below. We were totally for it- that was until we looked down and saw the rocks and cliff side that we could possibly knock ourselves out from if we happened to slip and loose our footing. Julia decided it just wasn't for her and moved to a rock further down. After watching Justin jump I decided I had better do it since there was no way in hell that I would be able to climb back down the waterfall as that seemed a lot more terrifying and dangerous then actually jumping itself. So.. I took that 20 seconds of insane courage that you need to make a decision.. and jumped. It was a blast, but not going to lie.. it kind of hurt !! I can honestly say that this past weekend was probably my best weekend in Haiti yet.

On Sunday we decided to pack up all the kiddies once they returned from church and head to our old place in Montrouis and spend the rest of our Sunday at the beach. I decided to go and visit tiny and his family at the mountain top and I took Julia with me. This family is my second family. I love them and care for them as if they are my own. I was brought to tears seeing all 6 of his kids clinging off of me saying they thought I forgot about them. Tiny no longer has a cell phone so I was unable to contact them to let them know that I would be out of the country for a month. The love they have for me is so overwhelming and the love I have for them is completely and utterly unconditional. As soon as I stepped off the moto Tiny had lifted me into the air hugging me and kissing me and started yelling out "Manma, Manmna is here !!!". I danced and sang with the kids on the top of the mountain and we also watched the beautiful sunset. Julia took footage of their destroyed house and how 11 people are currently living in a small one room house made of mud and sewed together jeans. As amazing as it was to see them and although we had a blast together- as we always do- I walked away with a broken heart and an unsettled mind. It hurts me to see them struggling. They have all been ill since I left the Montrouis area and have lost a significant amount of weight. I am doing my best to try to support them but with not having a vehicle it makes it hard to check up on them and to bring them the supplies they need. I made them a promise- that I will re-build their house. They are currently taking shelter in my old home but the contract finishes in April, 2013 and then they will once again be homeless. This is a promise I have to keep. However, time is running out and funds are running low. I have sent out a request via facebook and on our website asking people to specifically donate towards this project as right now, it is one of the main priorities in my heart. I wish I could give them the world, I wish I could see them living comfortably and I think my worries and concerns will be more settled knowing that they will at least have a stable roof over their heads that won't fall when the next storm rummages through the country. Every little bit counts, especially in this case. My goal is to provide them with not only a home but also sanitation as they currently do not have toilet other then a small hole in the ground. I think putting in a toilet and teaching them about general hygiene would significantly improve their health and well being. My goal is to have this project started by Feb 20. If anyone is interested in partaking please do not hesitate to contact me.

On Monday I took Justin and Julia down to Cite Soleil to visit the school that Bridge2Hatii is supporting to take some footage and get some background on the history of the school. Julia is filming a documentary on our journey and our projects here in Haiti however, we decided that it needs to be a collective effort- I do not want the film to be focused on solely what we (Hime For Help) have done but what others are also doing in Haiti that are making positive changes and affecting peoples lives. Sarah and Christian are doing fabulous work in this school that currently has over 550 children. These kids are seriously amazing !!! I was chased around all day by tons of little feet and they all wanted to be picked up or to touch my straight hair. Finally after being tackled to the ground and covered in dirt and sweat I decided to take the kids into one of the classrooms and we took Tampico bottles (plastic Juice bottles) and I made music out of them and had the kids dance. We ended up singing "Baby" by Justin Bieber at least ten times and "Dekole" by J.perry at least 20 times. I had an absolute blast with these kids. These children have grown up in the slums of Haiti and most of them are literally living in a dump. Sarah has given these children an opportunity to get an education, to eat at least one good meal per day, and has also provided them with clean drinking water. I got to know some of the children and had the opportunity to speak one on one with them. I can't wait to visit these kids again !!!!!

