The last two weeks have consisted of many highs and severe lows. It has been a rollercoaster to say the least. I have been so exhausted, stressed, and overcome with emotions and feelings that I didn't even know I possessed. Every day is a constant battle right now between my head and my heart. I am trying to remember that although I need to get the legal things finished, I also need to slow down, take it easy, and focus on my children. Thank God Montanna and I both have a sense of humour and we are able to still laugh through all of the struggles.
I still find myself overwhelmed by the aid and assistance that Haiti is still in desperate need of. I took a moto ride through Cite Soleil the other day and it literally tore me apart, just as it did months ago when I first visited. I guess this time I had assumed that things had improved.. They had to have improved since my last trip... But they haven't. I can't seem to get the images out of my mind. When I begin to think about it, it makes me cry. The kids that I had gotten to know and love in Cite Soleil still remain there. Fighting every day to survive. It hurt me to see that they are still living and bathing in garbage and literally..shit. It was Montanna's first time in Cite Soleil.. She said out of all the crazy and dangerous things she has done throughout her travels.. Cite Soleil was definitely the worst. Cite Soleil is the poorest and dangerous place in the world.. & we decided to travel through it on a moto. The only thing we could think about while driving through was how easy it would be for someone to just shoot us. But.. We made it out alive. Broken hearted.. But alive.
If I had to summarize in one word my first few weeks in Haiti, it would be contradiction. The physical environment of Haiti is one huge paradox; amazing, breathtaking, and beautiful but consists of immense poverty and desolation. My life- especially my emotions- hang in the balance between absolutely loving my new life in Haiti and battling the bullshit politics, lonliness, exhaustion, and stress. Most of the people around me do not speak my language, nor do I speak theirs. This communication vacuum has created even more frustrations as I am unable to express to them my thoughts or feelings which makes it that much harder to build meaningful relationships. However, I am learning so much- everything from how to eat foods that I have never seen before to how to communicate through hand signals and facial expressions. My horizons are being expanded and my perspectives are changing everyday. In the midst of such a wonderful and invigorating experience I sometimes am overcome with pangs of missing the people who I love that are miles away. Especially when I get messages from my little brother telling me how much he misses & loves me and then tells me he's asking to come to Haiti for his birthday present. Its hard being torn between two lives; one in Canada with my family, and one in Haiti with my other family & my children. I have spent many nights curled up in a ball on the top of our bunk bed on my lumpy twin, sheetless mattress, sweltering in the dark, getting eaten alive b mosquito's.. and crying-- partly because I am overwhelmed and partly because I miss my family and my friends. Sometimes I cry because simply I am just exhausted.
I love my new life. It is wonderful in so many ways, but I would be lying if I said that I don't sometimes miss the comforts and the people of my old one. Sometimes I wish I could still go to the store and spend a ridiculous amount of money on a cute outfit. Sometimes I want to just lay on the couch and watch a movie with my mom. Sometimes I want to be able to jump in my car and drive around for hours listening to music and clearing my head like I used to do. Most days, I wish I could wake up under my down comforter in a house with air conditioning. Sometimes I just wish I could hang out with my little brothers eating junk food and laughing and annoying each other. Sometimes I want to spend hours upon hours talking with my best friends about life. I want to go to the gym; I want my hair to look nice; I want to be able to wear jeans; I want to be a normal teenager living in Canada...sometimes.
But I want other things more. All the time. I want to be spiritually and emotionally filled every day of my life. I want to be loved and cuddled by my children and never go a day without laughing. I want to wake up to a rooster's crow and open my eyes to see palm trees and breath taking mountains. I want to be challenged endlessly; I want to be learning and growing every minute of every day. I want to be taught by those I teach and I want to share my love with people who otherwise may not know of love. I want to work so hard that I end everyday filthy, sweaty, and too exhausted to move. I want to feel needed , important, and useful. I want to make some kind of difference, no matter how small. I want to follow my heart. I want to give my life away to serve others with each breath and each second. At the end of everyday, no matter how hard, I want to be right here in Haiti.
Opportunity's to make someone else's life better are far more attractive to me than the luxuries back home. The longer I am here the more I realize the fulfillment of seeing my kids smile always swallows my frustrations. No matter how many contradictions I struggle with, how difficult certain situations are, no matter how lonely I get, no matter how many tears I cry, one truth will remain firmly set in my heart; my kids are worth it. I am doing what I was created to do.
Uncertainity is what my life is based on now. The only thing I can do is believe that everything will work out and if its meant to be then it will be. Despite the obstacles, I feel a surprising level of comfort living here in Haiti. I feel like I was born to be here and in many ways, living here seems more natural than living in my home country. I have this unexplainable feeling that I am where I am made to be. Every day I get to wake up to nine beautiful children. I get to sing, dance, laugh, and play with them. I get to take them for ice cream, play hide n go seek, give them their medications, eat dinner with them, and the best of all, I get to cuddle with them and tuck them into bed. I know that no matter what hardships haiti throws my way, I am home.
We had to let our staff go, as we began to realize that it will be the only way to eliminate some of the problems that we have been encountering. They will be moving out May 18th and then it will just be Montanna and I left caring for our children. It is going to be hard, especially with the language barier, but I know we will manage and that it will only make us stronger and bring us closer together. Through the stress and struggles, we have been given an opportunity to build a new orphanage, a bigger orphanage, and a place that we can call our own. More details on this new and exciting project soon as we will be seeking volunteers to come help us build !!
Keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we continue to battle through the legal crap and also as we battle anything else that may be thrown our way. Weneed all of the support and encouragement we can get right now.
Love & miss all of my family & friends.
Ps- HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to the best mamma in the world. Thank you for always believing in me and encouraging me. I appreciate everything you have done for me as well as for your "grandbabies". We can't wait for you to come visit :) love you to the moon & back & missing you tons. Hope I can be half the mother that you are. Xoxoxo
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