As I am sitting here in the Four Points Hotel in Detroit enjoying my last hot water shower, big comfy bed, and flat screen TV and mini fridge filled with beverages (yes, that's right I am indulging) I am reflecting on my longer then expected visit home. Normally I despise coming home. But this time I was quite content with it. I think my body and mind were finally telling me that I needed a break. I enjoyed this visit home. I was able to spend a lot of time on my own just thinking and trying to figure out my own life as well as spend a lot of time with friends and family. I was only supposed to be home for 2 weeks, but due to health issues, I ended up putting up with this -15 degree weather for a month. I am so eager to get back and see my babies, this is the longest I have been away from them. A few of my days were actually more stressful being home then being in Haiti as I was constantly worrying about the kids or had situations occur that I had no control over and I was really in the dark about certain situations. I am excited to see how much my babies have grown and to just suffocate them with hugs and kisses. I miss all of my boys in the Tent City and playing silly games with them. I miss the mountains, the beaches, the craziness, and of course all of my friends. It seems like I have been gone a lot longer than a month.
The hardest part about coming home is having people ask a million questions and expect a simple answer. You can usually tell who is asking because they are actually interested in what you are doing and then others who ask because that's just what you do. A lot of people probably find that I am bitter when it comes to talking about Haiti and its simply because I can't emphasize enough that "you just won't understand" and it's not your fault. And thinking about Haiti and talking about it, makes me emotional and makes me miss my kids and friends even more then I already do. It just like talking about my family while I am in Haiti, it hurts my heart. It hurts me to answer some of the questions. No matter what I say or tell you, you won't fully understand it. It's impossible. Everything you picture in your mind is most likely going to be wrong. Until you truly experience Haiti- and I don't mean by just popping in and out for a week- you won't understand it. And I am not saying that there is anything wrong with not understanding it. I appreciate those that actually try to understand it. But for me, it's just very frustrating and upsetting to try to explain something that I am so passionate about and seeing people form ideas and assumptions in their minds that are completely inaccurate or ignorant. I still don't even understand Haiti fully- not sure if I ever will. But although Haiti has many many issues and problems, I have so much pride for the country because I have met the most inspiring, resilient, courageous, and kindest people. They are the ones that keep me going and some days they allow me to stop straight in my tracks and re-evaluate my life and my behaviour. I have found myself here. I have found one thing that I am so passionate about that yes- risking my life over it- is COMPLETELY WORTH IT. I wouldn't have it any other way. It seriously hurts me when my friends and yes even my family make jokes or certain comments about Haiti, it makes me furious. I know that most time people are just trying to get a laugh, but don't do it at people's expense. I often just sit there and won't comment but for those of that are reading this who do that, please stop. It also drives me insane when people tell me "look what your doing to yourself, look what it is doing to your health". If I could write what I want to write in response to that, I'm sure I'd have a lot of negative responses to this blog.. so I am going to censor it a bit. Look people, I do care about my health, and yeah I don't enjoy being sick, who does??? But I came to Haiti fully aware of the risks that I was going to be taking. I chose to give up my life and put everything I have into these kids and into helping the people I care about. You can sit there and tell me that "you can't help them if your sick anyways" - well no kidding. But I also can't help them if I return home every time I get a little bug in me. I chose to move to Haiti, to indulge into the culture and the lifestyle and no matter how wrong any of you may see it- if I am sick- I will do what the Haitians do. I will be treated the same way the Haitians are (well, not true as I do have better access to hospitals and medicines) I feel terribly guilty even knowing that I can escape any problems that may occur in the country- natural disaster, civil war, and yes- illnesses. I feel so guilty because there are so many people here that don't have that opportunity who need it so much more then I do. If they can tolerate it, then so can I. Us Westerners are so pathetic when we are sick or injured. We milk it with everything that we possibly can and just mask the pain with pills, alcohol, or other types of drugs. Imagine watching a woman suffer from Breast Cancer for 3 years without ever receiving treatment or medications and her lifting her shirt up and witnessing how the disease is literally eating her and destroying her body. Not only that, but then watching her two young boys (12 & 11) digging through the trash to find any scrap food to give to their mom as they have absolutely no money. Now please.. please.. try to understand why I don't wish to rush home when I get sick. I have stayed home for a month due to health reasons, but I didn't come home for me, I came home for my family and my friends- to finally put their minds at ease so that they can see that yes- I still have two arms, two legs and a heart that beats. My life has drastically changed from stories such as the one above.. that was one of those moments where I stopped dead in my tracks and just cried realizing how fortunate we are in Canada and the United States. It still breaks my heart to this day, it is one of the very many images that will never escape my mind.
I can't force anyone to try to understand the passion that I have and what I'm willing to do to fulfill that passion or live out that passion. When I feel passionate about something, nothing will come in the way of it. I will give everything I possibly can. Even if that means my own life. Because if I didn't do that, I wouldn't have a "life" anyways. Everyone always tells us that we only have one life to live and I always brushed off that saying without ever really considering the truth it contains. I understand that saying now. And if my life ended today or if I was laying on my death bed - the only way that I would be content with dying is knowing that I tried. That I did my absolute best to change a life, a situation, and even myself. That even though I may have put myself in vulnerable situations and set myself up for failure, at least I am not wondering "what could have been". I have a history of making decisions very quickly about people and even situations, I have always loved and trusted quickly- whether that be with someone or something- without caring about the risks or consequences. If there is passion, the rest doesn't matter to me. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone and everything, but to assume that everyone/everything is capable of reaching his/her/it's highest potential. Often, I am a victim of my own optimism but sometimes.. but the odd time, people/things surprise me.. & that right there is worth it all.
The point of this message is that I am just so exhausted of trying to make certain people understand why I do the things I do, why I take the risks I take, why I am willing to suffer certain consequences if it is going to better another's life. If you are human at all and if you have experienced even half of some of the things I have, looked into peoples eyes that have actually experienced true suffering- then you should be able to understand why I am doing what I am doing today. You should be able to stop being stubborn and ignorant and realize.. that I do what I do because I truly believe that we human beings were put on this earth to love one another unconditionally, to live out our lives to the absolute fullest- instead of settling for what most put out to be the "perfect american life". I don't ever want to sit in an office, to feel tied down to something that I am not passionate about, or to go through the day to day motions faking a smile. I want to be happy, I don't ever want to have to fake that. I want to do what makes me happy and be with those that make me smile and laugh even if that consists of my life and my decisions being absolutely ludicrous through another's eyes.
“Tis' better to live your own life imperfectly than to imitate someone else's perfectly.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
The countdown is on until I get to run through my gate and be tackled by a bunch of my little rascals. I cannot wait. My flight leaves at 6:20 tomorrow morning, so early to bed for me tonight !!!!! Looking forward to not feeling like a human popsicle anymore, but will definitely miss my friends and family. Till we meet again =)
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