Justin Parkinson and Julia Monk left today. Justin had been here since the end of November and has done such great work and I am truly impressed by him. There is not many people who get you- like completely- but he was one of those people for me. To be honest.. I did not think that him and I would hit it off as well as we did in the beginning but boy did he prove me wrong. From our long chats about life, dreams, frustrations, corruption, poverty, and just the world in general we were able to form a friendship that will not be broken. I want to take the time to thank him for keeping me sane, for making me laugh, and for assisting in changing, bathing, feeding, burping, and playing with all of my babies. His extra pair of hands sure were a huge help. Also thank you for staying with the kids for a whole month while I had to be in Canada. I know what you must have experienced and how stressful it must have been to take on the role as "boss" but you did a great job and I felt confident having you there with my kids. I want to wish you the best of luck in your future endeavours and I know that you will do, and accomplish many great things. I hope to see you back in Haiti soon. & that goes for you as well Julia !!! Thank you for taking this week to film some of the "behind the scenes" things we do here at Ke Kontan and for allowing us to voice our joys and frustrations about Haiti. I cannot wait to see the finished product.

I am currently sitting in Rebo Cafe (they have free Wifi) catching up on emails and messages with my friend Maeve who said to me this morning as we were lying on my bed chatting about our lives:

Maeve: "do you think things will always be this way?"
Emily: "what way?"
Maeve: "Us.. Growing old.. Laying in bed together .. Without husbands.. And you getting up when the babies cry and me laying in bed cause I'm lazy"
Emily: "uhm yeah.. Sounds like our futures"

Ten minutes later

Maeve: " Do you think we will always be this poor?"

I laughed so hard. But then thought to myself... I would be completely content with being lonely, poor, and stuck with a friend that likes to constantly remind me of both of those things.. because even though I may not have materialistic things, I truly believe I am one of the richest people in the world- I have all I could ever need. And a husband.. nahhh.. I got 5 little boys that already own my heart & their love is as unconditional as it comes ... :)

As I spend more and more time in this country I begin to think more and more of how impossible it is going to be for me to ever leave. After many years of searching, I have finally found my home.

Goodbye Canada Cold, Hello Haiti Heat !!!

As I am sitting here in the Four Points Hotel in Detroit enjoying my last hot water shower, big comfy bed, and flat screen TV and mini fridge filled with beverages (yes, that's right I am indulging) I am reflecting on my longer then expected visit home. Normally I despise coming home. But this time I was quite content with it. I think my body and mind were finally telling me that I needed a break. I enjoyed this visit home. I was able to spend a lot of time on my own just thinking and trying to figure out my own life as well as spend a lot of time with friends and family. I was only supposed to be home for 2 weeks, but due to health issues, I ended up putting up with this -15 degree weather for a month. I am so eager to get back and see my babies, this is the longest I have been away from them. A few of my days were actually more stressful being home then being in Haiti as I was constantly worrying about the kids or had situations occur that I had no control over and I was really in the dark about certain situations. I am excited to see how much my babies have grown and to just suffocate them with hugs and kisses. I miss all of my boys in the Tent City and playing silly games with them. I miss the mountains, the beaches, the craziness, and of course all of my friends. It seems like I have been gone a lot longer than a month.

