I have spent the last six days in Claremont- a very small town on the outskirts of Toronto. The house is completely isolated, surrounded by fields, forest, and beautiful scenery. I spent most of my days with my guitar or journal in hand just sitting, thinking, or taking a stroll through the forest. Most people would think that this would be so utterly boring, my cousin kept apologizing assuming that I was bored out of my mind, but I was the complete opposite. I was in a state of bliss. I was fascinated by the peacefulness and the ability to finally hear my own thoughts that have been rummaging around in my head. I was able to process a lot of things that have occurred in the last year or so in those past six days, not just in Haiti, but in my personal life as well. I kept looking for answers, blaming others for not understanding, and clinging onto things that I should have let go of long ago. I found myself in a place with no sounds except the trees blowing, the snow crunching beneath my boots, and the water from the stream moving onwards.
It is inevitable that at some point we all experience fear. Fear is a universal experience. Even the smallest bug feels it as we are about to squish them beneath our shoes. Fear is something that we all share. We react against the feeling of loss, loneliness, death, or losing grip and no longer having anything to hold onto. During my time in the small town of Claremont I came to an earth-shaking revelation about life, about happiness, and about myself. When we begin a new adventure in our lives we have all sorts of different ideals and expectations. We are constantly looking for answers that will satisfy a long ongoing huger that we have felt for quite some time. People always try to warn us- not to have expectations- not to indulge in certain adventures- yet somehow all of these warnings don't quite convince us. In fact, at least for me, they draw us closer. However, no one warns us to stop running away from fear. We are very rarely told to move closer, to do the unthinkable or the unimaginable, and to become familiar with our fears. This is something I have chosen to do a few times in my own life without even realizing it or understanding it until now. I am terrified of heights, I get the shakes, my muscles tighten, and all I want to do is get down and can't wait for the ride to be over.. but I always convince myself to keep going. I have rode on the biggest roller coaster, I have hiked numerous mountains, I have climbed to the top of buildings to enjoy the view. I get a thrill from fear and especially from accomplishing them. I now look at my life in that way- that I need to put that fearlessness into every aspect of my life- not just the thrilling ones such as roller coasters- but also into relationships, desires or aspirations that I have, and into the things that make me feel the most uncomfortable, the things I have wanted to do or say but have always held back from due to the *fear* of embarrassment or of exposing myself, and most of all due to the fear of rejection. The only advice we are given is to usually smooth it over, take a pill, take a drink, or distract ourselves from the feeling, and by all means.. make it disappear. It is our nature to disassociate with fear. Usually we think that our hero's and the one's that we look up to have no fear, that's why we admire them. The truth is that they have just as much fear as we do but they understand their fear. One thing we need to realize is that even when fear creeps into your mind the trick is to keep pushing on and not to bail out, even when you find out that it may not be what you thought it was going to be. Nothing is what we think it is. I can say that with great confidence.
After moving to Haiti and finally doing something for me, something I was passionate about, everything that I had not been able to see about myself before was finally dramatized. Haiti itself is a wonderful place for self discovery, you learn that you can take more than you thought you ever could, you learn to have sincere compassion, you may also realize that you get frustrated easily and often overreact (maybe that's just me). However, Haiti is also an amazing place that will test your fears. I am not speaking about just the fears we have of the dangers that we may encounter, but also fear about not knowing the language, the fear of not knowing the country or the culture, the fear of becoming ill, the fear of losing it all, the fear of death. I was terrified when I first arrived in Haiti. I never really thought of this until right now. Recently a friend called me a "risk taker". At first I tried to deny it, but then found somewhat of a truth in it. I always just told myself that I am not brave or a risk taker.. I am just following my heart. But I started to think as to why I am so willing to take these risks for those things and people that I hold dear in my heart. I have come to the conclusion that I am not yet the risk taker that I want to be, I am still scared of many things, I still fear many things. I am terrified of love and of loss and letting go of things that once meant so much. But I look at my life and how I was living it for everyone else before, I was merely going through the day to day motions without actually feeling alive. When I decided to change that, to follow a deep passion of MINE, it made me come alive. And I was totally aware of the risks that I would be taking, and I was so ready for all of them. I would so much rather risk, to be crazy, to experience the rawness of life, then to sit back and be constantly wondering "what if" or having regrets. After being unhappy for a greater part of my life, I now know that I am the only one that holds the card for happiness in my hands. I realized that I could not get lost in trying to justify myself and blame others and hiding from the inevitable truths. That kind of exit is no longer available for me.
We all run, we run like crazy. We use anything and everything to escape- all of our addictions stem from this very moment, the moment where we decide we can no longer take it. We feel we have to mask the pain with something- whether it be religion, medication, alcohol, or other people- anything that will take away our pain or fears. I believe that the materialism in our world stems from these very feelings. There are so many ways to keep ourselves occupied or entertained, there is so much noise out their to fill our heads and take away our thoughts that we no longer have to feel the full impact of the pain that arises when we are completely unable to manipulate the issue to make us come out looking good. For rebirth, we must first experience death. That means we should be accepting our fears or pain and simply let it go and allow for new things to begin. Reaching our breaking point is like finding a doorway to sanity and to the goodness of humanity rather than encountering some sort of punishment or road block.
I have also learned that there is always so much more to learn. We might think that it's going to take bigger issues or circumstances for us to reach our limits. The interesting thing is that it is our biggest issues are the ones that awaken us and allow us to come to new understandings and it tends to be the little things that catch us off guard. However, no matter the size, shape, or colour, we need to realize that it is better for us to lean more towards our discomforts and seem them and understand them clearly rather than running from them or trying to protect ourselves. I now know that the awakeness that I once only could feel in Haiti, can also be felt anywhere, in a small forest sitting on a log watching the water pass, or in the midst of chaos. It is something that is found in our simple pleasures, in our pain, our confusion, our wisdom, and it is available at any moment and any minute of our crazy lives. We create our own demons and we allow them to develop out of shame, jealousy, abandonment, rage, and feelings of loss. They are all the things that make us feel uncomfortable that we continuously run away from. We escape without facing what's happening in our hearts or our minds. Or we shove the feelings away in a drawer and throw away the key and somehow kill the pain. We could chose to spend our entire lives trying to escape the demons in our minds but eventually we get so caught up in running that we forget to take advantage of the beauty around us. We become so used to rushing past things that we rob ourselves of our own joy.
For 2013 my goal is to no longer try to escape fear or make pain go away or to even try to be a better person, but to just take everything as it comes and face it. My goal is to take every moment as it is, to take a deep breath in and watch the anger, frustrations, confusion, and the past be gone and to enjoy the simple and beautiful things around me. I am no longer holding onto concepts or ideals. My goal is to be so open minded that nothing can surprise me or disappoint me. My goal is to let go of all the things that have been weighing me down and to be my truest self with no hesitations, no second guessing, and no fears. Just love. For everyone, but also for myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment