An Emotional Return

As I sit in my dimly lit room feeling exhaustion taking over me, I can’t help but reflect on not only this whirlwind of a day, but of the last seven years.  

As we began our decent into Haiti, I couldn’t help but be overcome with emotions.  First, tears filled my eyes as I whispered “home”.  A place where I found myself.  A place that encompasses a large part of one of my most important organs (yes, my heart).  I felt a sense of pride- even though I am in no way Haitian, I still feel a sense of pride for “my” second country.  My son is part Haitian.  Some of my in laws are Haitian.  And my second family (my kids and staff) are Haitian.  This country is a big part of me.  I can’t even put into words the exact feelings I felt, but I felt whole.  I felt a sense of relief that I am finally back.  The smells, the noises, the hustle and bustle of the streets, the distinct things that make Haiti, Haiti.  

As I opened my mouth to greet people, creole just came tumbling out of me.  It was like word vomit.  I haven’t spoken it in almost a year and to be honest I thought I wouldn’t be able to still speak it flutently.  “If you don’t use it, you lose it”.  However, that was not the case.  It felt so good to be speaking creole again.  To be giving high fives and saying “Sak pase” (what’s up) to all of the oh so familiar faces at the airport.  As we drove to the home, I directed the way.  There’s special markings on walls or small little shops that I recognized and how I first learnt my way of the streets in port au prince.  As we bumped down our gravel road my heart once again filled up with an indescribable joy.  Neighbours waved to me and some of the kids ran to tell other kids and to round them up to stop by our house for a visit.  As I pulled into the gates all of my babes were standing there jumping up and down yelling “Emily, Emily, emily”.   Hugging them was so fulfilling.  I couldn’t stop smiling.  

The staff and I ended up sorting gifts and it was amazing to see how many gifts each child got! Thankfully spirit airlines didn’t even charge me for my overweight baggage (I’m not sure how I managed to score that one- it never happens!) so I was able to bring pretty much every single toy that was donated!  The kids all patiently waited downstairs as we made up their little piles.  Finally once we were done, we called them upstairs on a scavenger hunt.  They were so excited and there were screams of excitement as they lifted up their gifts.  This moment made my holidays complete.  

After we finished opening gifts I decided I wanted to do something special for my older boys.  One thing I find very important for our kids, is for them to see the beauty of their country and learn the incredible history behind it.  So, 7 of us loaded into a little Jeep and headed up to the top of a mountain where we went to Furcy.  It was a long bumpy ride and some crazy mountain side roads, but it was so amazing.  We stopped for pictures every few metres and the boys enjoyed some Haitian Griot (pork) at a roadside stand.  They couldn’t believe that they were still in Haiti when we made it to the top.  They told me I took them to Canada because it was so cold up there.  There was massive trees surrounding us and beautiful views of the mountains.  It was so nice to spend quality time with these little boys that have now started turning into men.  We all ate dinner together at the top of the mountain and enjoyed each other’s company and laughter.  

Now back to reminiscing on the past seven years.  I never could have dreamt up this life.    I never could have imagined that somehow I’d end up in Haiti and it becoming such a big part of me.  Nor did I think I’d have a family here or friends that are the type that last a lifetime.  I didn’t plan for any of it, it just happened.  I felt called to be here and once I started caring for these children, I couldn’t stop.  They became one of the biggest blessings in my life.  They’ve taught me so much about life, about resiliency, about faith and hope and survival.  They taught me who I was.  They made me a mother at the young age of 19 when I had no idea what the hell I was doing.  They forced me to step out of my comfort zone and to live in conditions I never thought I could and to speak a foreign language fluently within 3 short months.  They showed me what true strength and courage was.  They taught me unconditional love.  

When I started out on this journey, I had no idea of the hardships I’d endure.  I didn’t know I’d have days where I’d stare death in the face, where I’d lose friends and have to bury children whom I loved.  I didn’t know I’d have to watch innocent people suffer or watch children almost disintegrate due to malnutrition.  I didn’t know I’d be robbed and threatened or any of the rest of it.  We can never really know what lies ahead and the obstacles we will be presented with.  We can only know that we will experience these hardships.  We can do our best to prepare our minds, bodies, and hearts for these challenges but we will never truly understand them until we are in them.  Most of all, I didn’t know that one day I’d be choosing between two families and having to split my time and heart.  And although some days it’s been almost unbearable, I am so damn thankful I get the opportunity.  Who’s lucky enough to have so many family truly I ncredible family members in so many places? Me.  And although it tears my heart strings being away from one or the other, I know that I am truly blessed.  

I know that I was given a once in a lifetime opportunity and I also know that is my responsibility to use it to its fullest; to give every last ounce of energy I have until I collapse at the end of it.  All the hardships, all the tears, all the hard work put into it will be looked back upon as the best thing I’ve ever done (it already is).   And it won’t be because I enjoyed every moment of it, or because I impacted lives, but because I gave it everything I had, even when I didn’t think I could and especially when I didn’t want too. There’s been days when I’ve been so close to just throwing in the towel.  So many times I actually told people “I’m done”.   Haiti is a very difficult country to work in, and it can take the best of you if you let it.  But it can also allow you to be your best self.  It can be the most rewarding thing in the world.  Thankfully I’ve had an incredible support network and board members who have stood behind me and picked me up time and time again when I lost my footing or lost my hope.  So to anyone out there chasing a dream and who’s tired and exhausted and feels like they have nothing else to give.  Keep going.  Keep running. If you run until you have nothing left to give, keep going anyways.  Cry and pray and work and sweat and plead until you are so drained that all you can do is hit your knees.  Come out of it proud of what you’ve done, because this experience will bless the rest of your life.  Just as it’s done mine.  I am so thankful for all of those who have continued to support me and who haven’t allowed me to call it quits.  Because if I did, I wouldn’t be spending my evening hugging and kissing these beautiful children who truly make me feel whole.  

Thank you so much to the Bartlett family for making this trip possible and to all of you that donated funds and toys to ensure that our children had a Christmas!  I thank you from the bottom of my heart 💗