The hardest part about coming home is having people ask a million questions and expect a simple answer. You can usually tell who is asking because they are actually interested in what you are doing and then others who ask because that's just what you do. A lot of people probably find that I am bitter when it comes to talking about Haiti and its simply because I can't emphasize enough that "you just won't understand" and it's not your fault. And thinking about Haiti and talking about it, makes me emotional and makes me miss my kids and friends even more then I already do. It just like talking about my family while I am in Haiti, it hurts my heart. It hurts me to answer some of the questions. No matter what I say or tell you, you won't fully understand it. It's impossible. Everything you picture in your mind is most likely going to be wrong. Until you truly experience Haiti- and I don't mean by just popping in and out for a week- you won't understand it. And I am not saying that there is anything wrong with not understanding it. I appreciate those that actually try to understand it. But for me, it's just very frustrating and upsetting to try to explain something that I am so passionate about and seeing people form ideas and assumptions in their minds that are completely inaccurate or ignorant. I still don't even understand Haiti fully- not sure if I ever will. But although Haiti has many many issues and problems, I have so much pride for the country because I have met the most inspiring, resilient, courageous, and kindest people. They are the ones that keep me going and some days they allow me to stop straight in my tracks and re-evaluate my life and my behaviour. I have found myself here. I have found one thing that I am so passionate about that yes- risking my life over it- is COMPLETELY WORTH IT. I wouldn't have it any other way. It seriously hurts me when my friends and yes even my family make jokes or certain comments about Haiti, it makes me furious. I know that most time people are just trying to get a laugh, but don't do it at people's expense. I often just sit there and won't comment but for those of that are reading this who do that, please stop. It also drives me insane when people tell me "look what your doing to yourself, look what it is doing to your health". If I could write what I want to write in response to that, I'm sure I'd have a lot of negative responses to this blog.. so I am going to censor it a bit. Look people, I do care about my health, and yeah I don't enjoy being sick, who does??? But I came to Haiti fully aware of the risks that I was going to be taking. I chose to give up my life and put everything I have into these kids and into helping the people I care about. You can sit there and tell me that "you can't help them if your sick anyways" - well no kidding. But I also can't help them if I return home every time I get a little bug in me. I chose to move to Haiti, to indulge into the culture and the lifestyle and no matter how wrong any of you may see it- if I am sick- I will do what the Haitians do. I will be treated the same way the Haitians are (well, not true as I do have better access to hospitals and medicines) I feel terribly guilty even knowing that I can escape any problems that may occur in the country- natural disaster, civil war, and yes- illnesses. I feel so guilty because there are so many people here that don't have that opportunity who need it so much more then I do. If they can tolerate it, then so can I. Us Westerners are so pathetic when we are sick or injured. We milk it with everything that we possibly can and just mask the pain with pills, alcohol, or other types of drugs. Imagine watching a woman suffer from Breast Cancer for 3 years without ever receiving treatment or medications and her lifting her shirt up and witnessing how the disease is literally eating her and destroying her body. Not only that, but then watching her two young boys (12 & 11) digging through the trash to find any scrap food to give to their mom as they have absolutely no money. Now please.. please.. try to understand why I don't wish to rush home when I get sick. I have stayed home for a month due to health reasons, but I didn't come home for me, I came home for my family and my friends- to finally put their minds at ease so that they can see that yes- I still have two arms, two legs and a heart that beats. My life has drastically changed from stories such as the one above.. that was one of those moments where I stopped dead in my tracks and just cried realizing how fortunate we are in Canada and the United States. It still breaks my heart to this day, it is one of the very many images that will never escape my mind.

I can't force anyone to try to understand the passion that I have and what I'm willing to do to fulfill that passion or live out that passion. When I feel passionate about something, nothing will come in the way of it. I will give everything I possibly can. Even if that means my own life. Because if I didn't do that, I wouldn't have a "life" anyways. Everyone always tells us that we only have one life to live and I always brushed off that saying without ever really considering the truth it contains. I understand that saying now. And if my life ended today or if I was laying on my death bed - the only way that I would be content with dying is knowing that I tried. That I did my absolute best to change a life, a situation, and even myself. That even though I may have put myself in vulnerable situations and set myself up for failure, at least I am not wondering "what could have been". I have a history of making decisions very quickly about people and even situations, I have always loved and trusted quickly- whether that be with someone or something- without caring about the risks or consequences. If there is passion, the rest doesn't matter to me. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone and everything, but to assume that everyone/everything is capable of reaching his/her/it's highest potential. Often, I am a victim of my own optimism but sometimes.. but the odd time, people/things surprise me.. & that right there is worth it all.

The point of this message is that I am just so exhausted of trying to make certain people understand why I do the things I do, why I take the risks I take, why I am willing to suffer certain consequences if it is going to better another's life. If you are human at all and if you have experienced even half of some of the things I have, looked into peoples eyes that have actually experienced true suffering- then you should be able to understand why I am doing what I am doing today. You should be able to stop being stubborn and ignorant and realize.. that I do what I do because I truly believe that we human beings were put on this earth to love one another unconditionally, to live out our lives to the absolute fullest- instead of settling for what most put out to be the "perfect american life". I don't ever want to sit in an office, to feel tied down to something that I am not passionate about, or to go through the day to day motions faking a smile. I want to be happy, I don't ever want to have to fake that. I want to do what makes me happy and be with those that make me smile and laugh even if that consists of my life and my decisions being absolutely ludicrous through another's eyes.

“Tis' better to live your own life imperfectly than to imitate someone else's perfectly.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

The countdown is on until I get to run through my gate and be tackled by a bunch of my little rascals. I cannot wait. My flight leaves at 6:20 tomorrow morning, so early to bed for me tonight !!!!! Looking forward to not feeling like a human popsicle anymore, but will definitely miss my friends and family. Till we meet again =)

Self Discovery..

Whenever we embark on a journey it is almost like we are getting into a small plane and setting out into the air for unknown lands. With wholeheartedness comes inspiration, but sooner of later we will come across a sense of loss, a sense of fear. Like every story of explorers, we seem to be drawn into finding what is waiting for us out in the big old world without knowing if we actually have the courage to face it.

I have spent the last six days in Claremont- a very small town on the outskirts of Toronto. The house is completely isolated, surrounded by fields, forest, and beautiful scenery. I spent most of my days with my guitar or journal in hand just sitting, thinking, or taking a stroll through the forest. Most people would think that this would be so utterly boring, my cousin kept apologizing assuming that I was bored out of my mind, but I was the complete opposite. I was in a state of bliss. I was fascinated by the peacefulness and the ability to finally hear my own thoughts that have been rummaging around in my head. I was able to process a lot of things that have occurred in the last year or so in those past six days, not just in Haiti, but in my personal life as well. I kept looking for answers, blaming others for not understanding, and clinging onto things that I should have let go of long ago. I found myself in a place with no sounds except the trees blowing, the snow crunching beneath my boots, and the water from the stream moving onwards.

It is inevitable that at some point we all experience fear. Fear is a universal experience. Even the smallest bug feels it as we are about to squish them beneath our shoes. Fear is something that we all share. We react against the feeling of loss, loneliness, death, or losing grip and no longer having anything to hold onto. During my time in the small town of Claremont I came to an earth-shaking revelation about life, about happiness, and about myself. When we begin a new adventure in our lives we have all sorts of different ideals and expectations. We are constantly looking for answers that will satisfy a long ongoing huger that we have felt for quite some time. People always try to warn us- not to have expectations- not to indulge in certain adventures- yet somehow all of these warnings don't quite convince us. In fact, at least for me, they draw us closer. However, no one warns us to stop running away from fear. We are very rarely told to move closer, to do the unthinkable or the unimaginable, and to become familiar with our fears. This is something I have chosen to do a few times in my own life without even realizing it or understanding it until now. I am terrified of heights, I get the shakes, my muscles tighten, and all I want to do is get down and can't wait for the ride to be over.. but I always convince myself to keep going. I have rode on the biggest roller coaster, I have hiked numerous mountains, I have climbed to the top of buildings to enjoy the view. I get a thrill from fear and especially from accomplishing them. I now look at my life in that way- that I need to put that fearlessness into every aspect of my life- not just the thrilling ones such as roller coasters- but also into relationships, desires or aspirations that I have, and into the things that make me feel the most uncomfortable, the things I have wanted to do or say but have always held back from due to the *fear* of embarrassment or of exposing myself, and most of all due to the fear of rejection. The only advice we are given is to usually smooth it over, take a pill, take a drink, or distract ourselves from the feeling, and by all means.. make it disappear. It is our nature to disassociate with fear. Usually we think that our hero's and the one's that we look up to have no fear, that's why we admire them. The truth is that they have just as much fear as we do but they understand their fear. One thing we need to realize is that even when fear creeps into your mind the trick is to keep pushing on and not to bail out, even when you find out that it may not be what you thought it was going to be. Nothing is what we think it is. I can say that with great confidence.

After moving to Haiti and finally doing something for me, something I was passionate about, everything that I had not been able to see about myself before was finally dramatized. Haiti itself is a wonderful place for self discovery, you learn that you can take more than you thought you ever could, you learn to have sincere compassion, you may also realize that you get frustrated easily and often overreact (maybe that's just me). However, Haiti is also an amazing place that will test your fears. I am not speaking about just the fears we have of the dangers that we may encounter, but also fear about not knowing the language, the fear of not knowing the country or the culture, the fear of becoming ill, the fear of losing it all, the fear of death. I was terrified when I first arrived in Haiti. I never really thought of this until right now. Recently a friend called me a "risk taker". At first I tried to deny it, but then found somewhat of a truth in it. I always just told myself that I am not brave or a risk taker.. I am just following my heart. But I started to think as to why I am so willing to take these risks for those things and people that I hold dear in my heart. I have come to the conclusion that I am not yet the risk taker that I want to be, I am still scared of many things, I still fear many things. I am terrified of love and of loss and letting go of things that once meant so much. But I look at my life and how I was living it for everyone else before, I was merely going through the day to day motions without actually feeling alive. When I decided to change that, to follow a deep passion of MINE, it made me come alive. And I was totally aware of the risks that I would be taking, and I was so ready for all of them. I would so much rather risk, to be crazy, to experience the rawness of life, then to sit back and be constantly wondering "what if" or having regrets. After being unhappy for a greater part of my life, I now know that I am the only one that holds the card for happiness in my hands. I realized that I could not get lost in trying to justify myself and blame others and hiding from the inevitable truths. That kind of exit is no longer available for me.

We all run, we run like crazy. We use anything and everything to escape- all of our addictions stem from this very moment, the moment where we decide we can no longer take it. We feel we have to mask the pain with something- whether it be religion, medication, alcohol, or other people- anything that will take away our pain or fears. I believe that the materialism in our world stems from these very feelings. There are so many ways to keep ourselves occupied or entertained, there is so much noise out their to fill our heads and take away our thoughts that we no longer have to feel the full impact of the pain that arises when we are completely unable to manipulate the issue to make us come out looking good. For rebirth, we must first experience death. That means we should be accepting our fears or pain and simply let it go and allow for new things to begin. Reaching our breaking point is like finding a doorway to sanity and to the goodness of humanity rather than encountering some sort of punishment or road block.

I have also learned that there is always so much more to learn. We might think that it's going to take bigger issues or circumstances for us to reach our limits. The interesting thing is that it is our biggest issues are the ones that awaken us and allow us to come to new understandings and it tends to be the little things that catch us off guard. However, no matter the size, shape, or colour, we need to realize that it is better for us to lean more towards our discomforts and seem them and understand them clearly rather than running from them or trying to protect ourselves. I now know that the awakeness that I once only could feel in Haiti, can also be felt anywhere, in a small forest sitting on a log watching the water pass, or in the midst of chaos. It is something that is found in our simple pleasures, in our pain, our confusion, our wisdom, and it is available at any moment and any minute of our crazy lives. We create our own demons and we allow them to develop out of shame, jealousy, abandonment, rage, and feelings of loss. They are all the things that make us feel uncomfortable that we continuously run away from. We escape without facing what's happening in our hearts or our minds. Or we shove the feelings away in a drawer and throw away the key and somehow kill the pain. We could chose to spend our entire lives trying to escape the demons in our minds but eventually we get so caught up in running that we forget to take advantage of the beauty around us. We become so used to rushing past things that we rob ourselves of our own joy.

For 2013 my goal is to no longer try to escape fear or make pain go away or to even try to be a better person, but to just take everything as it comes and face it. My goal is to take every moment as it is, to take a deep breath in and watch the anger, frustrations, confusion, and the past be gone and to enjoy the simple and beautiful things around me. I am no longer holding onto concepts or ideals. My goal is to be so open minded that nothing can surprise me or disappoint me. My goal is to let go of all the things that have been weighing me down and to be my truest self with no hesitations, no second guessing, and no fears. Just love. For everyone, but also for myself.

Haiti Withdrawals...

Two years ago, Haiti was just a place on a map to me. I knew what everyone else knew – about the earthquake, about the number of people killed and displaced, about what a tough time the Haitians have been through and were continuing to go through.

But now, having been to Haiti numerous times and officially giving up my past life and moving to the small Caribbean island, it means something completely different to me. Haiti is my home away from home, full of people that I love and admire. Haiti is where I work and dream and hope. Since my first expedition to Haiti, I received many comments and strange looks whenever I mentioned my intention to one day return to the country. If only they knew how totally serious I really was. I came away from Haiti blessed with an indescribable spiritual connection to it's presence that has since left me unsettled in my everyday life here in Canada. On a very subliminal level, I felt as though I left a part of me on the island. But I don't mean that as in a sense of loss - quite the opposite in fact. I've gained something intangible, something you cant buy with a stack of bills or a pocket full of change. I've gained or rather been granted an honourable opportunity to return to this country and to start a new chapter in my life. If I'm honest, I've never really felt a 'connection' to my home country (the place where I was born) and after experiencing something so powerful as Ghana and Haiti, I already know that I'll never be able to settle in life until I 'settle' where I'm connected - and that will be home.

Yes- I am currently at "home" in Canada. And yes.. it is absolutely freezing. I love seeing the snow but I don't love the constant shivers and not being able to feel my fingers and toes. This trip home has been a lot easier than the last, I am not as angry and annoyed by people complaining about foolish things or how much we take for granted here. Although, something is still missing. I am enjoying all of the time I get to spend with my family and friends, I enjoy singing and jamming out with my friends, and I enjoy rolling around in the snow.. but there is still a void. In Canada I don't feel like my whole self, a part of me is missing. I find myself thinking too much- something I wasn't really able to do in Haiti. I also find myself very bored. It feels like I have all the time in the world here as where in Haiti I was constantly on the go. I feel useless- and it's the worst feeling in the world. I am itching to get back to Haiti and to see my babies, however, I no longer have a say in when I can return. I have been asked to say to see a tropical and infectious disease specialist in London. I am not too concerned- I am more concerned about getting back to Haiti. The worst part is the uncertainty and not knowing when I can hold my babies again. I am going through horrendous baby withdrawals.

After being here for 2 1/2 weeks the culture shock is starting to wear off a little bit. I still crumple paper money up in a wad like the Haitians do, kiss people on the cheek when I greet them, and I am still getting used to seeing so many white people- for some reason it makes me feel uncomfortable. Its strange that I can just hop in my car and drive wherever I need to go- from one end of my city to the other- within 15 mins. And that I can do laundry whenever I want. Something that really shocked me was remembering that I can actually drink tap water here !!! Usually people go through culture shock when they leave the comfort and familiarity of their surroundings to go to another environment. One would think that the worst culture shock for me would be when arriving in Haiti, but it's the complete opposite.. if that makes any sense. The culture shock gets me is as soon as I finish the first leg of my trip back to Canada and land in Florida. All of a sudden I am thrown back into the culture that I was born into and a culture that is part of the fabric of who I am. You would think this culture would bring the comfort of normalcy since it is what I am accustom to. However, it brings me great uneasiness and as I sit in the airport my patience runs thin and my homesickness for Haiti begins.

My life in Haiti is far from normal. Life there represents the abnormal. Problems that we face, challenges that we have, and the solutions are all fundamentally different than I would have ever thought possible. But I love it. I love the challenges, the struggles, the frustrations but most of all.. I love the adventure !!! I love how you never know what is going to be thrown at you each day. I love waking up to 8 little people that I love and who love me unconditionally. I miss riding down the drive way on skateboards, bandaging scraped knees and cut open toes every hour, I miss hide n go seek and playing "What Time is it Mr. Wolf?", I miss my Haitian friends and family. I miss the mountains, the cool breeze during a really hot day, I miss legumes and bouillon, I miss moto's and goats and even the chickens that are confused at what time it is and insist on making noise all through the night, to break it down for you... I MISS HAITI.

New Beginnings....

Hmmm.. Where do I begin?

This year has been full of dramatic highs and terrifying lows. It has tested me to my core. I decided to do something more with my life in February, when I started my Non-Profit organization "Hime For Help" with the assistance of my friend Eric Patenaude. I was tired of the day to day things at home and I was sick of just sitting in a classroom listening to one person tell me what I need to do to be "successful" in life. I was tired of people being so ignorant to the fact that they actually are fortunate and that just because their car broke down or they missed a payment on their credit card or they got into a fight with their husband- that they have a pretty good fricken life and that they will survive. I was sick of the same routines and standards of American society. And most of all, I was tired of belittling myself to meet everyone else's expectations and opinions. I was tired of controlling my passion and keeping it under the surface. I just wanted to help people. I just missed Ghana and most of all...Haiti. I decided to write a facebook status about the anger I was feeling one evening and the end result was this: "So you’re a business man?.. you make a lot of money?. That’s great. Does that impress me? NO. It actually does the opposite. See.. I have a different outlook on things. For me, success comes from changing a life, not about the amount of numbers you have on a pay check. Success for me is reaching out a hand to those who need it most; reaching out a hand to the minorities or those who are less fortunate than you. Success to me is when you can look past the colour of someone’s skin, or the age of a person, or where the person is from and even look past where that person may be going. To me .. success is about giving everything you have to improve the lives of others, instead of trying to improve your own." Eric, someone I had just met happened to read this status and felt compelled to not just merely scroll down the page like most did. He didn't know anything about me.. but what he did know was that I was itching to get back to the small Caribbean Island that I had lost my heart too. That's when he developed the Hime For Help website and decided to print out an application for a Non-Profit organization. The events that unfolded after, were completely unexpected and unimaginable.

I can honestly say my life began on April 24, 2012. This is the day that I stepped off the plane into the scorching hot sun, into the very complex country that I would now be calling home. I didn't know what to expect. I really didn't have any plans. All that I knew was that my heart was leading the way. For the longest time I had been battling with my head and my heart (and I still do to this day) but it was time that I let my heart win and even though it seemed impossible - It was time to do what I had always been wanting to do. Help people.

The truth is.. I was naive coming to Haiti. I had no clue about the troubles I would encounter, about how difficult this country can be, and I didn't really think of all of the responsibilities I would be taking on. At times, I think to myself "this is too much" but then I know that if I choose any other path in my life I will be saying "this isn't enough". My life has changed drastically. My outlooks have changed, my personality has changed and my skin has become a lot thicker but at the same time.. my heart is more fragile. Haiti changes you in weird ways. It makes you tough but yet breaks down your walls and releases emotions you thought you never had. You learn to adapt to the un-adaptable- the things that are far from what most reading this would consider "normal".

Throughout this past year I have experienced more then what I thought I would ever experience in my entire life. I have held hands of starving and dying children, I have stared into their eyes as they took their last breath. I watched people shoot at each other as if we were in the midst of a world war. I have watched people be treated as animals- especially women. I have heard the cries of rape victims that not only lost their dignity & virginity but also their health as HIV rushed through their veins. I witnessed the cruelty of mother nature as I stood at the top of the mountain in a small house made of mud and sticks in the midst of a hurricane and watch it tumble to the ground as I huddled with the family I have fallen so deeply in love with to keep warm. I have witnessed corruption first hand. I have experienced love, loss, sorrow, anger, and grief beyond measures. My heart has been thrown to the ground, stomped on, and then put back together with my babies smiles, laughter, and from the support and comfort of friends. Some days I just can't speak or tell of the things I witnessed that day because it just hurts too much and its frustrating trying to illustrate a picture for people to understand ... the only thing I can do is just laugh and laugh until I forget why I was crying before. This is when my best friends come in handy.

Despite all that being said.. my heart beats louder than it ever has before. I am truly blessed and I can say that with confidence. Despite the heart wrenching days, I get to come home to my kids. They make me laugh harder then I have ever laughed before. I get to hold them and hug them and kiss them and love them. And that's enough for me. That makes everything worthwhile.

I want my kids to know that I never expected to be a single mother at the age of 19 (now 20). That I never imagined having eight children running around and clingy off me every minute of every day. I never imagined that my days would be filled with changing diapers, cleaning up vomit, bandaging wounds, punishing children by making them sit in the corner, and running around kicking soccer balls and riding down my driveway on skateboards. But I would not change it for the world. If they read this one day, I want them to know that they are the bravest, strongest, and most resilient people that I have ever met. They are so talented and intelligent and I am impressed by them more and more with each day that passes. That even though I embarrass them, tease them, and annoy them, that it is all out of love. I want them to know that I am going to make mistakes...a lot of them.. but I promise to always stick by their sides, to defend them, to protect them, and to love them even when they think they are undeserving of being loved. I promise to encourage them, to motivate them, and to be there cheering them on every step of the way. And I promise to spend the rest of my time on this earth reminding them how truly magnificent they are and to never settle for less then what they deserve.

I came to Haiti not speaking the language, not knowing the culture, and not knowing much about the children's lives that I would be entering into. My kids have taught me everything I know. They forced me to learn Kreyol by not letting me use "language barrier" as an excuse to not understand them. They had patience with me and taught me with repetitiveness, hand signals, and just screaming at the top of their lungs until I finally understood them. They taught me about their culture, their food, how to wash my clothes by hand, and how to interact with people on the streets. They opened their hearts and allowed me into their lives. They trust me and I trust them. They put up with my horrible sense of humor and my desire to trick them or embarrass them, and they have finally learned to start doing it back to me (Don has become quite good at that). And I do believe they love me just as much as I love them. They are the reason I am still able to wake up with a smile each morning and carry on during my most difficult days. They are the true reason why I can say that 2012 has been my best year yet.

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand."- Henri Nouwen

This past year I have met, befriended, and have been reunited with people that have touched my life in such great ways and who fit the above description perfectly. 2012 allowed me to leave my country, my comforts, and explore a new culture, new lifestyle.. and well.. new people and friends. There are many people that I have crossed paths with within this past year that have inspired me, encouraged me, motivated me and they have allowed me to take a break from the chaos and hear myself laugh. I have always been independent and have never relied on others for my happiness, however, this last year I have become a lot less independent and have looked to friends to pick me back up when I have fallen down. They understand me better than most as they too are submerged into the complexities that Haiti has to offer. They understand why I am here. They understand my desire and willingness to leave my past luxuries behind. And they understand how I can curse and express my hatred for Haiti, but still love it with all my heart. They are the ones that remind me who I am when I feel more lost than ever. Maeve Mcgoldrick, Sarah Griffith, Tina Florial, Val P, Christian Laplanche, Justin Parkinson, Bill Waterman, Brunache Jocenel, Rigan Louis, Wilmen Jean Pierre, Lesly Pinard, Matt & Sarah Rideout, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart !!!! And to my friends back home who still write to me, who are waiting for me to come home for visits, and for those who have came to visit.. thank you for still sticking by my side even though I am thousands of miles away. Some of you don't understand my new lifestyle or why I have this passion. But I truly appreciate that you accept it and are willing to listen to me tell you all of my endless stories when I come home and comforting me when I cry when I am missing my kids and friends back in Haiti. You have shown me what true friendship is.

To my donors, sponsors, volunteers, and fundraisers. Endless thanks to you. I would not be where I am today without your ongoing support. You have not only made my dreams possible, but also many childrens dreams possible as well. You have impacted more lives then you can imagine. To Bridge2Haiti (Sarah Griffith) thank you for not only putting a secure and comfortable roof over our heads but also thank you making me laugh until I cry, for supporting me, and for being someone I can go to for advice. To my volunteers- thank you for taking the time out of your lives to engage into a new culture and to spend time with my children. I hope to see many of you return to Haiti in the future :) Huge thanks to my current volunteer Justin Parkinson for missing his Christmas and New years with his family to stay with my kids so I could see my Canadian family. Your understanding and ability to adapt to Haiti has truly impressed me. I am very glad to have you there and honored to call you my friend. To Eric Patenaude, I have definitely not said it enough.. but thank you for making any of this possible. Without your eagerness for me to start the Non-Profit I never would have wound up where I am at today. I am forever grateful.

2012 was just the beginning of the rest of my life. And I can't wait to see what 2013 has in store.